Finding Her

Here

We arrive early in the morning and we meet a familiar face : Sandy.
"Hey Maura...what happened?"
"I- I don't want to talk."
"okay thats fine. I'll just get you situated but you already know the place"
I nod and we get searched.
We're taken into a room.
"I'll let you guys relax."
"Can we um share the bed baby?"
I question.
"Of course"
She smiles with happiness beaming on her face, I knew she didn't want to have her own bed.
She puts my comfort blanket on the bed for me.
I unpack my stuff and I pack around because I don't know what to do.
Jane observes me.
I notice that she's brought a notebook with her.
"Are you going to taking notes?"
I question with a frown as I fold my arms.
"Yes"
She walks into the en-suite.
She looks at me as I watch her use the bathroom.
"What Maura, why are you staring at me?"
"You always do this with me"
"That's because you're a danger to yourself"
I walk away from her and flip down onto the bed.
I sob into my pillow.
I feel her rubbing my back and now she's lying down beside me.
I allow her to fully touch me in the bed for once.
She spoons me protecting me.
She looks at me sobbing and she cries too.
"I'm sorry you're hurting so much baby"
I don't respond, I just cry into her chest.
It turns into a wail so loud that Sandy comes running in.
She evaluates the situation and then she leaves.
She closes the door on her way out.
"I- I love you Janey"
"I love you more than anything my little Mira"
Sometimes she calls me Mira as a nickname but not often.
She holds me until dinner time.
She stares blankly at me as I eat a protein bar.
"What?"
I question as my eyebrow furrows.
"Did you eat these the whole time you were here? That's not healthy baby."
"Yeah"
I shrug and continue eating it slowly.
Jane eats her food
"I know you have an eating disorder baby, your knuckles are always covered in red bruises so I know that you make yourself sick. You are so thin"
"Whatever"
I get up from the table and walk away.
She follows me with anger on her face.
"Baby, you can't walk away, you'll have to face this sooner or later"
"I DON'T WANT TO FACE IT OKAY! JUST PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT IT!"
"NO BABY! YOU HAVE TO TALK!"
"I SWEAR JANE...just please LEAVE ME ALONE?"
She locks the door and stand in the way of the bathroom door
"Talk now Maura"
I walk away from her and crouch down in the corner.
I hold my knees up to my chest.
"What the fuck- are you doing? You're way out of line!"
I question as my voice breaks.
"Waiting for you to talk...you need to tell me what the fuck is going on with you"
"Please- please let me out of here!"
I sob.
My hands go numb and I can't move.
I shake
I  rock back and forward
My breathing becomes shallow.
"Jane...I can't- I can't"
"Okay Maura...I think you're having a panic attack. I need you to take deep breaths for me."
She holds my hand and I grip it tight.
I focus on her breathing and I copy it.
"Good baby"
"I'm serious...Jane unlock the door now"
"What's the thing with the door honey"
"I want out, I feel trapped. Allen would- lock me in rooms all day long"
"Okay I'll unlock it but you still need to stay here"
"Fine"
She unlocks it and I feel relieved.
I stay on the floor and Jane sits down in front of me.
She holds my hands.
"I'm not gonna talk"
I shake my head
"We'll talk about it some other time"
I stand up and I change into my pyjamas.
I  cover myself with the duvet.
I put my comfort blanket on my face because I love the texture of it.
Jane gets in beside me.
"I'm gonna go to sleep"
I tell her
"Alright, I love you and I'm sorry"
"I love you more and I'm sorry"
We kiss before I turn off the lamp.