Please don't fall (Shawmila)

57

Camila's POV

The next morning, I woke up, feeling anxious. Shawn was still sleeping with his arms wrapped around me. It didn't ease my anxiety though. I felt my chest tighten by the second and knew that I needed to get out of his embrace. It was making me feel... trapped. I slowly removed myself from his embrace and tiredly and exhausted walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I know I shouldn't be locking the door but really didn't want Shawn to enter right now. I looked at the mirror and wasn't able to see clearly. I had also a headache and my chest felt even tighter than before. I let myself slide down the wall and pulled my knees up to my body. I was so scared of going to the doctor, too scared. I didn't want to know my weight. I really dint want to know how much weight I had gained, how much of a fat pig I was again. Chubby, fat, worthless, die... A loud sob escaped my lips which I wasn't able to hold in. Why? I thought It was getting better, obviously not. I slapped my head back onto the wall, causing the pain in my head to get more intense. The thing people were saying online... were true. Like I always said. 

I stood up, slowly not to fall over again. I wasn't able to see clearly but somehow managed to grab my bag which had my bathroom stuff. I picked out my razor, since my blades had been thrown away. I had a razor where I wasn't able to take out the blades... safety percussions. I knew my arms were still be checked every day so I couldn't do anting on there. But my stomach, my thighs. I had plenty of other options. I rolled up my hoodie and sat the razor on a new spot. I grabbed my stomach, which in my eyes was only fat. It made me angry that all I could see was fat so I forcefully slid it across my belly fat. It made four pretty deep cuts, since my razor had four blades. The blood quickly run down my belly and dripped onto my leggings. Great. I quickly put the razor back in my bag. I still felt super lightheaded. So I hurried in cleaning everything up and sat back down. My anxiety was still at its highest and I was close to getting that anxiety attack which had been plaguing me since I woke up. And as soon as I looked up, my breathing got very quick and tears started escaping my eyes. I leaned my head back and just let the anxiety attack hit me as I sat on the floor, helpless. I closed my eyes, to maybe make this pass faster. But it made everything worse. As soon as I closed my eyes, I was back in that alley. The man was approaching me. Ready to rape me. It were flashbacks... again... but they passed in quick flashes. He was opening my pants. Then He was touching me everywhere. And in the next moment he was throwing me against the wall and walking away, leaving me there... broken and alone. The flashback caused my sobs to be much louder. I dug my nails into my palms, causing them to bleed but I didn't notice. I pressed my eyes close, hoping to forget all of this. But I didn't. Only when I heard a knock on the door, my eyes shot open again. But I couldn't really see. My sight was blurry due to the tears. "Mila!" I heard shouting from outside. Shawn. No... he can't see me like this. He would have so many questions. "Open the door.. Please!" Ho was knocking forcefully on the door. I wasn't sure of what to do now. I knew I needed someone to talk to right now but I wasn't sure how Shawn would react. But I wanted to trust Shawn.... and he said he would be by my side... for a very long time.... So I reached for the door handle, since I couldn't stand up, and unlocked the door, before letting myself fall back to the ground. "Oh Mila... no." I heard him gasp, as he quickly kneeled down by my side. I let myself fall against him as he hols me, until his hand reached my lower back. It wasn't anything bad... but it caused a new flashback of that night, so I pushed him away and buried my head in my knees again, whimpering because go the new images I had. "Mila... what is happening?" He came closer again, trying to touch my hand but I pulled it away again. I could hear Shawn mumble confused, before standing up and leaving the bathroom again. Great. He left me.... Was my last thought, before I dug my nails back into my palm.

Shawn's POV 

Seeing Mila like that, again, really scared me. I had seen her like that once... but it wasn't that bad. She had never pushed me away like that or pulled her hand away. I was more worried than I've ever been about her. She looked.... like she was relieving something traumatic... 

When I left the bathroom, it wasn't because I was leaving her there alone, but because I had seen her palms. They were bleeding.... so I needed to get bandages to clean them up. I hurriedly rushed to the living room, where I had that stuff, opened the bag and took out what I needed to clean her palms. It was making me so sad, seeing her doing that to herself... it wasn't cutting, but she was still hurting herself in another way.

 I walked back to the bathroom, seeing her still on the floor. I kneeled down, before speaking softly. "Mila... can I touch you?" She didn't say anything. I wasn't risking her pulling away again so I asked instead. "It's me Mila, Shawn... Please. I am not going to hurt you, I promise." I slowly lifted my hand up to touch hers softly and when she didn't pull away, I grabbed it firmly, making sure, she knew I wouldn't hurt her.  I turned her palm up, so I could see the damage she had done. It wasn't bad but it were a lot of small cuts she had done with her nails. I cleaned up her palm and bandaged it before doing it with the other hand. She had calmed down a bit but was still sobbing and shaken up. When I was done, I just leaned my back on the wall next to her before asking to touch her again. She nodded and I pulled her in for a hug. She didn't move but I felt her relaxing in my embrace. We just stayed like that for a minute and when I was sure she was calm again, I kissed her had and asked for her permission to stand up. We stood up together and I lead her back to the bed. We hadn't really talked but I made sure to show her by actions how much she meant to me. She deserves to know that. I am here for her. 

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you really thought the drama was over? Just wait...

OH MY GOD!!! YOU GUYS ARE INSANE! MY BOOK IS ON 2ND PLACE RIGHT NOW UNDER THE TAG SHAWILA!!! THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! I JUST SAW THIS AND NOW I'M REALLY CRYING OUT OF HAPPINESS.... THANK YOU SO MUCH