Please don't fall (Shawmila)

97

Camila's POV

I felt Shawns steady breath against my neck and I knew he had fallen asleep. It was pretty late and I had another interview tomorrow... another TV interview... I didn't move, since he was still spooning me from behind, his hands loosely wrapped around my body.

I spent a lot of time thinking... thinking about... my papa... my mama... my sister... how were they doing? How long did they know? How bad was it? I was so selfish on the phone... oh my god...how could I? My whole family is probably hurting and I acted like that... Like I am the only one... hurting... even though I wasn't feeling anything in that moment. I couldn't let out tears... nothing... I was simply numb.

I tried falling asleep, I really did... but as soon as I closed my eyes, a nightmare entered my head and I woke up again. So I decided to stay awake the rest of the night. I laid on my side, my eyes open... everything was just simply... wrong. The group? ... Leaving? Should I? Could I continue alone? As a solo artist? Shawn would help me, right? I definitely need to talk this through with him.... if I leave... which I ... want, definitely. It's not giving me anything staying here. Before the tour starts? During the tour? Tour starts in 4 days... could I make a decision that fast? Could I plan everything in that time? I need to try.... I don't want this anymore...

My family... breaking apart... because of my dad being sick... I don't even want to know how my mom and sister cried when they found out... why cant I cry? I want to but I just... can't... I can't feel anything.... My mind was racing with thoughts and I knew the one thing that would be able to calm my mind. A cigarette. But how? I tried getting out of his grasp, gently wiggling myself out of his arms. "Mila..... where are you going...." He mumbled, still half asleep. "I'm just going to the toilet babe... I'll be back...." I whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead which made him fall asleep again. I hate lying to him... but I can't risk him finding out about this. I walked to the bathroom and stayed there for a minute before, very quietly, opening the door to my room and walking over to my purse. I took out the cigarettes and the lighter and slowly made my way to the small balcony. I pushed the curtains aside which we had closed during the night, opened the door, stepped outside and closed the door and the curtains behind me. I sat down on the floor, my head leaning back and the lighter and cigarettes in each hand, laying limp next to me on the cold floor. I had on Shawns hoodie and some sweats so I wasn't too cold right now. But I knew that even if I was... I couldn't care less. I took a cigarette out of the pack, being that I only had two more left. I would go and buy some before the interview. I lit the end and took it between my lips and took a long breath of the smoke, letting it once again destroy my lungs. I closed my eyes, feeling the tension finally lessen a bit. then I stared right in front of me, seeing the illuminated but empty streets. This was calming. I knew what would make my numbness go away... but I couldn't. He is checking every part of my body everyday.... so I'll just stick to the burning stick of death. Hoping it will give me what I deserve sooner or later.

When I had finished my first cigarette I wanted to pull out the next one. "No... Camila. No!" I let the lighter and the box of cigarettes fall down to the floor next to me, not daring to look up. Shawn. I closed my eyes, hoping I was just having a nightmare.... but when I looked over to the doorframe I could see a very real Shawn with an angry expression, observing my every move. "I-I" "Nonono I can't believe this... Camila... " He took a step closer, taking the things I had picked up, out of my hands, waiting for any reaction. Would it come? I mean, I was still feeling... numb. "Camila... explain this... please..." his voice was trembling. I didn't look up... I couldn't. I was once again causing him pain. When he kneeled down in front of me and placed his hands on my knees, his expression... serious but also concerned... it was then when I broke. The first tear escaped my left eye. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, letting the tears run down my face. I started crying... finally letting all my emotions out. "Mila..." Shawns expression softened and his voice only showed worry. He sat down next to me, pulling me into him. I was... bawling into his chest. I hate being so... weak. He placed his hand on my back, holding me. Right in this moment, I felt the weight of everything fall onto me. My own problems, my dads sickness, my family hurting, me hurting Shawn, me disappointing the group and the fans... everything... "Baby... I'm sorry.... I - I shouldn't have... I am not angry Mila... I swear... I a m worried..." he said quietly. "I... I know... I sh- should be s-sorry" I sobbed quietly into his chest. "It's j-just all too m-much right now..." I finally admitted. "It's alright baby...." he whispered, placing a kiss on my neck.

I fell into a light sleep and woke up when Shawn was bringing me back to bed. "Sleep baby..." he said softly, stroking my cheek and placing me into the bed. I nodded and let my head fall into the pillow, falling back to sleep.

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A little shorter but it's almost the end.