Please don't fall (Shawmila)

17

Camila's POV

We were all sitting together in the chill area talking. Well, they were talking and I was listening. But at least we were together. I was in my thoughts, as always. Not listening to what the girls were saying. "Camila, why is your phone shattered?" I looked up, surprised. Dinah had asked me the question. Oh god, what am I going to say. Shoot. I was not ready to tell them what happened. They were now all looking at me curios. No, no, no. "I accidentally let it fall from the table the other night when we were at the hotel." Lauren said. Such a simple excuse and I was too dumb to think of that. Great Camila. I looked at Dinah and nodded. Then I turned my head to Lauren and whispered a "thank you", she just nodded and looked back to the girls. But Dinah was still looking at me. I felt uncomfortable so I got up, took my phone and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me as always.

Looking in the mirror I felt disgusted by my own sight. I looked horrible. The dark circles under my eyes had gotten a lot darker and bigger due the lack of sleep and I looked pale. How can the girls still hang out with me? Well, they obviously have to. At least the stylists could make me look normal for shows and interviews. My phone vibrated in my hand. lifting it up, I saw a new message from no other than my best friend 'UNKNOWN'. I closed my eyes in terror. Not again. I taped on the message to read it.

UNKNOWN(just now): Great excuse you made up out there ;D. I bet the girls bought it.

I was about to put my phone in m back pocket when another message entered my phone. From the same person.

UNKNOWN (just now): I guess it's time for a little punishment, don't you think ;)

I had been punished so bad the last few weeks. I don't have any energy left. How can I take another punishment? Being raped, having almost daily panic attacks, not eating or crying myself to sleep every day isn't a punishment? Well, it is. Just thinking about everything I had to go through made me anxious again. But I should not feel bad for myself. At least I did deserve it. I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face and looked back at my phone. I guess I should answer. So I typed a simple 'Yes' with shaky hands. I sniffled quietly, making sure no one could hear me but since I heard laughing outside I was quite sure that they didn't hear me. My phone vibrated again. I read the message: "You are going to punish yourself sooner than you think ;D, just wait." What does this mean? I was still trembling. Slowly letting myself slide down to the floor, I let my phone fall. I just heard it shudder again. I would definitely have to buy a new one soon. But at the moment the only thing I should be focusing on should be my breathing. I should make sure to not get another panic attack. But I think its to late to prevent it from happening. I was shaking a lot worse than before and everything was staring to spin around me. I was sweating, my headache was reappearing and my chest grew tighter. The tears weren't there though. Almost as if I was numb, except for my headache. I blend out the laughter of the girls, the motions of the driving bus, the noise of the motor and everything. I just started against the blank brown wooden wall in front of me.

I don't know how long I had been in there. There was someone calling for me.
„Mila? You in here?" it was Ally. I sold up from the ground, took my phone an realized that I stood up a but to quick. I grabbed the counter to steady myself. I threw a quick glance at the mirror before opening the door. „Geez, what were you doing?" she asked as soon as I opened the door. „I wasn't feeling well. I'm sorry" i said, looking down. She put a reassuring hand on my shoulder before hugging me.
"So are you coming g out with us to eat? The bus is stopping in a few minutes and we thought we could grab something to eat together." she looked at me, waiting for my reply. But I just shook my head. "No thank you. I'm not that hungry." she let go of my shoulder and nodded. "Ok, well, I'm going to bring you something to eat then." I knew I couldn't deny so I just nodded, excused myself and walked past her towards my bunk. I slowly climbed inside, threw the blanket over me and started crying. I didn't even know why, it just happened. At first I cried in silence but when the bus stopped and the girls had left, I let out a loud sob. I just laid there crying for a few minutes until I heard the bus door open again. I clutched a pillow and held my mouth shut so no one could hear me. The steps approached the bunk area and suddenly my curtains were opened. I couldn't really hide my face since it was turned towards the now opened curtain. And there stood a surprised Ally who started talking but quickly stoped when she saw the tears running down my face.
"I brought yo- what happened?" she said as she put the food bag she brought me into my bunk. "Are you ok?" I quickly brushed my blanket over my face and sat up before nodding. "Are you sure? You we-" "Yes I'm sure. It's nothing, really. I just wasn't feeling good and it overwhelms me because I'm not used to being sick. But I'm ok." I said. Ally
nodded slowly before giving me a small smile and leaving my bunk again.
I let myself fall into my pillow and closed my eyes, falling into a light sleep.

A rustling in my bunk made me open my eyes. I slowly sat up and was met with Lauren who stood next to my bunk with my my paperbag of food in her hands.
"what are you doing?" i asked confused. She quickly looked at me, surprised that i had woken up. "Oh, sorry for waking you up." she apologized. "I just wanted to check if you had already eaten the food Ally brought you." She stared into my eyes and I quickly looked at my hands that were laying in my lap. I don't want her to see the hurt in my eyes. "So since I just saw that you didn't eat it I wanted to ask if you want to eat together with me." I thought about it. She would see that I wasn't eating much and tell the others. Or she will make me eat it. I just can't. But I could always just disappear into the bathroom after eating. And I don't have to eat everything if I don't make it too obvious. I looked at her chest just to not meet her eyes and nodded slightly. "Great." she smiled, made space so I could get out of my bunk and grabbed my bag with food.

We sat in the back of the bus and I watched as Lauren unwrapped her burgen and fries and began to eat. Oh god, this will make me so fat. Why did I agree. I scoffed as I looked inside of my bag. That made Lauren look up. "Start eating Camz." she said and I slowly put my hand inside of the bag and grabbed the burger and fries and placed it on top of the table. I unwrapped it as well and took the first small bite. It tasted ok. But I couldn't just waste whoever's money was spend on this. So i started eating while having a light conversation with Lauren about what we were planing on doing on our next holiday.