Please don't fall (Shawmila)

16

Camila's POV

I was done...emotionally....mentally....physically.... done with everything. I was sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the full body mirror. My vision was blurry, again. I just wanted to have one good day. Ever since our little trip to the beach I was getting more and more tired. The girls and I weren't talking. A little smile from Lauren here and there but that was all. We had a few interviews where we actually did interact but just because we had to. Afterwards it all went back to how it used to be.

Today was our last day off before the shower continued and I was kinda glad to be back on stage soon because I knew that the girls had to act normal again. But I also was sad that the time we had off didn't made me feel any better. It all got worse. Not a day passed where I didn't thought about the rape. It were two weeks tomorrow. The bruises had healed but not the bruises in my mind, the pictures and the memories were still here. And I knew they would stay forever.

I looked up at my reflection again, wiping my tears away and getting out of the bathroom. Ally was packing her clothes. They wanted to go out for dinner since it was our last evening in the hotel. Of course I had to agree to the meeting. I wanted to try and bond again with them. But I think it won't work. They don't want me...

Down at the restaurant we all sat together on a round table. Just us five girls. I was sitting in between Dinah and Lauren. Lauren to my right. We had just ordered and I think it's the first time I ordered a proper meal since we were here in New York. The girls looked at me surprised when they saw me ordering an actual meal and Lauren smiled at me kindly. Well... I'm doing first steps.

We were now back in the tour bus. The evening was quiet relaxing. We talked and laughed. The talked to me like we used to. We even watched a movie afterwards in Dinah's, Normani's and Lauren's room and slept there. Her sin the bus it was quiet but it was around 2am. We were on our way to Atlanta so we had quite a long ride. Of course I was still awake while the others were sleeping. Or at least so I thought. I got out of my bunk to sit in the back of the bus to listen to music but as soon as I opened the door I saw someone sitting there. The room was dark. The person's face was lit up by the light of the phone. I could barely recognize the person but the light hair made it kind of obvious. Dinah was a heavy sleeper so this was definitely not Dinah. Ally was sitting here in the dark. I knocked and ally looked up. "Hey" I said and turned on the light. "Hey" she slowly smiled back. I saw her making a little space for me to sit and I made my way towards her. "Why are you still up?" I asked her. "I could ask the same to you." I laughed at her answer. She's right. "I'm always up at night. But what about you?" "I can't sleep. I can't believe we're continuing the tour. It was kind of a long break." I nodded in agreement. "You ok right?" She asked after a short pause. "Yeah..." I said, my voice breaking. "You can talk to me. I'm sure the others would listen too." I didn't answer. The others wouldn't care. Well, maybe Lauren. But it seems like Normani and Dinah hate me. The only ones showing me some Love are Ally and Lauren. Ally then put her hand on my shoulder. "I know it looks like no one cares, but we do. We are all just worried." I looked up to her. "Why are you worried?" I hope Lauren didn't tell them about my Panic attacks or....the rape. "You look different Mila.... You don't look happy." She said honest. And she was right. I haven't been myself. It's been kind of hard lately. Especially since I started getting the messages. But I wasn't ready to tell anyone. "What is happening Mila?" I shrugged at her question. "I don't know." I lied. Of course I knew what was going on. She then embraced me, my head in her neck. "I don't want you to be sad." she mumbled and I sobbed. I didn't want to be sad either. "You know Mila...I am noticing how we are drifting apart, especially you.... We got together as group.... we got best friends... why aren't we acting like best friends anymore?" She questioned. I'm glad I'm not the only one who was noticing how we were drifting apart from each other. After a few minutes of just holding each other we separated again and I looked into Ally's eyes until she started to speak "I think we should talk to the others." I shook my head. No. "Ally, I don't think its necessary." She looked down. I know she was trying to help. Then she looked up again. and nodded. "Ok." was all she said before she stood up. "I'm gonna try to sleep ok? You should too. I love you Mila. Good Night." And with that she was out of the room. And I was alone, again. I was a good talk though. Since I hadn't brought my diary, just my phone and my earphones, I plugged them in and sat there thinking and listening to music for the rest of the night.

I actually got a bit of sleep. But not much. I woke up by people talking in the front. I could only hear faint whispers though. I stood up and wanted to join the girls until I heard my name being said. I stood behind the closed door. "...Mila....I think we should...." I heard Dinahs voice. "No...." Lauren? "I don't think it's ok to act like this." I heard Ally now. "But there is nothing wrong with....." I heard Normani. "What? You don't think it's wrong too....." Ally shouted a bit. I think she was speaking about their behavior towards me in the mast few weeks even though I told her not to. I could tell they were arguing because of how their voices raised."I totally stick with Normani." Lauren said. Wait... Lauren sticks with Normani? "Yeah, me too" Dinah joined in. Great. "Ok if you think so... I'm changing my mind then." Ally now said. There is going to be no progress I could tell now.

I've heard enough. Not caring if I would interrupt their conversation,I stomped out of the room to my bunk, getting my things and locking myself in the bathroom.Of course they did notice me but they kept talking. After a few minutes of just sitting on the closed toilet I made myself ready and walked back to my bunk. Yeah... I was a bit angry at the girls. But they weren't here anyways. The bus was going to stop in a few minutes so we could get breakfast so I guess they were getting ready or just sitting somewhere. I sat in my bunk not doing anything but got out as soon as the bus stopped. well not without my purse with my stuff in it.

I was the first one out and walked to the gas station to buy myself a drink and a sandwich, followed by the girls. Since it was really early no one really was there. No one was talking, except for Dinah of course. Always making some crazy puns with the foods names. I got out and walked to a little corner where no one could really see me. After making sure that no one could see me I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one. "I knew you were gonna come here." I quickly turned around to see Lauren standing there. "Give me that Camz." She pointed to the cigarette in between my fingers. I shook my head. "Camz give me this. I don't want you doing this." She now tried to take it from me but I always pushed my hand away. What was she even doing here? Wasn't she on Dinahs side earlier? "Camila." She now said sternly. I know I shouldn't be doing the so I gave up. In the same moment I wanted to give it to her, she already had it on one side. I moved my hand up against The lit up end, causing it to burn my hand. I hissed in pain. "Shit... I'm sorry!" she said, letting it fall to the ground, stomping on it with her foot and taking my hand to see the burn mark on the side of my hand. I had tears burning in my eyes because of the pain. "Don't cry. Omg I didn't want this to happen." she rambled. With my free hand I brushed away my tears. It's ok Camila. You don't need to cry. It's only a small burn mark. Nothing serious. I told myself. "I..It's ok. I know it wasn't your intention." I said. "Come here." She said and hugged me lightly. Not the hugs she would usually give. I used to feel so protected in Laurens arms but his hug wasn't as warm and protecting as usual. Something was wrong but just when I was about to ask her she talked again. "Please stop this Camila." Her saying my normal name meant that she was serious. I broke away from her hug and nodded lightly. She nodded to and waited for me to pass her. My hand was hurting a bit but it was no big deal. We all met in front of the bus, ready to continue our trip to Atlanta.
—————
Hey guys ☺️
Thank you to user01616223 for being so active😢 I love you and your comments on my story!
I just want you to know that I read all of them, even if I don't reply !
Thanky you so much❤️ I'm glad you are likimg my book☺️