Missing her hurts more than everything in the world, a shot can hurt less in this situation. I haven't gotten over her death yet, i couldn't, she was my world. She was my rock and everything i needed for.
Have you ever feel like something is missing? like that emptiness on your chest can't be filled with anything? That's how I feel since Lexa died. I stopped eating for at least two weeks and i think i never was so close to death than that time. To be honest i would like to die, so i could go and find her in that place that they called paradise.
It's not that easy i think so, the commanders have a special place, as they had the A1 on their system they are meant to go there, it's a kind of city, where you can't feel any pain, that would be great, i'm sure not being able to feel emotional pain would be amazing to me.
The hardest thing is getting over to people who left, i see her in dreams, laying next to me in our bed, caressing my cheek saying everything's okay, that she won't ever leave me, but she did, she isn't here and i hate the moment i wake up and i come back to reality, where she's not by my side.
Everything after Lexa's death has been hell, Clarke is constantly fighting with the Ice Nation, we constantly get attacked because she can't bear with her stubborn ass.
"Y/N we going to talk to Roan, maybe there's a solution" There she is, demanding me again, as usual.
"No, Clarke, we ain't going anywhere, admit it you can't be Lexa! Not Bellamy! not anyone can be her! No one of your people will be like her! Get that on mind and stop trying to find solution to everything when the only shit you do is make things worse!" I spat and walked out the room, she's getting on my nerve and i don't wanna fight, i hate the fact that she thinks she can control everything, she's not her.
"Y/N! Come back here and come with us! we are going to solve this drama with Roan and we need you" Bellamy came running and saying, who does he think he is?
"What? excuse me? are you demanding me, that i have to 'Go' No Bellamy, you hear me out, first of all, you're not Lexa, so i won't going anywhere with you or Clarke or any of you, skaikru just came to ruin our polis and our people! you guys are guilty for Lexa's death! if Clarke wasn't appear in our lives we would be happy living in peace and Lexa would be alive! Now make me a favor and get the fuck away from me" I groaned and turned around to walk away again, far of these people.
Lexa and I used to visit a lake, a beautiful lake near the bridge, we loved tojust sit there and see how our legs were dangling down the bridge, it was like floating.
I walked to my room and grabbed the flame, i had it because she was my everything and everyone knows how much we meant to each other, they gave it to me and i will always protect the flame.
"Stop it! you're making me lose my reputation, i should look badass and not softy" Lexa whined and i smiled.
"You are softy, you always care for your people and protect them"
"I care about you, i protect you, if something ever happen to you i couldn't live with that" She whispered, she leaned in and stopped when our lips were about to met. "I would die if you die"
"Don't say that, you have to control the city if i die, i won't let you do some shit in case i die, you won't follow me because you have to achieve what you want and make all those dreams you have, come true" I mumbled, i looked down to her lips and she licked them.
"I can't, Y/N if you die i will go with you, everything i dreamed of its you and all i want it's living a life with you" I sighed, she caressed my cheek, softly, her thumb traveled to my lips and caressed them pulling them apart as her moved her thumb by them.
"No one is going to tear us apart" I mumbled and she closed the gap, she kissed my lips slowly and filled with love, she didn't add lust or something else to the kiss, she haven't done it rough, it's just a love kiss, that kissed that you just are there floating on a cloud nine while you're feeling the other person's lips, softly and calmly.
"I love you" She said pulling away.
"I love you too"
A tear fell down my cheek as the memory came back, i hate remembering things, it hurts me and it makes me thing i just want to be with her again.
I grabbed the flame and looked at it, it was so blue, so fragile, it was her, you can drown so deep in her blue mind like the ocean and it's fragile like she was inside. Lexa was fragile but she only shows it when she was with me, i was her weakness.
Maybe no one was guilty and i am the only guilty here.
I gulped at the thought, i never thought that in these past three weeks, now i understand everything, love is weakness and this is what happens when you fell in love and you worry for someone else.
No, no okay keep calm and stop thinking shit.
I breathe in and out and bit my lip, i grabbed the flame and put in my neck.
If they go somewhere with this, maybe i can go there too?
It started to penetrate my skin, it hurts, it burns and it was slowly killing me, i screamed in pain until i felt in the ground and everything went black.
««
I opened my eyes and felt a horrible pain in my neck, i touched it and release some tension, i rubbed my head, it hurts like i hit it with the ground.
I looked around and saw buildings everywhere, where am i? I licked my lips looking everything and walking down the streets, i felt like i know this place but i can't know where i am.
I kept walking for at least thirty minutes until i saw some stairs, i don't know where they will take me but i need to know what is this.
"Don't move" Someone said behind me, that voice i couldn't forget it, my heart raced and i turned around.
"Lexa?" I whispered, my eyes watered, her face changed, she stopped frowning and her eyes glowing, she left her weapon on the floor and ran to me hugging me, after all this time wrapping her arms around me.
"Ai hodnes, what are you doing here? how did you come here? baby tell me this can be dangerous you're not a nightblood" She repeated, i was focused on her, i caressed her face and gave her a kiss, she was surprised but kissed me back, i felt a horrible pain in my chest and pulled away falling on the floor.
"Fuck! it- gosh it hurts" I mumbled, she was worried and kneeled next to me. She grabbed my hand and my face with her other hand.
"Babe, listen to me, you need to come back, you're in danger, please please come back, it's not your time, not yet please, not like this" Lexa cried, she knows the flame on me it's killing me slowly, i'm not like her so the flame it's literally eating me, every cell on my body, it's destroying it.
"No- No Lexa, please— I- i want to stay here, with you" I said and breathe, the pain was worse, it hurts so much.
"Not like this please, don't do this to me, if you die now i won't be able to see you anymore please give me the pleasure to see you everyday even though you can't see me, please my love" I just can nod and felt like i was going from her side, her touch was less and she was disappearing.
"No, Lexa, no please don't leave me, i love you" I cried holding my stomach, it burns too, all my body burns.
"I'll be here waiting for you, i will always be with you, no matter that, I love you" That's all she said and everything went black again.
"MOM DO SOMETHING! She's gone! Please!" I heard Clarke's voice, i don't wanted to wake up but suddenly i opened my eyes breathing furiously.
"She's back!!!" I heard Abby.
Did i die? Maybe. But it was a perfect chance to see her again.
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Ahhhh hope you guys like it! i just wrote this because the idea came to my mind ☺️💚
