If Only [COMPLETED]

Chapter LVI

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The break up ended in good terms. Well I don't know if it is really good terms in both our each other's perspective. I already explained to Non why we can't continue to go on. I already explained my side, why I don't wanna continue our story. I already also told him about me catching feelings for someone else's not him.

After the talk, I directly went home. I already lose the interest of having fun right now. Everything is a lot for me to take in, everything is heavy. Even taking a step is harder than I thought. When I reach home, I saw Richie sitting on the couch watching jis favorite show blasting the volume at it's fullest since our parents are not around.

"Oh hey sis. I already prepared dinner, just go and dig in if your hungry." He shoot me a glance before fixing it back on the tv.

"I'm not hungry."

"What? Of course you are, you just told me this morning I needed to cook dinner so you could eat directly when you arrive home. Now why aren't you hungry anymore?" He walked his way over me but I was quick enough to stride further so he won't notice my swollen eyes.

"I just... Don't wanna eat okay?"  I tried walking away from him but he grabbed my hands spinning me around.

"What's up? Are you okay?" He asked but I still fixed my gaze on the floor. "Bec?" He held my chin so I was force to look at him and his gaze broke the moment our eyes met.

"What happened? Hey? Are you okay baby sis?" He asked but I just buried my face on his chest. The burdens I am carrying are so heavy. My heart is carrying a lot of baggage that is unfolded and unaddressed due to the fact that I am afraid to hurt someone much more than I hurt myself.

"It's over." I retorted and I saw how his gaze softened. "Me and Non is over." I cried.

Sometimes I just wanna run away from my problems, set myself free and be more careless about what would people say about me. There are a lot of options for me to run away from my problems but also problems have two options. It's either fight or flight. Fight means you stay and face a problem until it’s resolved, no matter how messy it may get. Or flight that sends you running in the opposite direction. Some people have run away from their issues for so long, that flight seems ingrained in their nature and this is the escapist mentality.

I buried my face on his chest and cry my eyes out. I cried so hard until I feel that my pain is slowly starting to go away but it never mend the scars. It was there's the pain is still inside buried deep in my heart.

"I hurt him Rich! I hurt him so bad."

"Hey... It's not your fault okay? It's not even your intention to hurt him."

"But I still hurt him."

"Bec—"

"I'm sorry..."

"For what?"

"For everything."

"Bec your scaring me, what do you mean?"

"I'm sorry for ruining what I had."

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry I am not good enough for anyone. I'm sorry for hurting Freen. I'm sorry for hurting Non. I'm so sorry."

I keep mumbling as tears continue to flow out of my eyes.

"I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry."

"Hey Bec stop apologizing okay? It's not your fault. Everything is not your fault. It's not your fault that you happened to fall inlove with someone else.

I froze as I pulled myself away from him.

"You knew?"

"Of course I did. It's obvious Becky."

"But..."

"Why didn't you try fighting for her?"

"I'm scared." I replied.

"Scared of what? Of people's judgement? Of those negative feedbacks they will throw at you? Gosh Becky stop being scared."

"It's not just that Richie! I'm scared about this! About this feelings! I'm scared of the  people's feedback and also I am scared of what our parents will say."

"But you are never scared to lose her?" He asked.  Am I?

"I don't wanna lose anybody. Especially if it's Freen."

"Then don't be a coward and do something about your feelings. It's not your fault that you fell out of love with Non and fall for someone new. It's not your fault that Freen gaved you much more comfort than Non did. It's not your choice to fall for someone new Becky." He started. "The very first question you need to ask yourself is why do we fell out of love? Why do we lose love? Why do spark expire? And why do we fall inlove with someone else? You should be able to answer this Bec. Why do we fall inlove with someone else? This is a question most people don’t have an answer for, as love is one of the strongest and deepest emotions that our mind and heart could have no control over. "

I held his shirt as my tears soak his chest. I am so broken and lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I just listened to Richie as he paused each time he give me advices.

"Sometimes, we go to extreme lengths for love and can do anything and everything for the person we love. And one of the crucial factors that makes you fall in love is compatibility. Compatibility is not about physical attraction but how you and Freen relate to each other and get along well. When you and your partner don't share the same similarities, you try to find it on someone else who shares the same values and similar interests with you, and most of your opinions match, it means you and that person are compatible and that brings you closer to each other."

"But i'm scared Richie." I replied.  " There are a lot of things that I am afraid of. I am afraid of her rejection. I am afraid of the things that I can't give her. Because how can I love her when I am also broken myself? How can I save her when I am also drowning? How can I give her my all when I don't even have my best? I am overthinking about the possible things Richie. What if she falls out if love? What if she find someone else better than me? What if she wants more that I cannot fulfill? Oh God Richie! It's terrifying! "  I replied. It's true, I am so scared of what might happen between us.

"I am scared because real love makes us feel vulnerable. A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. If I let myself fall in love means I am taking a real risk. Risking means that I am placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect me, which makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. Our core defenses are challenged. Any habits we’ve long had that allow us to feel self-focused or self-contained start to fall by the wayside. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. That's what I am scared of. I am scared, I need to find myself first and fix myself first. I am scared of losing myself in something like this." I sobbed harder. I need to make heavy decisions, wise decisions that will help me with this problems. And I am scared to unravel it along.

Richie sigh in response before he rubbing my back softly.

"You should give it a try Bec."

"I need to find myself."

"What if it's too late?"

"It's scary Rich." The moment I let out those words, he sighed as he hugged me tighter.

"I know it's scary Becky. Love is scary." He paused as he untangle me away from his grip helding my chin and wiping my tears away. "Love is a terrifying as murdering someone... But,  what if you lose Freen because of finding yourself?"