If Only [COMPLETED]

Chapter LXXXIV

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Freen

I look at Becky as her mouth hang agape. I know she is also shock to hear from me those words. But I guess we should exhale for now, relax and start all over again. I can't be the hindrance for her success, Mrs. Ratchanon is right. I am a nobody and I can't give her anything, I can't fix her because I can't even fix myself.

"Excuse me what!" Becky look at me with hurt in her eyes but I swallowed the lump in my throat as I fight the urge to cry.

"We should break up Bec... Let's exhale for a while."

"Are you crazy Freen! What do you mean break up? Exhale for a while? Fuck we've been through a lot already! Why would we give up now?" She yelled. " I won't be taking in the reason if you tell me you fell out of love when we've been together for months already! Your love can't be expiring that quick and I am not stupid to buy any excuses that you fall out of love Freen! Because I feel it! I know it! I knew it when you touch me or when you kiss me! So don't FUCKING tell me you wanna break up because of love outbreak!"

"Bec... Do you think I deserve you?" I asked.

Eversince I overheard the conversation between her and Mrs. Ratchanon back at the hospital I realize a lot of things. I can't be the world for Becky, I can't be like Non, I am not capable of being like him and i'm a miserable brat who don't have a father.

"Where is this coming from Freen?"

"Just answer me!"

"Yes!" Rebecca shout in front of my face. " Yes you do! You deserve me as much as I deserve you! You mean a lot to me, you are the world for m and without you i'd be lost! And I would never want anyone else the way I want you!"

"Stop saying flowery words to make me feel better Becky!"

"Fuck! What do you want me to say? It's all true! You deserve me Sarocha! No one else deserve me as much as you do, and even if someone better deserve me I would still force it to be you. I would still choose you because I deserve you even if you think you don't deserve me!"

"But I am not like Non. I am not that wealthy like him, I am not capable of the things he gaved you. I am broken and fragile, I need saving and withering and I need the affection that I never felt before from someone  else. I am afraid I might consume a lot of you Becky. I am afraid I might be the reason you'll be leaving all things behind for me. I don't wanna be the obstruction you will walk through along the way! I don't want to be the failure your gonna be handling! I can't be that selfish for the pursuit of my own desires and wants Becky! I can't!" I whispered and this time my tears fall off from my eyes.

"Who told you that you have to be like him? I don't want you to be like him! I didn't love you for you to walk on his shoes and be like him because I never love you for the things you can give me, for the things you are capable of! I didn't love you because of the things you have or for the symbolism you have as him! I didn't love you for him Freen! I love you despite the imperfections, despite the lacks and the missing pieces you have! Loving you means loving all of you, your imperfections , your flaws, the pores on your skin, the way you scratch or avert your eyes to the side when your shy or that silly laugh you have! I love you for being you! Not for all that you can give! I love you because you are you and you made me feel butterflies in my stomach, make me laugh, make me feel worthy of being love and makes me feel so good in loving someone. You make me the happiest that no one ever did Freen! So don't you dare break up with me! I will kill you, you jerk!"

I cried in front of Becky again. I don't care if I look like a crybaby to her but what can I do? It's all so overwhelming and I am so confused and consumed about Mrs. Ratchanon's feedback about me.