Please don't fall (Shawmila)

9

TRIGGER WARNING

Camila's POV

While everyone was starting to eat, I just sat there, looking down at my plate. Since I got the message from 'UNKNOWN' I had a guilty conscience. He...She...it told me not to eat and I know I shouldn't. I look at myself every damn night through the mirror and I can't stand it. I hate what I see and I can't understand how people like me. Maybe they're just faking it, just like my bandmates. I haven't felt love in a very long time and it was getting to me.

Ally had noticed I wasn't eating so she spoke up. "Camila, eat. Please." I looked up. They were all looking at me and it was making me uncomfortable. I slowly picked up my fork and started putting the food in my mouth, chewing it really slow. I drank my water and continued eating until I was full. I couldn't get anything in my mouth. I looked at my plate. I ate half of the food and the portion was small. They are going to make me eat more of it. But I could try not to.

I saw Lauren looking at me from the side but I ignored it, so did she and I was lucky when the waitress came to pick up our plates. She took my plate first and I saw Dinah glancing at me, she did not look happy with me, but who did anyways? We then paid and got out of the restaurant.

"So, what should we do now?" "Maybe just go to the park?" Dinah answered Laurens question. Everyone agreed and of course no one asked me if I was even up to it. But we made our way to the park.

My vibrating phone made me get it out of my bag and looking at the screen.

'UNKNOWN'(just now).... not again.

UNKNOWN: 'So, what you gonna do about all that food in your stomach? I told you to not eat it. So, time to get rid of it ;P'

I read through the text once more because I didn't really understand at first but the it hit me. I knew what the person wanted me to do... and I know I should have done it long ago. When we reached it, everyone wanted ice cream, well, everyone but me. So I decided to just go and use the bathroom instead. I needed to do some business there, without anyone knowing. And just the thought of what I was doing in a few minutes made me tremble. I was trebling, here, next to my band mates, in the middle of the park. I really need to get to the bathroom. Now. So I looked at the girls, they were all discussing something I wasn't part of so I just tapped on Laurens shoulder until she turned to me. "What?" she asked, a bit annoyed I could tell. "I'm going to use that bathroom right there ok?" "Yeah but be careful." and with that she turned back around, getting back to the conversation with the other girls.

I slowly and a bit nervous made my way to the public toilets in a small building. I entered the toilets and was relieved when I noticed that I was the only one in there. I entered a stall and locked it behind me putting my bag on the ground an slowly kneeling down in front of the toilet. My hair was in a ponytail so I didn't had to worry about it. I was trembling, really bad and my heart was pounding hard. Oh god no. Not now. I could feel the panic attack reaching my body, slowly but intense. I need to hurry up or else I'm going to break down in here. So I leaned forward, unsure of what exactly to do. I never really tried it before but I know I should have. So I lead my hand towards my mouth and put two fingers into my throat. I could feel myself starting to choke, but it wasn't enough. So I put my finger deeper in my throat and finally it happened. The content of my stomach was now in the bowl in front of me and I did it again, until nothing else came out. I felt horrible. I stood up quickly, feeling dizziness and I didn't know if it was from the cold I had or from the panic attack coming. I unlocked the stall to wash my hands an entered again quickly, sitting back down on the floor. My body was trembling, my heart beating and I could feel sweat. No, please no. I was staring to catch short breaths and my chest was beginning to hurt. My vision was blurry by now and my head was leaning against the wall. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore so I just let them fall, making my vision even more blurry than it already was. I was breathing heavy, my eyes closed now.

After my body had calmed down and the panic attack was away, I opened my eyes. I had completely lost track of time. But obviously they didn't search form me, they're not looking for me.I'm not important. I knew it.

I stood up, holding myself on the walls of the stall, picking up my bag. Just when I wanted to open the door I heard someone coming in so I kept quiet and took my hand away from the door knob I was just about to open. "Camila?" Lauren was there, looking for me. Since I'm the only one in here it won't take her long to find me. Not long after my though, I could feel her shaking the door to my stall. So I opened it, there was nothing I could do anyways. I opened it and in-front of me stood Lauren, looking at me.

"Shit, Camila, what happened?" Her expression changed to shocked and concerned. I looked past her into the mirror behind her on the wall. My hair was set ugly on my head, my eyes were red and my make up was all over my face. I just shrugged, wanting to pass her. "Don't shrug Camila. You know exactly what happened." She said, grabbing my wrists. "Please let me go." I said quiet. She let go and I started taking off my make up, revealing my dark eye bags, and fixing it again. Lauren waited for me the whole time. "We will talk later." and then she walked out. Leaving me in front of the mirror.

I joined the girls and they looked at me with questioning looks. "There were a lot of people at the toilets so I took the chance to walk around that little shopping house." I quickly said before any of them could ask. Lauren was just looking at me questioningly. I shrugged it off, looking down and walked behind the girls, I guess back to the hotel. No one talked to me, as usual but Lauren was always looking at me and it made me uncomfortable as always so I just walked head down to the hotel, until I reached our door, opening it. I expected Ally behind me but was surprised when I saw Lauren. There come the explanations and the lies I hadn't made up yet....

I hope you are liking my book so far!