Please don't fall (Shawmila)

91

Nothing has been proofread, I'm sorry.

Camila's POV

The rest of the studio session was... exhausting. They really wanted me to rush through everything... "Good, we have everything! Camila, you are done, the others please stay!" he dismissed only me again. I saw him giving the girls a look as the gave him a knowing look back... I was once again... excluded from everything. I gave a small nod, leaving the room and closing the door behind me... but not leaving directly. I stood in front of the door quietly, listening to what they were saying. "So... is the decision made?" I heard a voice of one of our managers. "Yeah" "Yes." "I think so" I heard the girls. What decision? "When are we telling her?" Normanis voice. "Within the next week. We'll see what she's going to do then. But we need her vocals so... we need everything done." They were definitely talking about me... needing my vocals? Are they going to... kick me out? Don't they want me here anymore? Why? I continued listening. "Without her it won't sound as... harmonizing. At least the vocals for the concerts. So if the decision is made, you are free for today." With that I quickly rushed to my room, tears rolling down my face. Why is everything happening to me? We once were a group... But I wasn't sure if it really was about them wanting to kick me out... I hope not... or... would it be better... no... no, I belong here.... do I?

"Mila? You up for a movie?" Shawn asked me when I opened my eyes after a nap. "Sure." I said, still tired. He got his laptop and sat down next to me. We chose a Disney movie. He new it would calm me down a little. I hadn't told him about what I had heard... but I should probably... but not now. He pulled me right into his chest, placing a kiss on my cheek and intertwining our fingers. "I love you.... you seem tense... is everything alright?" It's crazy how he can just... feel it. Just like... soulmates... he is my soulmate... "Yeah... just... stressed" I mumbled, waiting for the movie to start. "You sure?" "Yeah..." I said quietly. He already... knew enough... he cried because of me. "Okay... if you need to talk, tell me." he stroked my hair with one free hand. I had my head buried in his neck and our legs were tangled in each other, giving me warmth and comfort.

I fell asleep, like always, and when my eyes opened, it was dark, completely dark. And I was alone in bed... I was scared. I was covered in my blanket, the laptop wasn't in front of me and Shawn was... not here. I sat up, quickly turning the light on, scared. I looked around as soon as the light was on and my eyes fell to Shawns suitcase. It was still there. I let out a sigh of relieve. He could have just... left. I let myself fall back into the bed, covering my face with my hands. I was... tired? Exhausted? Stressed? I don't really know... everything at once. I thought back to the day... the studio session... the team and the girls... what they were talking about... that was definitely on my mind... they were definitely kicking me out... the have enough of my bullshit...  we start promotion by the end of next week... interviews... radio sessions... online promotion... the tickets were already sold... and I was so, so scared and nervous of doing this. It's like... I feel like it's my first time on stage... but what made it worse was... I had tons of haters... I didn't feel comfortable with the girls... I even once felt comfortable with our team... but they were kind of all... abandoning me... excluding me... I feel like I don't be- "Hey Mila, I made some dinner for us." he smiled after quietly opening the door, two plates in his hands. I smiled back, not really in the mood... I didn't want to eat. Shawn tried... he really was trying to help me... he wants me to get better... he wants it more than I want it. I took the plate, seeing a small portion of spaghetti and a bit of salad. "Thank you." I smiled lightly, taking a fork and starting to eat, so did Shawn. We talked a little, about his new songs, I told him about songs I've been writing and it kept my mind... clear for a bit. Only he could do this, take my mind off things that bother me. That's what I love about him, that and so much more. 

Right before going to bed, we got ready. We brushed out teeth and he even braided my hair lightly, he had learned it on Aaliyahs hair. I love how his winners feel in my curls, brushing them softly without hurting me. "All done, baby." he smiled proudly. I turned to the mirror, running my fingers over the braid. "Thank you, it looks great." I smiled at him, pacing a kiss on his bare chest. He tends to sleep shirtless since it makes me feel warm and protected. "Alright, time for the lotion." he then said, grabbing me by the waist and sitting me on the counter.  He extra went out and bought lotion for my scars so they would heal and fade a little better. I had on some sweatpants and a hoodie. "Can you take your sweats off?" he asked. I nodded, pulling up my sweater to expose the knot on the top of my sweats. I fiddled a bit with it until Shawn brought his hands up, opening it for me and pulling them down gently, placing them next to me on the counter. He poured some lotion on his hands, rubbing them gently down my legs, making sure to cover every scar on my legs. I had one relatively fresh cut and I winced when Shawn rubbed over it. "I'm sorry baby..." he said apologetically. "It's- it's okay..." I said quietly. He then gave me my sweats and I pulled them back on and sitting back on the counter. "Hoodie?" he asked. I nodded, taking it off exposing my bra covered chest. Before he put the lotion on his hand, he gently touched my sides, leaning forward and kissing my shoulder. Then he put lotion on his hands and rubbed it not only on my scarred arms, but also an my scarred stomach and my back gently. I could tell he was feeling every bone of my body. He slowly traced my spine which was really visible and my ribs. I was proud of the process but Shawn... wasn't... He pulled my hoodie on and put me back down on the ground. "Come on." he took my hand and led me to the bed. I laid down and Shawn did the same and just when he wanted to turn off the light, I stopped him. "Please... don't..." I said quietly. I was... scared somehow... it brought back memories of... what Matthew did a few weeks ago. "Alright baby. We'll leave it on." he smiled lightly but confused. "Thanks..." I laid down on his chest, his arms holding me but I just couldn't find comfort... or peace. Shawn noticed, sitting up and placing his huge hand on my tiny back. "Mila? You okay?" "Yeah..." I whispered... thoughts plaguing my mind. "Come, sit up. I have an idea." I sat up, resting my back on the headboard of the bed. He pullet out his guitar from under the bed and some lyrics sheets. He placed them in front of me and I read the letters 'In my blood' and it made me smile. "I finished it today." he said, looking at his guitar and strumming a few chords before finally looking up at me and started singing.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

The lyrics is beautiful... but I just can't relate to it... at least not right now...

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor... feeling nothing... feeling overwhelmed.... feeling insecure... but with nothing to ease my pain...

Just have a drink and you'll feel better
Just take her home and you'll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?

I hope it does... or else I won't be able to... to survive...

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my bloodIt isn't in my bloodI'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
Is there somebody who couldHelp me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me

 Help me... i do feel like giving up...

I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my bloodIt isn't in my bloodI need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody nowHelp me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my bloodIt isn't in my blood
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn't in my blood
I need somebody now

It isn't in my blood                                                        

I fell asleep after the song.... his voice calming me down. I only felt him place his arms around me before I completely blacked out.

-------

I love that song.

Oh and this story is slowly coming to an end.

I'm sorry for being so inactive ... I swear I am trying to write some more (I have 5 chapter pre written so no worries) but I just can't... right now it's almost 3am and I sat down to write and just started crying so I knew it's just not the right time and I had to stop again... as soon as I am doing better I will upload every day again, I swear... it's just... kinda difficult right now...