Finding Her

Rehabilitation

I'm in the shower and suddenly Hugo appears.
I try to cover my soaped up body.
"Put your hands on the wall now!"
He yells at me as he joins me.
I'm in shock so I don't move.
He removes my hands from my body and drives me up against the wall.
"I want you to shut up and call me sir!"
"Please!"
I cry as he forces himself inside of me.
He rapes me from behind as I cry in pain.
I wake up screaming in Jane's arms.
"He- he wouldn't stop!"
I sigh
"Sh it's okay baby...nobody can hurt you"
She holds me until I stop sobbing.
I get up and force myself to get dressed
Jane watches me as I stare into the abyss
"Are you alright baby?"
"Y-yeah I'm fine"
My voice shakes since I'm lying.
"You're breaking out in hives again...you're lying baby"
She points to my wrists that's now bumpy and red with hives
"Please just stop with the hives thing?!"
I start to sob as I scratch at them
She takes her hands into mine
"Tell me why you're doing that baby?"
"LEAVE ME ALONE"
I go to leave our room but she blocks the door
"Let me out!"
"No baby, you have to talk to me"
She closes the door and she locks it
"I'm serious- let me- let me out."
I begin to panic so I pace around.
I tap my fingers on the wall in a sequence of 2
She watches as I do this
"Baby...baby...honey...listen to me love"
I turn my head towards her
"Tell me what's wrong"
I shake my head and continue tapping
She takes me away from the wall and she makes me sit down.
"Tell me."
"No!"
I cry.
"Why won't you tell me baby?"
"I- I just can't! It makes it too real and I feel like I'm back in that house!"
"I'll be here baby...I can reassure you that you're with me"
"I- I don't know"
"It'll help you baby. Keeping whatever is hurting you locked inside isn't helping"
"Fine"
I take a deep breath as she smiles
"Amy was kind to me. She let me shower and she comforted me after the rapes but with- Allen, he would ridicule me for everything! He'd ridicule me for standing up, he'd ridicule me for not eating, he'd ridicule me for the rapes, he told me that I deserved it, he told me I was a worthless whore and a nasty slut who loved- who loved when he came in me"
"Oh baby...you know that you didn't deserve it right?"
"I- I did deserve it!"
She removes me from her arms and she cups my face.
"You listen to me baby...you didn't deserve anything that's ever happened to you! You aren't a worthless whore and you're not a nasty slut!"
"I- am those things baby."
She lets go of my face and she drags me over to the mirror in the bathroom
"What are you doing?"
"Say that to a 9 year old you!"
I hesitate
"I- I can't!"
"Exactly...so don't say it to yourself now baby"
I break down in her arms
"You're so hard on yourself baby...you say stuff about your body that is horrible"
"I know but I can't stop it"
She takes me into another embrace and I can tell that she doesn't like the feel of my bony back.
"I just want to be okay!"
I sob.
"I know baby, I know you do"
We go downstairs and we have breakfast
Afterwards, I sit on the couch and I read some books.
Then we have lunch and I go for a nap.