Everything Has Changed

Little hands

"Babe it's going to be fine," I whispered, placing my hand on her knee.

We had both woken up a few hours ago for our ultrasound appointment at 11. Lizzie woke by throwing up again, when I asked if she was okay, she just started hysterically crying and telling me how worried she is about the scan. She kept saying how when her mum was pregnant her scans were never good, but everything worked out okay in the end and that's what I kept trying to tell her, but she was not listening to it at all.

"You don't know that," she cried, her bottom lip quivering.

"Baby, it's going to be okay," I said again, cupping her cheek.

She nodded but looked at me with a very sad face, her cheeks red and her eyes puffy, "god my hormones are all over the place," she laughed, wiping her tears.

I chuckled and stood up, holding my hand out towards her to help her. She smiled and took my hand, placing the other on her stomach gently. Although we bought new maternity clothes, she was still living in her trusty dungarees. I found an iron-on patch in Camden market a few days ago that said 'baby on board' and she had ironed onto the front pocket of the denim. I planted a long kiss on her forehead when she stood up.

"Go clean your pretty face," I said playfully, pushing her face away from me and towards the bathroom.

She giggled and waddled off. I kissed Momo's head as he was asleep on his usual spot on the bed and grabbed mine as well as Lizzie's bag. The sonogram was a little out of the way, so we decided to make a day of it. We were going to drive to the hospital and then have a picnic in St James' Park. Lizzie and I spent all of last night making cute little sandwiches and buying scotch eggs and sausage rolls and then packing them into a woven picnic basket Jarnie gave us when we moved into the house together. I felt like a real cottage-core lesbian with my little picnic and my girlfriend in her dungarees.

"You ready?" I asked as I swung by the bathroom on my way downstairs.

She hummed and smiled at me; her eyes were still puffy but now her whole face was wet as opposed to just under her eyes. I held my hand out and pulled her into a tight hug, kissing the side of her head.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," she mumbled, looking up at me through her lashes, "let's go before I start crying again."

I giggled and held her hand as we walked down the stairs. She was right about one thing – her baby bump was already huge, and she wasn't even halfway into her pregnancy yet. She unlocked the car and passed me the aux, asking for a 'nice and chill' song to distract her on the drive to the hospital.

Met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool.
And make fun of the cowboys with the neck tattoos.
Ask you easy questions about work and school.

I'm trying to forget about it.
Feelin' like an absolute fool about it.
Wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it.
Tellin' myself I can always do without it.
Knowin' that it probably isn't true.

"I love this song," she said softly as I sang the lyrics.

I hummed in agreement, "Phoebe Bridgers is amazing."

"This is Phoebe Bridgers?" she said, turning to look at me.

I nodded with a smile, "yeah, boy genius is a collection of artists, and she is one of them."

"Huh, I like it," she smiled, humming along.

I came prepared for absolution if you'd only ask.
So, I take some offence when you say, "no regrets".
I remember it's impossible to pass your test.