If Only [COMPLETED]

Chapter XXXIX

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Becky
I walk back on my classroom sulking because I saw Seng with Freen in the library and both of them are so happy together. Like they are the only people in that confined space and Freen look so comfortable having him around.

I was even annoyed when she throw her shoes at me for being hard headed when all I wanna do is climb up on the three and piss her off the ways she did to me but she was so good in handling herself that I ended up being the one who gets frustrated. I reach for her shoes and handed it to her the moment I met the ground snatching the files from her hands before walking away.

""Thank you for this! You can go back to Seng!" I yelled before walking away without looking back at her because it'll piss me even more. I heard her yelled back but I didn't quite get what she said because I tuck my earpods on my ears and started playing some music to calm my nerves down.

I wanna punch some faces right now.

The moment I arrived at the classroom, I saw Irin and Tee talking real close in the corner so I walk over to them slumping myself beside Irin.

"Hey Bec... Why do you look like an angry rabbit?" She ask pinching my cheeks and I whisk her hand away.

"Stop it Rin!"

"Woah woah woah! What is it now?"

"Nothing! Just shut it!" I replied laying my head on her shoulders. I shut my eyes close as I thought about things so carefully.

What I have with Freen is wrong, but why do I feel like it is the most wonderful thing I have ever did in my whole life? I cannot put a finger on this thing going on between me and Freen. I cannot fathom the guilt I am feeling but at the same time I don't want Freen to be with somebody else. I know it's wrong and selfish of me... But I can't help it.

I love Non, so much that I cannot put it into words. But at the same time I also like Freen, I can't stop it. I felt safe when i'm with her. She make me feel the things Non never let me feel but that's it. I cannot have her being the filling piece of each hole Non was missing because she don't deserve to be treated that way. I can't love her in the shadow of Non. It is wrong, it's wrong but I can't help myself.

A single tear then slipped into my eyes.  A lethargic sensation took over my being but I refuse to close my eyes. I don't wanna sleep, I can't sleep. I do things out of levity. I was being selfish and unfair at the same time. I cannot let this get through everything I and Non build but at the same time I also don't wanna lose Freen.

I heave a deep sigh thinking about Freen leave-taking to me nor Non saying it to me. I can't suppress and reprimand them from doing so. At the first place it was all my fault.

I sob quitely but Irin is attentive enough to notice my silent cries.

"Hey Bec... Hey? Are you okay? Why are you crying?" She ask but I shook my head in response.

"Beckyyy! Don't be like that! I'm your bestfriend. Okay?" She took my left hand caressing it lightly calming me in her touch which helped me somehow. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head.

"Okay then... Just tell me about it if your ready okay? I'll be here." I nodded my head and buried my face on her shoulders as she patted my back.

Non suddenly pop up out of nowhere making me wipe my tears quickly but it was already too late.

"Hey... Why are you crying? Are you okay?" He ask so I just nodded.

"I'm fine." I replied in a laconic way.

"Did I do something wrong? What did I do? Tell me."

"It's not you Non." I replied and he face suddenly turned red as he took a leap backwards.