Finding Her

That Feeling Inside

I wake up in Jane's arms.
I smile as she wakes up
"Hey baby, did you sleep okay?"
"Very well surprisingly"
"You must've been overtired"
"Definitely baby"
She helps me to shower and get dressed.
I wince as the cold air hits my ribs
Jane hugs me as I start to cry.
"I can't believe it happened again"
I sob.
She holds me and supports me.
We lie on the couch.
"Does your mom know what happened?"
"She was the one who found you baby"
"Oh my god...I don't know"
I send her a text saying that I'm sorry for what happened.
She replies saying that she hopes I'm okay and not to be sorry
I lie on the couch as Jane makes breakfast.
I struggle to eat it but I finish it.
I go back to bed and sleep for most of the day.
I wake up crying.
Jane comes in and she comforts me.
I get up and sit down on the couch.
I stare at the tv and I want to scrub my body clean of everything.
I wrap myself in a blanket and I lean forward whilst that nauseous feeling creeps up inside of me.
I ditch the blanket , storm past Jane who's still in the bedroom and open the toilet lid.
I vomit as Jane sits on the bath edge and she rubs my back.
I emerge from the toilet bowl and I sigh.
I wipe my mouth as Jane asks if I'm okay.
"I'm okay"
I say as I rinse my mouth.
I gargle some mouthwash and I spit it out.
"What happened baby? Why did you get sick? You can tell me baby"
"I couldn't stop thinking about...it"
"It?"
"Amy and how sadistic she was."
"Can you tell me what happened baby?"
I shake my head rapidly as my breaths become shallow.
"Okay okay baby you don't have to , take a deep breath for me"
I follow her breathing as she holds me.
She rubs my forehead as I continue sobbing.
"You can always talk to me baby."
She kisses me on the cheek and I kiss her back.
"I will talk about it when I'm ready...maybe tonight?"
"Okay no rush darling"
She smiles as she lets go of me.
I get up and I blow my nose.
I stare at the picture of Jane and I on our kitchen counter and smile.
Jane watches me as I tap my finger on the counter.
"Baby, you seem bored. Do you wanna go for a walk."
"Walking is scientifically proven to prevent illnesses so yes"
She smiles.
I grab my handbag and change into a pair of runners.
I smile as we step outside.
We go the other route.
I take in all the scenery.
I watch as the trees blow in the wind.
I sip on the coffee Jane bought me as I swing slowly on the swing in the park.
She sits beside me on the other swing and swings at the same pace.
She sips on her coffee and then she speaks.
"Aren't you cold baby? You're not wearing a coat"
"I'm freezing but it's a good kind of cold"
"No baby let's go home."
She takes me off the swing
"I don't want to go home"
I say as a tear falls.
"Why baby? Are you scared?"
She questions.
I shake my head.
"I just want to stay here..."
"Baby come on"
I start to cry.
"Hey hey it's okay"'
She embraces me and gives me her coat.
She walks me home and then she turns on the heating.
"You are freezing baby"
I sob as she rubs my back whilst we sit on the bed.
She sits behind me and puts her arms around me.
I grip onto her arm and she rocks me slightly
"I can't do this anymore!"
I sob frustrated.
"What do you mean baby?"
"I can't live anymore! I feel like a different person, I flinch anytime people move , I want to die!"
I cry.
"Baby I'm seriously worried for you, are you going to try and kill yourself again anytime you're alone?"
I shrug.
"Okay baby I have an idea."
"What is it?"
I question as a tear falls.
"You can come to work with me but you can just sit and relax."
"But wouldn't I be useless just sitting there?"
"You can observe baby but you have to rest , you can't go fully back to work yet."
I nod
"Okay that sounds good"
I kiss her and I change into my pyjamas.
We have dinner and I go to bed early.