A Lover's Tale (Skyrim X Readers!)

[A/N] Explanation of my weird behavior and absence lately

Trigger warning (?)

So this doesn't explain my WHOLE absence, sometimes I have homework, school, my own time, and etc to do. But majority of it is this: depression (and of course: writer's block). Depression (and the other) sometimes leaves me not wanting to write, but not all the time it happens.
I always had depression, it gets bad in a certain phase type state, or it's just mild. In one of my grades, it was mild, now it's sorta servere or moderete.
My friend never believed me when I would tell them I have depression and stuff, because: "People with depression don't whine about their problems. They keep silent." Well, depression is different from everyone, and I have to hide my interests so much that I am likely to tell some people that I trust, care for, and want to share with. If you're not one of those people, then I'm sorry.
I have to hide most of my interests: interests in mass shooters and serial killer's and how their mind works, Slenderverse, some peopl I watch that goes over cases of criminals. I have to hide me being bisexual, and athiest, and of course, depressed.

No I won't kill myself, but I do have semi thoughts about it. I am scared of death and pain, so I won't do it. But it doesn't help with thoughts of it. No, I never had a plan, the only self harming I did was scratch myself so hard that red dots showed on my red skin. That was last year (or maybe 2 years ago). My mom never really believed my low self esteem, she doesn't get it because she's in her little world. She thinks I can just believe in myself and have high selt esteem in a flash. My mom is sorta my reason for it, and I don't know why I have depression either.

I tend to eat less (that's bad for a 70 pound 4'11 girl) and my mom tells me to eat more. The less I ate in a day was likely 2 small (or medium) meals a day. I don't have an eating disorder, just depression does that. I remember when I had depression in the mild/moderete and I didn't eat lunch during lunch hour in school. But I ate at home, and I ate dinner. I almost have to be forced to eat or my own self has to scream at me in my head to eat. I am even hungry right now, and I might eat after this. But then I basically just woke up.
I don't have the whole side of depression where I don't want to get out of bed, but it's a slight problem I had over the years where it takes me a while to fall asleep. I have the more crying at night, eating less, lose interest in certain things for a while, mild suicidal thoughts that I won't act upon thing.

The worst of it all is that, my mom doesn't/wouldn't believe it. She told me when my friend was in the hospital for overdosing on pills and self harming, she told me that: "Nothing in my life is bad and I have no use to kill myself." She brought this up randomly and made a sorta joke out of it that my dad (half way across the US that I see only 2 months in the summer) woudn't be able to pay to see me in the hospital because of his low income. She doesn't think I have to go to a therapist, and telling my school consouler I see weekly because of my mom, would be worst. She woup call my mom, my mom would talk to me and sorta persuade me in a way that I am not depressed.
With my mom as well, this may scare people, but I am into the Columbine Massacre case. No I won't do that, I am only into the case and how the two shooter's mind works. How two teens can turn to do this 3 weeks before graduation. She says that and being in Slenderverse is "supposely" making me like this, she notice my slight mood changes and me being down. Not eating and everything else. Lately I've been asking her if I can stay home from school, because it's boring and I hate school in general.

Sorry, this was super hard for me to write as I have to watch what I say because I have to hide my true self so much. To be honest, wattpad and tumblr is really my only escape from not breaking apart. I don't really have to hide myself here. I probably sound edgy and this whole story is probably cliché and all, but it's my story and I wanted to tell it. No, I won't actually kill myself and I am only self diagonse myself since my mom won't ever bring me to a doctor about this until I'm an adult (and have to do it myself). This is not all for my weird behavior (as in the .... at times), or absence. I just needed to speak out to people I can trust, because I seem like I can only talk about this to my dad. And to he honest, he's getting annoyed with my depression talk and Slenderverse and Columbine (and other cases of serial killers or mass shooters/murderers).

This is just pretty cringey, sorry.

I am so nervous to post this, but I'm going to anyway.