Everything Has Changed

MK and Ashley

I woke up to suffocation. Being dramatic? I wish.

Lizzie's whole body was placed on top of mine and her head my buried against my neck. I didn't want to wake her up as she looked so fucking peaceful, so I very very slowly put my hands under her arms to lay her next to me. She groaned as I placed her body back down and kissed her head. She smiled lightly and quickly fell back asleep, using her arm as a pillow. I knew I wasn't going to get back to sleep so I crawled out from under the duvet and walked into the lounge.

It's not often that I smoke, only when I'm stressed or upset but God I really wanted to smoke right now.

I walked into the kitchen to get my tin before walking back over to my window to open it slightly as I lit the pre-rolled spliff from the bottom of the tin. I took a long drag and exhaled the smoke from my mouth, letting out a big sigh as I did.

"Baby, what are doing awake?" I heard behind me.

Lizzie was standing, squinting her eyes and looking at me hanging out the window. My t-shirt hanging off her slim build.

"Couldn't sleep," I replied, taking another drag, "why are you awake?"

"Turns out I couldn't sleep without you next to me," she said smiling before walking over to me.

I nodded my head and exhaled. Lizzie stood behind me, moving her hands around my waist, slipping them under my t-shirt and onto my stomach, scratching her hands up and down. She rested her head on my back, planting small kisses every so often. I took another long drag and thought for a moment.

"Penny for your thoughts," she whispered.

I shook my head and before exhaling, "my whole life I have wanted nothing more than to feel loved. Dad loved me and then he died. Mum chose alcohol over me. Grandma loves me and now I have to deal with the fact she's going to forget me. I loved Emma and she took that love and manipulated it," I started, taking another drag, "no one has ever loved me as much as I loved them," I said exhaling before putting out the joint and turning around to look at Lizzie, "until you."

She smiled and placed her hand on my cheek.

"The night we met, that was supposed to be my last night ... I was going to end it that night. No more pain, no more loss. I would've been with dad," I said nodding slowly, "but then I saw your eyes. You saved me Elizabeth and you didn't even know it."

"Y/N, I- I had no idea," she said quietly.

"No one did, not even Scarlet. I um- I had a therapist after dad but I stopped going about a year ago but uh- I think I need to start going again," I said nodding my head slowly.

She nodded, "I don't think it's a bad idea Y/N."

"I feel so fucking weak I don't- fuck this sounds so stupid, but I don't want to have to go to therapy," I spoke honestly.

"It's not stupid Y/N, I go to therapy. Once a week, every week since I was 16," she said with a small smile.

"What? Why didn't I know about this?" I asked looking into her eyes.

"Probably because I didn't tell you," she laughed, "in 2011 I suffered from severe panic attacks, it got so bad that I couldn't even leave the house. It felt like I was drowning all the time and therapy was what helped me. My sisters were great but having a professional to talk to was really good for me."

I nodded and bought my lips down to meet hers, "I love you," I mumbled against her lips.

"I love you too," she replied, "come back to bed and in the morning, we can look at therapists?"