Please don't fall (Shawmila)

33

WARNING. THIS CHAPTER HAS TRIGGERING  CONTENT. PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Camila's POV
For the next 30 minutes I was alone in my bunk, crying. I wasn't feeling well. I also couldn't stop crying. I had hundreds of thoughts in my head and was feeling too much. Too many feelings I couldn't deal with. Suddenly a wave of hate overcame me, which caused me to sit up in my bunk. More tears slipped out of my eyes as a sob escaped my mouth. How am i this fragile and weak? I quickly put my hand over my moth to stop the sound coming out of it. From the outside I could hear voices talking and laughing. Shawn included. I'm happy he is having fun. I couldn't be this selfish and expect him to babysit it me like a little baby, just because i was too much of a burden to everyone.

After a few more minutes i stood up, taking my bathroom stuff with me and entered the bathroom without anyone noticing. I locked the door behind me, immediately sliding down to the floor and resting my head on my knees. Why am i like this? Everything gets too much too fast. I was okay with Shawn at home and now I'm a mess on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, with my worst enemy right next to me in my bag. And i knew I wouldn't come out of here without using it.

My hands automatically reached into the bag, pulling out the all too familiar shiny thing. I pulled up my left sleeve, leaning the bade against my bare arm. I shivered a bit at the cold sensation. My left arm wasn't as bad as my right on but to anyone who hadn't seen my right arm before, this would look as if someone had tried to pull of my skin. I slid the blade easily over my arm, putting some pressure on it. Near my hand, i let the blade slide slowly through my skin, making me feel every piece of skin being cut open. I closed my eyes and clenched my mouth shut in pain. Pain. The only feeling i could feel. I couldn't remember feeling anything else in the last couple of weeks, except for some exceptions where i was laying in Shawn's arms. I couldn't remember a time where i had been completely at ease, no pain, no racing thoughts, no constant anxiety and no hate.

Realizing what i had done, again, i let the blade fall to the ground and threw my had against the door, making a loud thud. More tears escaped my eyes, making my vision blurry and my heart rate speed up. I knew what was coming but I didn't want to be trapped in this bathroom again. I couldn't. I quickly stood up, cleaning my cuts with water, which stung like hell and pulling my luckily black hoodie sleeves over my arm. I put the blade away and causally walked out. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack but tried to control it. I knew i would fail but my thoughts told me to go out and escape this room, this room which was my escape from everything.

I opened the door and walked towards the back of the bus where i knew the others would be. When i entered the room i wasn't surprised to see everyone sitting there, playing a card game. UNO. Everyone was laughing until Lauren spotted me by the door. "Hey Camz! Come join us, we're just about to start a new round!"I nodded and walked towards Shawn who had made some space for me to sit down. As i was sitting down, he examined me. He could sense that something was really wrong. My breathing was faster than usual but i managed to keep it at the same speed. I played one round with them, not really talking. When we began another round, my hands started trembling slightly. I tried to control it but failed, as i felt my breath speed up. Shawn knew what was happening, took my hand and excused us as he walked out and closed the door. As soon as we were outside, i broke down crying, pulling Shawn down with me. My knees were weak and so was my whole body. The anxiety attack kicked in, spilling all my tears. I sobbed loudly. My whole body shook and my chest was hurting really bad. Shawn hold my hands, knowing what I would do if they were free.
I cried, loud. My body was trembling so bad. I felt like I was suffocating due to the pressure on my chest. As much as I wanted to stop it, I couldn't. I felt powerless. I was still trembling and it caused my head to hurt and my vision to blur.
"Mila....please, calm down a bit. Everything is alright. I'm here. You're not alone." Shawn said with a worried tone while holding me close. Believe me Shawn. I want it to stop so bad. I felt so weak I couldn't even talk. So I closed my eyes and sunk i to his embrace. He hold me even tighter.

Shawn's POV
I was really worried for Mila. The moment she walked into the room, I knew something was wrong. I could see it in her eyes. Something was really wrong. When she started trembling at the table, I knew what was happening. Anxiety attack. Lauren had told me that she had seen Camila have a Panic attack. But I didn't know she would get anxiety attacks too. She was on my lap, trembling and sobbing. She had calmed down a bit but was still crying and shaking. What caused this? I wanted to know but I didn't know if it would trigger something if I would ask her. I tried calming her down a bit more until I noticed she was asleep. Still lightly shaking but sleeping.
I carefully lifted her up from the floor, noticing how light she was, trying not to fall due to the moving bus. I managed to stand up safely and carried her to her bunk, laying her inside and covering her with her blanket. After making sure she was comfortable and safe, I closed her curtain and went to the girls tho tell them I was staying with Camila a bit.

When I entered the room, the girls were calmly playing UNO. Unbothered. As if nothing had happened. And thats how I realized why Camila felt so.... alone..... left out. "I'm staying with Mila a bit, okay?" I said. Lauren was the first to look up and nodded. I think I saw a bit if worry in her eyes but it vanished quickly. Why aren't the caring about her? Didn't they notice that something was wrong?
I quietly left the room and walked back to Camila's bunk. I didn't want to leave her alone but I also didn't want to wake her up so I just rested my head next to hers while standing next to her bunk. I couldn't really sleep, but knowing I was next to her was enough.
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This chapter was kind of emotional 🥺
Did you ever have an anxiety/ panic attack?
If you did, you know how Mila felt in this exact moment...