Please don't fall (Shawmila)

37

Camila's POV
With Shawn next to me, i felt a bit better. The stinging from my wrists kept me awake though.
"Why did you do that?" Was Shawns question. I honestly had so many things to say. But I don't think he was ready to hear what triggered me. So I let out a simple response. "I felt like nobody cared." I didn't look up at him. "Mila." He said, putting his hand on my cheek making me look up. "I care so much. I don't know how to tell you.... I care about you so fucking much... It's crazy. How can I show you that I care?" He asked in a desperate voice. "Love me" I whispered, hoping he hadn't heard it. And luckily he didn't. He just sat there, looking at me. There was an uncomfortable silence between us until I started talking again.

"Shawn. What is your vision of a girlfriend?" That question surprised me just as much as him. "Well.... I don't really know. Hmm.... she should be kind...... and loyal....... and good to herself. She should be able to love others just as much as herself. She should be sweet and pretty.... oh Mila.... if you only knew about this one girl... you would absolutely love her." Shawn said. I slowly pushed my hand away from his, knowing he had someone in mind and that I would never get lucky. It was at this moment that I realized, that I wanted Shawn to be the one for me. But he had his mind wrapped around another girl....
A tear escaped my eye but I wiped it away quickly. "Mila... stop crying please..." Shawn said when he saw the tear i had wiped away. How am I supposed to not cry when I just realized that I'm in fact not enough for him? For the one one I want. "I- I just.... I..." but I couldn't finish my sentence. "Mila, look at me." I looked up at him. He had a small smile on his lips. Why was he smiling? I just couldn't bring myself to smile. Ho was I supposed to? He laid his hand gently on my cheek and the other one on my shoulder. He then pulled me in for a hug and I let myself fall i to his embrace. I was weak. The tears burned in my eyes as Shawn held me close to him. I tried holding back a sob. I was crying out of frustration.... frustration that I would never have him. I would be alone. The girls.... don't want me.... Matthew..... maybe. Maybe he would want me.

A few minutes passed, as he let go. I felt cold again and alone. I let myself fall back into the bed and felt the nausea immediately. I shot up and ran towards the toilet to vomit.... again. Shawn was by my side and half my hair back. Like last time.... but last time was under other circumstances. I was leaning over the toilet, emptying all the alcohol from the night. It was still pretty early. Only around 5 am. I hadn't slept one bit and was ready to fall asleep right here. But neither did Shawn. So I tried keeping myself awake so he could fall asleep peacefully.

Cleaning myself up was a bit of work since I was so tired. Shawn was getting some tea and redoing my bed. I walked out to the bed and saw the Tea on the bedside table with Shawn standing besides it. He motioned for me to lay down and gave me my cup. I didn't even have to do anything. He even pulled the blanket over me and was about to go over to his own bed, when I pulled him back. I wanted him here. If I couldn't have him for myself forever, I would use the time I had left now. I had grabbed his hand with my free one and he understood immediately. He carefully took the cup away from my hand, setting it back down onto the table and laid down next to me. "Drink a bit, it will make you feel better." He said, reaching for my cup again. I nodded, taking a few sips and putting it back down. He put his arb behind my head for me to lay down which I did. We were laying here, again, really close to each other. And I knew it was wrong, because he had another girl in mind. But for me it felt right, because I knew I wanted him. I wanted him like this, every night. Next to me. My head on his chest.

I fell into a very light sleep with a racing mind. Thoughts. Some good ones but also some bad ones. I was replaying the day in my head and was silently awake with my eyes closed. I could hear Shawns heartbeat and I could feel his hand stroking my back gently. I also heard a very quiet whisper but I unfortunately couldn't hear what he had said.....

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I'm super sorry for this short chapter! But something cute is coming.... I think
And also sorry for the lack of updates but Imm not doing too well atm ✌🏻