Finding Her

Triggers

I wake up the next morning completely distraught.
I cling to Bella as I rock myself back and forward
"You're safe! You're safe!"
I repeat to myself.
Jane wakes up and I cling to her whilst clutching Bella with one hand.
"Sh sh I've got you."
I take deep breaths as Jane smiles
She feeds me breakfast and I take my pregnancy vitamins.
I yawn as we head to my therapy session
"Have you got Bella honey?"
I shake my head
"Nobody's gonna judge you honey. Run in and get her."
I nod and I rush upstairs.
I hold Bella underneath my coat in an attempt to not become embarrassed
A grown woman needs a stupid teddy to fall asleep and to go to her therapy session with her.
"Got her?"
She questions
"Yep"
I pull her out from underneath my coat and I sit her onto my lap.
I smile slightly.
I find myself stroking her ears without even knowing that I'm doing it
Jane helps me out of the car since my bump is getting bigger and I just needed the extra help to be honest
I take a deep breath as I sit in the waiting room
I sit Bella down onto my lap.
I fiddle with my necklace then I stroke Bella's ears
Jane holds one of my hands
"You're going to be okay honey"
"Thanks baby"
Sandy appears
"Hi Jane, Hi Maura! I see you've brought Bella along like I asked well done"
"Thanks"
I smile slightly as we walk into the room.
I take a seat and I get comfortable.
"I think we should discuss your triggers in this session so you're aware of what they are. Does that sound like a plan to you?"
"Okay"
"If you get scared or have a flashback or anything really, you can stroke Bella's ears how does that sound?"
"Great"
I nod as I take a deep breath
"Do you prefer to talk through it or write them down then talk?"
"Write them then talk?"
"Okay yep that's fine."
She gives me a notebook.
"Alright so what do you think your triggers are? You can list them, do a mind map, do whatever you feel like."
"I know that I have a lot of them."
She nods
"They're stupid really."
"No no, no triggers are stupid Maura."
"Okay sorry."
"Sh it's okay."
I start to think then I start to write
- Being yelled at
- Allen
- My dad
- Vodka and other drinks
- Being restrained / trapped in a room
- Amy and Hugo
- Flashbacks
- Panic Attacks
- Drugs
- People talking about rape
- Needing to use the bathroom
- Chains
- Loud noises
I finally speak
"I'm done. I probably have more but I just can't think of any at the moment baby brain."
"That's okay. You've got a lot down already"
I nod
"Alright so being yelled at, what does that trigger for you?"
"I- it triggers memories of my dad yelling in my face. It also pushes me to self harm"
"Okay"
"What about Allen?"
"Allen can trigger flashbacks. If I see someone who looks remotely like him I'll have a flashback. Same with Amy"
She nods.
I take a limited breath
"Why don't you give Bella a little squeeze? I can see that you're anxious"
I nod.
I squeeze Bella close to my chest and tears fall.
I start to sob
"Oh honey. Deep breaths, here have some water"
Jane makes me drink some water and I feel slightly better afterwards.
I take a couple of deep breaths as I focus on Bella
I stroke her ears and I also hold her tightly.
"That's it Maura focus on Bella"
"I- I'm doing that"
I cry.
"That's amazing"
I nod.
I take deep breath.
We talk through the rest of my triggers and by the end I'm shaking.
"I think we should have a relaxing bath when we get home honey?"
"Sure"
I cry
Jane helps me to get into the car.
She runs the bath once we've got home.
"I'm exhausted"
I sigh as I pull off my bra
"I know honey but now we're home."
I nod as I get fully undressed.
I slowly ease myself into the bath as Jane gets herself undressed.
She gets in behind me
She lets me cling to her as I sob
She helps me to breathe as I start to get panicky.
"Sh sh I'm here"
She then gets me dry and dressed
She helps me to ease into a better mind space
I cling to Bella as we watch tv
Her small black eyes stare up at me and I smile slightly.
We watch tv cuddled in an embrace then we kiss each other Goodnight.
I fall asleep whilst holding Bella