Finding Her

Revelations

Allen unchains me so I stand up.
"Thank you"
I proceed to stretch my legs as he closes the door.
He stares at me
"What?"
He looks at my body.
"I have damaged you...you'll never be the same Maura"
I sob as he stares at me.
"You are so weak Maura"
"You're not even worth anything"
"You're so annoying!"
I fall to the floor and sob.
He gets onto the floor and holds me.
I try to fight it but I give in and I sob into his arms.
"It's okay baby, I've got you!"
I wake up and Jane is saying these exact same words
I immediately fight my way out of her arms.
"baby, what's wrong?"
I tie my hair up and throw on a pair of gym shorts and a jacket.
I open the door and go outside.
I see her lock the door and wrap her coat around her.
"Baby come back....where are you going?"
"I'm going for a run"
I start to run and she runs with me.
I put my headphones in and listen to music as she tries to convince me to stop running.
I run for a couple hours until it's bright.
I go back home and take off my jacket.
I take a long shower and I see Jane on the phone.
"She needs serious help and I don't know what to do with her anymore...she's destructing again and destroying her body."
She's probably calling Sandy because of my "erratic" behaviour.
I soap up my body and I sob.
I get out and Sandy is standing there.
I'm completely naked and I shiver
"What the fuck!"
I say as I grab my towel.
I wrap myself in it and I walk away.
Sandy steps out so that I can get dressed
"Why did you call her!!?"
I cry
"You need serious help baby"
"Fuck you"
"Baby, I love you and I want you to be okay"
Jane watches as I get myself dressed.
I attempt to leave but Jane holds me back
"Sit down baby."
"No"
I stay standing as Sandy comes back
"You're going to a mental hospital baby. A real one this time , one that'll actually help you"
"NO! NO NO! NO I AM NOT! FUCK THA-t!"
I sob as my voice breaks.
"Baby baby calm down...it's gonna be okay"
"STOP IT JANEY! DON'T MAKE ME GO AWAY!"
I start to scratch myself rapidly and Sandy ends up putting mittens on me.
She escorts me to the car as I still refuse to go.
"Baby I've checked this place out. It's real and safe"
Sandy lowers my head into the car.
She straps me in carefully.
She lets me say goodbye to Jane and Jane tells me that she'll visit me tomorrow with a bag of stuff.
I nod and Sandy closes the door.
Sandy gets into the driver's seat and drives away.
I suddenly break down and Sandy finds it hard not to stare.
My hands and legs shake as I sob.
I pull a blanket from the backseat and I attempt to sleep whilst sobbing.
Sandy watches as I drift in and out of sleep
"Go to sleep sweetie. Don't try and fight it, I know that you're tired"
I nod and start to let myself sleep.
I wake up to Sandy rubbing me awake
"Huh?!"
Tears fall quicker as she tells me that we're here.
This building is new and it's red.
"You're in the female ward also known as south side. Block A."
I nod slightly.
She pats me down at the entrance and I sob.
She makes me squat and cough in a private room.
"You're a slave to your desires Maura"
She comments as she removes the blades from my bra.
"You're only figuring that out now"
I comment as she lets me get dressed.
She shows me to my room and I get into the bed straight away.
I just lie there.
I don't talk to Sandy who recites Hamlet out loud.
I don't hear anything.
I don't see anything.
I don't touch anything
I don't smell anything
I don't taste anything
I don't have any facial expressions: I'm just numb.
I face the wall.
I fall asleep again.
"Maura honey- it's time for dinner!"
She says
"I'm not hungry"
I sigh.
"Maura you have to eat.  Get up"
She pulls me up
"Hey! Let go of me!"
"I'm sorry"
She removes my arm and she leads me to the canteen.
I order a protein bar.
Something light.
Something with small calories.
"Get something more filling Maura...that's not enough"
"How do you know?"
"I'm a nutritionist too and I have a degree."
"I don't think I can eat anymore than this"
I say looking at the two measly bars.
I sit at the table with her as everyone looks.
"Who's she?"
I hear a woman with a weirdly cut blonde fringe say.
"I don't know but she's hot!"'
I hear somebody say back to her.
"Stop looking at me!"
I cry as I unfold the packaging.
"Okay sorry"
She looks away
I eat the bars so slowly that everyone else has left by the time I'm done.
"I'm done"
I tell Sandy as she smiles
"Well done"
I smile.
I go back to my room and lie down.
"Group is tomorrow and I'll let you introduce yourself"
I get a flashback to group with Amy and my hand shakes.
I turn into the wall and I randomly start to sob.
Sandy sits on my bed
"Hey hey it's okay...why are you crying?"
"I- I was in- group before...with Amy"
I manage to get out.
Another painful sob rips through my body.
I end up clinging to Sandy.
"It's like - Amy's here!"
I sob.
"I can assure you that she's dead"
"I know that but I feel her presence."
"You're safe honey"
She lets me hold her until I fall asleep.