Finding Her

Doctors Appointment

My follow up appointment with the doctor didn't go to plan at all.
We arrived late because my dad had to have some fun with me before we arrived.
He blamed me for it.
"We meet again Dr.Nixon"
My dad smiles
"Yes we do Dr.Isles, has she gotten worse since I last saw her?"
"Yes she's gotten way worse."
"How so?"
"Go on, you tell her what you've started doing?"
I look up to him in a heap of tears.
"No crying. Tell her"
"I- I make myself sick"
I break down and sob
The doctor takes me into her arms since I'm that small.
"Oh honey it's okay."
I immediately freak when she wraps her arms around my chest area
I haven't been shown love like that before so I fight my way out of her arms and I hide behind the medical bed.
She talks to my dad.
"She's showing a lot of signs of trauma. Has she ever been abused in any way shape or form?"
"Yeah she has."
He's lying to save his ass.
"Could you elaborate on that?"
"She was abused in a foster home before my wife and I adopted her"
I never went to a foster home
He's such a good liar
"Oh okay so what type of abuse?"
"She was sexually and physically abused"
She nods her head sadly as i rock myself back and forth.
"Seems like she's the self soothing type but also self destructive"
"Yep definitely self destructive."
I'm audibly sobbing.
"Stop crying Maura. There's nothing to cry about"
"Dr.Isles, she can't help it. Tears come naturally and she's probably going through a lot of stuff"
There's a prolonged silence.
"Maura honey, can you come out for me please?"
"Are you gonna hurt me?"
I question as I sniffle.
"No no of course not honey"
I make my way out of there slowly.
She smiles once she sees me.
"Can you sit here for me?"
I look at the seat that she's pointing to.
It's too close to her so tears fall.
I shake my head
"Maura sit on that seat or I swear I'll-"
He smiles lightly.
"I'll take away your phone again"
I frown knowing that that's code for I'm gonna rape you.
Tears fall.
"I'm not sitting there"
I'm adamant.
"Why won't you sit there honey?"
"I- it's too close to you"
She moves it back and then I sit down.
"Is what your dad said about the foster care abuse true?"
I look at him and then I look at her then back at him.
His hands clench into fists and I can see the anger arising in him.
"Yes- it's true"
She nods.
"Now when did you start making yourself sick?"
"I started it again."
"You did it before and you didn't tell me?"
My father questions
"You were never there!"
"That's it! Your phones getting taken the second we leave this place!"
"No! Please!"
"I'm going to look through it"
I sob.
Dr.Nixon stares at me and then there's a knock on the door.
"Come in?"
It's another doctor
"Hey doctor Nixon, can I talk to you?"
She nods
"I'll be back in a second"
We both nod.
My dad turns to me as she leaves
"What I said about the phone is true. I'm going through it tonight!"
"Please? Please don't?"
"You can't change my mind Maura! I'm going to beat you, then rape you and then I'll look through your phone"
I cry even more.
"I- I need the bathroom"
"You're not leaving here!"
I cross my legs and I wince.
He can't hurt me anymore than he already has so I just get up.
"Where do you think you're going?!"
"Bathroom"
"Fine but don't take too long."
I nod.
I hurry off to the bathroom and I relieve myself.
I come back and he is pissed
I can see it in his face.
Dr.Nixon comes back in.
"I'm afraid there's an emergency and I've been called to consult."
"Ok okay, thanks for your help"
"I'll see you next Tuesday Maura"
I nod slightly.
He grabs my bag then he throws it to me.
I fail to catch it and it falls.
I have to bend to pick it up and I wince
I get slapped when I get into the car.
He rips the leggings off of me and he forces me into the back seat
"I can't wait till we get home!"
He forces himself on me as I sob.
He gets off and I panic.
My breathing becomes erratic.
I clutch my chest as my dad gets into the drivers seat.
I sit in the back shaking and crying.
When we get home, I try to escape to my room.
He appears behind me and grabs me.
He makes me slide down the stairs.
He picks my aching body up off the floor.
He punches me as I scream.
He does it several times until I am compliant with his demands.
He rapes me again.
I sit on the floor as he walks away.
He goes to the kitchen and he has a bottle of wine.
He has my phone in the other hand.
"Password."
He comments to me as he pours himself a glass of wine
My body is aching and I'm so confused.
"Huh?"
"Password to your phone now Maura"
"Please?"
"Password now!"
"It's- it's SweetandSpicy"
Tears fall.
"Why is it that?"
He questions as he puts it in.
"I don't know, I thought it was cool"
"It's not cool, it's stupid"
"I- I know"
He opens it and he sees my Lock Screen.
"Who is that?"
He questions
"He's my friend"
"What's his name?"
"Lucky"
"I've never heard of him before"
"He's a new friend"
He nods slightly.
He looks at the videos of the rapes he had sent me
"Look at how wet your cunt was getting"
"Wow"
I say surprised as to how wet it got.
"You enjoyed that, look at your face"
I look at my face and I look terrified.
"I was pleading for you to stop"
"That's to be expected"
He smirks
I go back to the doctors the day after
I ended up getting a full body exam and due to my weight I was diagnosed with anorexia.
I finally started by period when I was 15 which was very late considering my mother started at only 10.
I wake up screaming and Jane rushes in from the bathroom.
"Oh gosh."
She notices that I'm bleeding.
"Its all my fault! I picked my skin when I was having a nightmare!"
"Sh sh it's okay baby"
She cleans the blood up then she takes me to therapy.
I cry as I wait to be called.
Sandy appears
"Hi Maura, Hi Jane"
"Hi"
I say in almost a whisper.
I walk inside.
"Okay so we left off at age 7?"
She questions as she pulls out the timeline.
I nod slightly.
Sandy sits down next to Jane and I can tell that Jane is worried about what I'm gonna write.
I take a deep breath as I pick up the pen
"Age 8- Dads rage built since my mom was always leaving"
"Age 9- can't really remember. Blocked most of it out"
"Age 10- mom stayed at home for a month.
Dad went away for a month which I was glad about"
"Age 11- my dog blondie was given away after I was bad. He raped me frequently. Doctors appointments were never ending. I was in a lot of pain all the time."
"I- I can't do this"
I say suddenly as I put down the pen.
"Okay that's okay"
She folds up the timeline.
I sigh with relief.
I sit on the couch.
We talk about my nightmares and I sob.
We leave after an hour long session and I'm exhausted.
Jane helps me to shower and get dressed.
I get into bed and I cry myself to sleep.