If Only [COMPLETED]

Chapter LXI

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I watch as her tears stream down her face rapidly. Her sobs becoming heavier and heavier and it's clenching my chest seeing her this sad.

"W-why Freen? Don't you love me anymore? W-why can't you take me back?" She ask.

"I-i... It's not yet the time Becky."

"Why?" She asked as pain is evident on her face. Inching closer, I wipe her tears with my bare palms as she leaned over it before crying again.

"Don't cry." I whispered. " I love you okay? God i've been dreaming for a very long time so I could say this three words to you. I am inlove with you Rebecca, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before. And don't think that I ever stopped loving you.  Because I never did, and I am never planning to. But..."

I know I may sound so complicated too right now since I badly wanted her before, and now that she wants me back i'm the one who's stepping away. But there is always a but in everything, and I also have mine.

"But we needed to heal Rebecca. We cannot just jump unto our own decisions when we ourselves are uncertain about what we feel. We cannot heal properly from our past if our answer for a broken relationship is being in another relationship again. We needed to heal Bec. We need time. We should be thinking about it wisely because we are both coming from different dimensions of love. Sure taking chances is scary. I myself is scared and I know you are too. But there is something that we should know  far more than anything, missing out on something truly wonderful because you were scared. The truth is we don’t know what will happen when we allow ourself to give each other a chance.  I spent three years working on myself and learning that yes, I am okay and complete by myself. I had to learn that I would be okay financially, emotionally and spiritually. And so same goes with you. I require more than a year to heal and you coming from a break up not even a week ago is something much more serious we should take. You needed to heal from the wounds of your past, from the guilt and from all the back flash of everything we never got a hold of. We should heal ourselves. We should and we must. I had to pour ointment on the wounds that were caused by the past and the present. I have to go through a process until I know that I am ready to chance again if the opportunity presented itself."I stopped.  Her eyes is somehow swollen and red right now from all the crying so I caress her face gently.

"I am not telling you to wait for another three years to prove that you are already healed. Instead, you should know when to say that you are healed so you can heal me too. Because if we both ended up being together right now, we are broken Bec. Let's say we complete each other's puzzle but we cannot hide the fact that we hurt each other badly causing both of us to bleed. And also, how can two broken people lift each other from the wheel of brokenness? How can we save each other if both of us are also lost in the midst of all this complicated things?" She look at me and sigh. 

"I'm scared Freen." She mumbled making me confused.

"What?"

"I'm scared.  There are a lot of people yearning to have you. And what if it takes times for me to heal? What if you change your mind? What if someone stole you away from me?"

"That's the journey we have to unravel Becky. We are uncertain about tomorrow, about what will happen, about who we will be with and who we will have at the end of the day. But we should always look at it positively, that all things won't work out if you don't find out. If we can't be together this time around, then we can't do anything about it. But if we are really for each other, then destiny will make a way for us to meet. Love will come it's way back to us. And I hope if that time happens I wish both of us are not scared, not broken, not tired and confused anymore. I wish at that time where we are already healed I hope we are already ready to fight for each other."

I pulled Rebecca in for a hug as she sobbed on my shoulders wetting my shirt from her tears.  I let her cry her heart out on me as I also cry silently on kissing her shoulders nuzzling my nose at the crook of her neck.

I kissed her cheeks to soothe her from crying and rested my lips there for a few minutes before pulling away.

"Don't cry. We must give each other spaces Bec. To evaluate and understand what went wrong on our previous relationship. What do we lack? What will we change to make it better. We should analyze and counsel out own emotions to rebuild a better foundation of relationship in the next one.  Leaning into love and connection can feel like going into battle without any armor, especially if we have been deeply hurt in the past." I paused. "When other people hurt us, it’s easy to close ourselves off from connecting with people in the future. By building steel armor around our hearts, we aim to prevent ourselves from ever getting hurt again. What tends to happen is the more harm we experience, the thicker our armor becomes. And that's where I am right now.  I am sure about my feelings for you, what I am not sure of is my own questions.  I cannot have you in when my mind keeps asking and doubting about things I shouldn't talk about. It will be unfair to you."

"We should heal. To acknowledge our emotions, and once we learn that feeling emotions, including pain, is part of the human experience, we’ll have a diverse perspective about relationships and make us be able to love, get hurt, heal, and love all over again. It will become easier to make intimate connections with people. It’s important to take the time to heal and evaluate what went wrong in our past relationships, rather than quickly jumping into something else. We need to see what part we played in the break-up, not hide away and blame others for making us feel unlovable. You’ve got to learn from the past, feel the pain of loss, and then let go."

"We should get better first Rebecca. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, then everything around us becomes better too." I rubbed her cheeks over and over again and that helped her calm down.

"I can't take you back right now. We needed space." I started. " I know you still have feelings for Non because he is your ex boyfriend. But I want you to love me as Freen, Becky. Not because I portray the shadow of someone else. Love me as Freen, never as Non."

"But how can I win you back?" She asked.

"You don't have to win me back Rebecca... Because you will always win me over and over ."  I replied pulling her for a tight embrace.

:Update for today guys. This is only a short chapter but I hope you enjoy. Good morning, good afternoon and goodnight ka for everyone around the world. Have a good rest ahead and don't forget to take care of yourselves ka. Smile a lot :)

:⁠-Petalpage