Finding Her

Pain

I tell my dad to fuck off as I slam the front door shut.
My small pink skirt flows as I rush away
"GET YOUR FAT ASS BACK HERE!"
He yells
He chases after me and eventually I lose him.
I run to the railway tracks and I meet Lucky
I kiss him immediately as tears fall.
"Baby baby hey hey...you're okay? What's happened?! You seem frantic"
"Can- can I have some spliff please?! I need it!"
"Hey hey baby- what's wrong?"
He questions as he cups my face.
"My- my dad"
"Did he do it again? Baby tell me the truth?"
I nod as tears fall.
"That bastard"
He gives me the spliff and I take a drag.
I shoot up too.
My dad catches us
I yank the needle out of my arm and I feel so dizzy.
Lucky doesn't run away this time but now he wishes that he did.
Dad punches Lucky and knocks him out.
I check his pulse.
He's alive, thank god!
"Dad! What the fuck?!"
He grabs my arm and flings me into the front seat.
"Dad dad! We have to go back? You hurt him?!"
"He deserved it! Fucking my little Maura!"
"I'm not your little girl dad!"
"This is what happens when you make me mad!"
He pulls over and he yanks me over his knee
"Stop stop!"
I sob as he yanks off my skirt.
"You came without permission!"
He comments as he notices the stains.
"You're not supposed to wear thongs!"
"You're not supposed to rape me!?"
I sob.
He grabs the paddle from the back seat and he holds me in place.
"No no please! I'm sorry?!"
He slaps me harshly with it
I screech in pain.
It hurts so bad
He repeated it until I was practically begging him.
My cheeks were red raw and bleeding
It was dark outside and the moon was a rare blue colour.
The trees reflected onto the car window and I was scared.
He throws me back onto my seat without a second glance.
Discarded like the rusty blades and needles
He feels me up as he drives.
I just sit there and cry.
He pulls up to our house and he yanks me inside.
I fall to the floor
"Jen-Jennifer what are you doing here?!"
"I'm here for another session."
"Fuck no!"
I walk away up the stairs and I yank off my belt.
I pull my sleeve up since I need to shoot up again.
I didn't realise but my dad had been watching me inject it.
"YOU FUCKING ADDICT!!"
"LEAVE ME BE?"
I sob.
He yanks me and he takes the needle.
He throws it into the bin
"Get your ass down them stairs or I'll push you!"
I walk down them as I stumble since I'm tripping.
I smack into a wall.
My father drags me into the living room
My mom looks shocked at what I've done to myself.
My nose is bleeding.
My dad gives me a tissue.
He sits me down beside him.
"She's just took some heroin that's why she is so livid right now"
"Oh my gosh...heroin?"
My mother says
"She has tons of needles and drugs stored in her room. I can't confiscate them because she's going through withdrawals"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I try to run but he grabs me.
"Sh sh"
He tells me as he bends me over the couch.
Jennifer shifts.
"Nope you stay Jennifer, she needs to see this!"
She nods and slides back down into her chair.
My mother stares at him.
"You need to see this? She needs to be humiliated!"
"It'll only hurt for a second"
He comments as he forces himself inside.
"Ow! Ow? Stop please?!"
He thrust me back and forth.
"Mom please help?!"
I sob.
He grabs my mouth and he puts his hand over it.
I muffle swear words.
I scream as he cums.
He quickly removes himself.
He yanks his jeans up and he pulls up my panties.
"Sit down."
"I- it hurts"
"I'm sorry baby, you need to learn"
He puts a cushion underneath me and it softens the chair which is good.
I have tears rapidly falling down my cheek.
"I- I'm sorry you had to see that Jennifer"
"It's fine"
She responds as she places a hand on her bump.
"I don't want a therapy session!"
I cry to my dad.
"Fine you've had enough for one day. Go up to your room now!"
I nod and I get up
Blood has smeared onto the cushion.
"Don't think I didn't see that, I'll beat you later"
I rush off crying.
I quickly clean myself up.
I check my period app.
"SHIT!"
