Please don't fall (Shawmila)

10

Camila's POV

I walked inside my room and set my bag on my bed. Lauren instantly sat on it and looked at me waiting. I knew what she was waiting for. But I was not going to tell her everything just now. So I slowly plugged in my phone, fixing my hair and doing everything really slow. I really wanted to avoid her questions but know she is not stupid and I know she was staring at me, waiting for my answers. I was just about to go to the bathroom when Lauren stopped me.

"Camz, please....talk to me." I flinched at the nick name but her voice was quiet and worried but why? There was nothing to worry about. "About what?" I was playing dumb. "Don't play stupid with me... I'm not stupid and I know you aren't either. So just talk to me... please." I just stayed quiet, looking down.

"Why are you never talking to me? Or to one of the girls? To anyone?" I huffed. To the girls. As if they cared. "Camz...what happened to our strong friendship?" I looked her in the eyes at that question. Her green eyes were looking right into my brown ones and I could feel anger coming up in me. "You are asking me what happened to our friendship?" I started quiet but got louder as the sentence ended. My hands were trembling. "You were the one who started distancing from me jus....just like the others...!" I couldn't calm down. I was almost screaming at Lauren and not even myself could understand my sudden outburst. "You...you just le...left me...you left me....just when I- I needed you the most...I really really needed you...." and I gout quieter. But my trembling got worse. I didn't know where to look anymore. I couldn't focus . "La-Lauren....you....left me." A tear slipped out of my eye. Followed by a lot more. "I needed......you." Lauren stayed quiet the whole time. She just looked at me. I knew this was stupid. She thinks I'm stupid... but who doesn't think that? Who doesn't know that? My head was hurting so bad and I barely couldn't stand. So I quickly made my way towards the bathroom, closing the door behind me and sliding down the wall with my back on the opposite of the room and burying my head in my hands. I couldn't get another panic attack, not now, while Lauren was waiting for me, waiting for answers. But it wouldn't surprise me if she just left the room.

My whole body was trembling and sweaty. My chest hurt, it really hurt just like my head. I kept my eyes closed, as if I would just be able to take away the pain away for a second. Maybe this was all just a bad dream and when I opened my eyes again, I would be in the bus with the girls, laughing and talking. But when I slowly opened my eyes and still felt the strong pain, I realized that this was very real. My panic attack hadn't stopped. I was crying hysterically now, trembling, with my nails digging into my wrists, causing them to bleed slightly. I couldn't hold back the sobs anymore so I let the room be filled by a loud sob.

"Camila, are you ok?" the first thing I heard when I opened my eyes again. I was still crying hysterically and shaking. I didn't answer but tried standing up. Bad idea. My head started spinning and I fell onto my knees letting out another loud sob. "Camz, let me in." I kept quiet. There was no way that she could come in now. I just sat there on the ground shaking and trembling with a blurry vision, sobbing loudly. Lauren must have heard that I was sobbing louder than before and spoke again. "Let me in, please, or I'm calling Ally." No. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. It would just show how weak I was. "I'm coming in now." And then the door opened. I didnt see Laurens expression because my vision was really blurry and my head was hurting and spinning. "God, Camz, calm down please..." I felt her kneeling down besides me, putting a hand on my shoulder. When my sobs didn't stop she talked again. "Please calm down...you're scaring me." Her voice was shaky now. She rubbed my back and tried brushing away my tears but it didn't help. The kept coming back. Then she did what I needed a long time ago. She hugged me tightly. My face touching her neck and I felt myself calming down. I don't know how long we stayed in that position but it felt good and I was almost back to normal. No one talked. And I was thankful for that. Lauren slowly separated us and made me look at her. "Come on, lets clean you up and the talk ok?" I guess I couldn't say no so I just nodded. She stood up, helping me and holding me when I almost fell because of the dizziness.

We walked back to my bed when I was cleaned up and had changed into comfortable clothes. "Now talk to me camz. I can't see you like this again and anymore." I shrugged. "You know....it's actually nothing." I said, not wanting to tell her. "So you are telling me that what I just saw was 'nothing'?" she said a little louder making me flinch. "You just had a panic attack, this isn't nothing. This can be so dangerous you know." I didn't say anything. "Was this your first panic attack?" I shook my head. "No" I said unsure of what would come next. "How many did you had in the past few weeks?" I didn't really know. I had on almost every night when I was alone with my thoughts. That was one reason I didn't sleep in the past weeks. I just couldn't bring myself to calm down at some points. "Tell me Camila.... Camz." She corrected when she saw my expression. I made myself a little comfortable in my bed and started to think of how to start with the mess that is called 'My Life'.

Ok... this chapter really got to me and I can' believe it was actually me that wrote it. So be proud of me haha