Finding Her

Aftermath

I wake up with a pain in my chest, head and wrists.
What the fuck did I do?
I look down to see that bandages cling to my wrists like I clung onto life.
I look around to see doctors.
I'm in a hospital.
I'm alive...
Great!
Jane's going to be so mad at me.
I sigh and try to free up my mind from those thoughts
I see Jane looking in at me from the window with tears in her eyes
I stare blankly for a second and then I avoid eye contact.
She comes in and she stands above my bed.
"How are you honey?"
"I'm great , how are you?"
I say sarcastically.
"I know that you're not okay baby, why else would you slit your wrists huh!"
"Don't yell at me!"
I screech as a million tears come flooding at once.
"I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry!"
She tries to hug me but I shake my head
"It hurts too much to hug , I'm sorry"
I wince as I feel the stitches in my wrist.
"That's okay"
She holds my hand lightly as I stare blankly up at the ceiling.
I feel the back of the hospital gown bow tie scratch against my neck
I'm so uncomfortable.
A doctors appears
"Maura , you're going to have a visitor now. I don't want you to freak out becasue your stitches could possibly rip or your heart rate could spike"
"Who is it? Tell me now and please don't lie!"
"She's a psychiatrist"
"I don't want to talk to her."
I cry
"You have to."
"Make him go away baby please!?"
"I think you should go"
She tells him.
He nods and he leaves
A woman appears.
Standing 5' 3" tall, this white skinned woman has a very unsteady feel about her.
Her mid-back length, wavy, light brown hair is slicked back.
She has deep set, hazel eyes, angled lips, plucked eyebrows and a pointed chin.
She wears complimentary lipstick, an unsuitably-coloured foundation to hide her blemishes, mahogany blush, artistic eyeshadow and pastel eyeliner.
She has long arms, short legs, and broad shoulders. She has piercings in three places: her left eyebrow and both ears
I already don't like her.
She looked at me like she thought I was crazy
"I'm sorry but you can't be here for this interview"
She tells Jane.
"I'll be in the hallways baby"
She kisses me goodbye as I mouth don't leave me.
She frowns as she closes the door.
"May I sit?"
She questions
I look away from her and I nod.
"Thank you"
She smiles.
She takes out her notebook and flips to a page.
"My name is Amy, what's yours?"
I sigh as she stares at me awaiting an answer
"Maura?"
I mumble
"Sorry , I couldn't hear you"
"Maura"
I tell her a little louder.
"What made you slit your wrists then Maura?"
"I've struggled since I was held hostage and raped about a month ago?"
"That must've taken a big impact on your mental health."
I nod slightly.
"I see that you've attempted suicide before?"
"Yeah"
"You are at risk of harming yourself again because the last time a couple of days after we sent you home , you did it again."
"Whatever"
I sigh
"I'm going to bring Jane back in now"
I nod and sigh a sigh of relief.
Jane hugs me as I sob
"We are going to hold you under the mental health act."
I scream no as Jane holds me
"You'll be going to a private psych ward when you'll receive therapy and recover"
"I don't need to be in a psych ward!!"
I cry.
"Maura , you need to be treated before it gets worse and if you attempt again , it could possibly work"
"We have a space for you so you'll be going once we get a transport van. I work at the ward so I'll be seeing a lot more of you."
The tears keep rolling down my cheek
"I'll visit you every day baby"
"Janey please , I really don't want to go there."
"I need you to get better baby, if not for me,'do it for yourself"
I have a fear of men ever since the kidnapping andI already know some of the doctors are going to mistreat me so that's just great.
"Janey promise me , that you'll visit every day?"
"Of course I will baby. I love you"
"I love you more"
She leaves and I hear her sobs as she walks away.
It's so awkward so I decide to break the silence
"I've always loved the name Amy"
"Me too"
She smiles at me.
A man in a black vest turns up and I move slightly back suddenly
"Hey hey hey it's okay...he's with me"
I focus on my breathing as the monitor I'm hooked up to beeps slightly.
It stops and then I'm calm.
"I'm Hugo, I'm a doctor at the psych ward you're going to"
"Let's get you ready to go"
"Wait? What about clothes?"
I realise that I have nothing underneath my hospital gown as Amy helps me to stand up
I actually like her now
"We have clothes at the centre for you and you're not allowed anything sharp or anything that could possibly hurt you like for example shoelaces and hoodie strings"
I shake as she supports me.
The doctors unhook my from my machines.
"You also aren't allowed phones so I'm afraid you'll have yours over when we get there and your handbag too."
I nod.
I text Jane and she brings me a pair of boxers and a bra.
She watches as I change into them as Amy and Hugo wait outside
She walks me back out and kisses me goodbye
I kiss her back and cry.
I put into the back seat of a random black car with Amy sitting next to me so that I don't do anything.
I cough lightly
"I take anxiety pills , is that okay?"
"As long as we administer them and we you swallow them then of course"
Hugo tells me as I nod
"Which ones are you on?"
"Prozac"
"I'll check your medical records to get you the correct dosage"
"We have to search you when we get there by the way"
Amy holds my hand as i start to cry again
"I'll do it honey , I know about your fear so I'll do it and you can always talk to me. I'll show you where my office is and you can always sleep in my office because I know you can't sleep most of the time"
"Thank you Amy"
I smile lightly but continue crying.
"It's a long car journey so you should try and rest"
Hugo comments.
"Thanks but I don't think I can rest at a time like this"
"That's fine"
I place my head on Amy's shoulder and I try to relax