I say out loud.
I quickly grab a pad.
I put it on then I pull up my pyjamas.
Tears fall as I get into bed.
My stomach has already started to cramp so I feel out of sorts.
My dad appears in my room.
He appears with a belt.
"Take off your panties!"
He yells.
"Dad- I-"
"Spit it out girl"
"My periods came"
"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"
He grabs me as I scream.
He puts me lying onto my stomach.
He spanks me but this time with my clothes on.
It doesn't hurt as much which is good.
I am off my period a week later.
The rapes come to an all time high.
"Not again?!"
I cry as he tugs at my shirt.
"I rape you more because you're growing older and I need to savour them."
"You disgust me!"
I had texted Lucky to pick me up from the house.
He's standing outside so I run out.
I take his hand and we both leg it.
We rush away and we head to a beach in town.
We make out in the sand
"I love you so much Maura"
"I love you more Lucky"
We have sex and then we fall asleep.
I wake up to my dad kicking me in the ribs.
I'm still on the beach
"Where's lucky?!"
I scream.
"He's gone back to his house!"
He yanks me up and punches my in the face.
I sob as he grabs my shirt.
He drags me to the car and throws me inside.
My whole body hurts and it's grazed.
I dry as he sits into the drivers seat.
"Dad- I'm sorry! I just didn't wanna get punished today- I couldn't deal with it?!"
He stares into my soul
"You're going to get a worse punishment."
"Please? I'm sorry! All I wanted to do was go somewhere with my boyfriend!"
"Fuck I knew it! He is your boyfriend"
"I- I thought you knew"
"I had suspected."
He slaps me.
"Dad I'm growing up! It's only natural?!"
"It's only natural that I punish you for your bad behaviour!"
He drives home.
He yanks me into the house.
He forces me onto the bed.
He ties my hands up with my mothers scarf.
I feel my breath become slow.
I shake my head as he gets the ball gag.
He nods and he forces it inside my mouth.
I cry as I attempt not to choke.
He rape me over and over.
He beats me until I can't take it anymore.
I pass out.
I meet up with my mom years later and I have coffee with her
"I'm so sorry about what your dad did to you."
"He- he didn't do anything"
"Maura you're breaking out in hives, you're lying"
I look down at my arm which was on the table.
Of course there's hives.
"Mom- I'm trying to block it out and forget all about it"
"You and I both know that that's physically not possible baby"
I take a sip from my coffee.
"I- I wish it was"
I suddenly see Jane from across the street.
I told her that I was going for a walk!
Shit, shit shit!
She's coming over.
"Hey baby"
She smiles
"Hi- honey"
"Who's this fine lady?"
My mom questions.
"This is my- girlfriend Jane"
"Ooo you bagged yourself a fine one."
She smiles as she laughs.
Jane laughs too.
"I'll go get you a drink, sit down please"
My mom smiles.
"I'll have a iced latte please."
Jane sits down and puts her bag down
My mom nods and she goes inside.
"Who is that?"
She whispers to me
"That's my mom. I saw her whilst walking and we decided to go for coffee"
"Oh nice."
We have a chat and then she mentions my dad again.
My shoulders raise up and I feel so small.
"Mom- can we not talk about him?"
"Sure darling, I'm sorry"
"It's fine"
We continue with the conversation.
We head home.
"Hey so what's up with your dad? I've never met him before, I'd like to meet him sometime"
"Trust me you- you don't"
I know that because he just wouldn't be able to control himself if he saw me again.
"Why baby?"
"I- I don't wanna talk about him"
Her eyebrows raise in confusion
I walk away from her.
Tears fall quickly.
"Baby- what did he do? Why are you so reluctant to talk about him?"
"It-it doesn't matter! Let's get ready for bed, we have work tomorrow"
She nods and we get undressed.
Jane and I wake up at the same time
I scream
Jane opens her arms and I immediately throw myself into them.
I sob as she rubs my back.
"Nightmare"
Is all I manage to say.
"Oh honey."
She rubs my back until I fall back asleep