Finding Her

Living A Nightmare

I feel his breath on my neck.
"Are- are you done?"
I question in pain.
"How fucking dare you"
He yells at me as he slaps me.
He gets out of me and he beats me with a metal rod.
My wounds reopen so I'm bleeding profusely.
He holds a towel on them.
"Make a tourniquet!"
I beg him.
"Fine?"
He wraps a bandage on it tightly as I scream.
I wake up with a start and Jane holds me.
"Nightmare?"
I nod because I can't speak yet.
I don't even have the words to describe how I feel.
She helps me to breathe and feel better.
"I have a headache"
I sigh.
She gives me a paracetamol from her bag.
"Can you help me. I need to shower"
"Of course baby"
She takes my hand and she brings me into the bathroom.
She removes my top whilst I shake
She unclasps my bra and I start to sob.
She doesn't know what to do so she just holds my hand.
"I'm here baby"
She slides off my pyjama pants but I take off the panties because I'm still reluctant to let her touch.
She removes her clothes and she tests the water.
"Come here baby"
She helps me to step into the shower.
My head is pounding.
She holds me in the shower and she shampoos my hair.
I wince as the shampoo gets into my eyes
"Sorry baby"
She finishes rinsing it and then she dries me off.
I put on a fresh pair of pyjamas and I get back into the bed
"Baby you need to have breakfast"
"I don't feel well so I'm staying here"
"Alright. I'll get you something to eat"
She leaves and I sigh.
I take out the blades that I concealed in my bag.
The blood stops but then it turns into a blood bath.
Jane walks in and she screams.
She grabs my arms and puts pressure on them.
She screams Sandy's name as she cradled me.
I feel myself becoming less aware of what's going on
"BLAH BLAH BLAH!"
That's all I can here.
Sandy comes in and calls an ambulance
"We are going to transport her to the hospital"
Jane nods and the paramedics come in.
They make tourniquets on my arms and my thighs.
I sob as Jane holds my hand as she audibly cries.
When we arrive, the priority is to stitch my wounds.
I see Sandy consoling Jane outside of the room.
I look away after prolonged eye contact with the window.
They finish stitching it and it's sore.
I wince as Jane opens the door
"Sandy...could you leave us alone for a while?"
"Of course. I need to go back and do paperwork about this incident"
She leaves and Jane closes the door.
I hear the door lock and I sit up slightly.
"GET OUT! I WANT YOU TO GET OUT!"
I sob.
"You don't get to tell me what you want baby. I'm staying"
"LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!"
I repeat as she crosses her arms.
"I'm not leaving you"
I'm internally stressing right now.
"Please just fucking go!"
"I'm not leaving you"
She repeats as she sits down.
I sigh accepting defeat.
She looks so pissed at me.
Her eyes brows are furrowed and her jaw is clenched.
"Are you mad!"
I question with tears in my eyes
"Yes I am! I didn't expect you to have blades in your fucking suitcase baby"
"I'm sorry, I just want the pain to stop"
She moves from the chair to the bed.
She sits in front of me and I move back.
"What pain baby?"
"The mental torture I put myself through"
I finally tell her.
"The suicidal thoughts, the self loathing thoughts, the self destructive thoughts, the fear, the anger and the urge to die. It's too much for me to handle"
"I'm always here baby, I just don't understand why you don't talk to me about it"
"I don't talk about it...because it's you baby. I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you by telling you all this shit!"
"Baby that's not healthy. You don't hurt me by telling me things"
"Oh"
I say shocked.
"Talk to me baby"
I instantly start to cry again and I cling to her.
She holds me in her arms.
"I don't know how to be a normal person anymore. Ever since Allen, I haven't been able to be myself. I changed in that house. I feel like I'm not entirely here anymore"
She nods
"I would constantly try to hurt myself and Allen prevented me from doing so. He would never let me out unless I was nowhere near sharps. On the first day I was there, I tried to escape by whacking the handcuffs off the bed frame, I injured my wrist but I had scratched the handcuffs. He found out and he punished me but he forgot where he'd put the handcuffs. I had hidden them underneath the bed: he went out and I cut myself"
"He got really pissed but I don't really remember-"
Allen walks in.
There I am with tears dripping down mt face and the white sheet has blood on it.
"I swear if you've gotten your period."
"No...I didn't"
I snap out of it since that's the only part I fully remember.
What he didn't know and only Jane knows, I don't get them anymore due to the eating disorder.
She knows that I had anorexia as a teen but she doesn't know it carried on, or does she?.
"You don't get them anymore baby because of you're anorexia right?"
"Yeah"
I nod and she rubs my forehead.
"He would always get mad, it's  something switched in him. If I wanted food he'd get mad, if I wanted water he'd get mad, if I need to go to the bathroom he'd get so mad, if I got sick he got angry, if I was in pain he'd hit me more and when I was tied up or gagged he'd laugh at me struggling"
"My poor Mira having to deal with that"
"He loved to role play. I had to be myself but in a doctor form and 'treat his injuries'. He would be a teacher and I'd be the naive school girl. He would do some other freak stuff but I just wanna sleep right now"
"Alright baby but you need to tell me the other stuff he did with you"
"I know"
I say as I yawn.
I turn around and she snuggles into my back.
She big spoons me until I fall asleep