Please don't fall (Shawmila)

69

Camila's POV

Lauren(25 min ago): 'Hey Camila, today at 4:15 pm'

That was the message I woke up to. Great. I pressed my eyes close again, since it was only 7:25 am. Shawn was still asleep, so I decided to sleep too.

I felt the bed lift next to me but I was too tired to open my eyes. I heard rustling and then a door close but I didn't really realize it, since I was still too tired and I immediately fell back to sleep.

"Why are you here anyways? You are a fucking slut! Leaving the group to date someone?? You don't deserve to be here with us.... why did I even come up with that idea? Inviting you back to tour with us? You are a looser... everyone can see that. Even the 'Fans'. You really think you could get famous? Pff... NEVER. I'm sorry for wasting your time... I should've known what you are...." silence and tears... tons of tears on my face as she screamed at me. I was sat on the chair in the cafe. Everyone was looking at us. "You know what? Go. I now know why you tried to slit your wrists... or take too many pills at once... because you DESERVE it. I don't care and neither do they." She said, pointing back at the girls behind her. "Why don't you say something? Oh... cat got your tongue?.... Poor Camzi...." She then said, coming closer, fake pitying me. The she did something I never thought she would... She slapped me across the face. "You being raped? You deserved it! I can't believe I helped you. You are always looking for attention. You betrayed us! We were a group!" she screamed in my face, while I was holding my hurting cheek. "I hope I never hear from you again." She then said, walking out, the other girls following. I was left there.... alone in a cafe full of people. Everyone was staring at me, paparazzis were taking photos, visitors filmed the argument. I broke down right there. In front of all people. I sat my head on the table, closing my eyes, when everything suddenly went black.

I sat up, breathing heavily, sweat on my forehead and my whole body shaking. With my hand I tried grasping for Shawn but the bed was empty. No. I immediately started having a panic attack. I was alone. And I couldn't help myself. A horrible nightmare. My whole body was shaking as I curled up on the bed, laying on my side. I could spare a small look to the clock before and it said 8:38 am. I felt... broken in this moment... so, so broken... and numb. But I still felt pain. Pain in my chest, pain in my head, pain in my limbs. My shaking body didn't help at all. I closed my eyes, but it made it even worse. my head started spinning and I felt like I was going to throw up. I had a pressure in my chest that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I felt... helpless. Alone. Shawn obviously wasn't at home. He would've heard me. It made me panic even more. I started breathing very quickly and taking short breaths. I felt like I needed to throw up and the feeling got very intense so I tried sitting up, which caused my vision to get blurry. But I needed to. With all my force I pushed myself off the bed onto my feet and started walking, as fast as I could, but unfortunately I wasn't fast enough... I kneeled down, bend over the small bin which Shawn luckily had next to the doorframe, and threw up inside of it. When I only was retching, my throat started burning. Holy heck... Nothing ever felt this bad. I held the bin with both my hands as I leaned above it, scared that I might have to throw up again. My chest still felt incredibly tight and I felt dizzy, very dizzy. But I needed to clean this mess up before Shawn got home from wherever he is. So I pushed myself back up, took the bin with both my hands and grabbed it tightly, scared I might drop it and everything would spill. I quickly sat the bin down again, sitting down on the bed as my vision got black for a few seconds. My panic attack was still there. I was still breathing quickly and had pressure on my chest. But my priority was to clean this up before Shawn got home. He should not see me like this. Then I walked back towards the bin, picked it up, out some shoes on and with a full panic attack walked outside to throw the plastic bag of the bin away. I was walking through the halls of the building, my legs shaking, my vision getting blurry, my breath hitching but still. When I finally found the room ,I made sure that no one was inside, quickly disposed the bag and made my way back towards Shawns condo. I pulled the key out of my hoodie and tried to get the key inside of the keyhole but failed miserably as my hand was shaking so bad. I had the bin in my hand but dropped it, due to my shaking body. I just couldn't get the key inside of the hole and started shaking even more because of it. 'Shit' was my thought when I just couldn't put the key in. I gave up and sat next to the door against the wall, pulling my knees up to my chest, trying to finally get rid of the panic attack. But nothing helped. Nothing. I even tried concentrating on colors, humming a song, counting but nothing helped. So I just kept shaking and taking short breaths. And suddenly I heard the elevator door open and quickly tried standing up again. I held myself against the wall but just couldn't stand properly so I slumped down again. My eyes were closed and I was concentrated on my breathing again so I didn't hear the steps coming closer until I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Mila? What are you doing?" I heard Shawns voice. He immediately felt my body shaking and my short breaths and immediately understood, quickly opening the door carrying me in his arms into the bedroom and setting me down on the bed. "Calm down... calm down Mila... baby...." he whispered, as he sat down on the bed next to me. But then he stood back up, walking out of the room but coming back in a few seconds later with a cup of water. "Here." He said, holding my head up and holding the glass up to my mouth so I could drink since I was too weak. I took a sip and let myself fall back down onto the pillow. Shawn put the glass down and pulled me close to him. I could feel that he was sweaty so I figured that he had been at the fitness studio. Against his chest I felt secure, which caused me to finally calm down a bit and close my eyes, falling into a light and uneasy sleep

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This was... intense.

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