Finding Her

Stares

I'm sitting on the couch staring at the tv which is turned off.
Allen comes in from shopping.
I look up at him scared of what he's gonna do
He's just caught me in the living when I wasn't supposed to be
Shit!
"Why are you out here?! Get back into your room!"
I stand up
He slaps me on the ass and I rush into my room.
He follows me inside.
"You're gonna accept this punishment because you deserve it!"
I wake up screaming in Jane's arms
She wipes my tears
"Sh sh you're okay baby"
I take a deep breath.
She rubs my forehead slightly until I fall back asleep
When I'm awoken, we're outside the familiar hospital.
I sigh as Jane helps me out of the car
I've came down from the adderall high.
I walk inside and Sandy stops me
"You know the drill"
I sigh as she takes me into that room.
She strips me and searches me.
Jane watches as she find the blades over hidden in my bra and pockets.
"We're gonna confiscate these"
I cry as she takes them away.
She comes back with our bags.
"We're gonna search both of the bags"
Jane nods.
Sandy empties it out as another female worker helps her.
She finds the blades that I've hidden in my suitcase.
"Okay so you're not allowed suitcases in your room"
I sigh.
She puts the suitcases away then we get shown to a different room.
I walk inside and I feel so out of place.
I feel uncomfortable
I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I fold my clothes and I place them in the wardrobe.
They don't allow hangers so I just leave them on the wardrobe floor.
Jane does the same.
I tap my fingers off the wall.
Jane watches helplessly.
"Smoke...smoke"
I keep repeating.
"Baby let's change your patch"
"No! I want the real thing!"
"No baby, it's gonna hurt you in the future"
"I won't be here in the future!"
I yell as I storm off.
I've concealed cigarettes in my clothes so i grab them.
I hurry over to Sandy's office
"Hi- is there something I can-"
"Lighter please"
She looks up from her paperwork.
"You can't smoke in here"
"Fine just please give me the lighter"
She hands it to me and I rush outside.
Jane follows hot on my heels.
I take a drag outside.
She stares at me
"How can you do that? You're a medical examiner! You examine people with the blackest lungs ever!"
"Just let me be! I want to smoke in peace?!"
She sighs and she sits down a bench.
She watches as I puff on the cigarette.
I walk around and I keep puffing until it's done
I stamp it out then I go back inside as Jane follows like a wounded dog
"We have to talk about what you said baby?"
"No!"
I cover my chest area since I'm insecure as I sit on the bed.
"Baby please...I need to know"
"No you don't!"
I cry as she locks the door
"Open"
I sob.
"NO tell me please baby?"
"I-I said it in the heat of the moment!"
"No you didn't baby...it was intentional!"
"Fine it was!"
She holds me as I sob.
"I can't see myself living past next year"
I admit with tears streaming down my face.
"Oh baby...you need to have a session with Sandy later"
I shake my head rapidly.
"I just wanna fall asleep!"
"Okay baby"
I lie down and she puts my comfort blanket over me and she places my comfort teddy bear.
I sob until we fall asleep in an embrace.