Please don't fall (Shawmila)

21

Lauren's POV

I sat down next to Ally who put an arm around me. I was really upset so I started sniffling slightly. A few tears even escaped my eyes.

"Hey, it's okay Laur. This is not your fault." Dinah said to me as she saw my tear. "I know... it's just.... I don't know... she just seems to be in a dark place right now and I feel so bad for her... and I know there is nothing I can do..." Ally rubbed my back comfortingly while I spoke. "But there is something you can do. Just be there for her. Don't leave her now. Make sure she's ok. Give her comfort." Ally said. And I knew that. It's all I was doing and everything I have been doing for the past weeks.... but she still is sad...

Camila's POV

I heard Laurens words... and she is upset and sad because of me. I don't want her to be.... I have to make sure she is happy again. And there is only one way to make her happy. Being happy myself, or at least.... pretending to be. So that's what I was going to do. I just have to convince Lauren... well all of them, that I am happy again or at least better. And that means that I wasn't allowed to show any emotions in front of them, no sad emotions. Maybe then they won't be so concerned all the time or checking on me like I'm a little baby. But I had to do one more thing before I could start being happy....well... pretending to be and it hat been in my mind since the incident on stage earlier. It was the first thing that came to my mind.

So I quietly entered the small bathroom in the bus and grabbed my small make up bag to get the one item out of it. But not before checking if the door was locked. I could't risk anything, not now when I was going to pretend.

I rolled up my left sleeve and held the shining item in my right hand. I slowly set it on my forearm and pressed not so lightly on the blade. It left a deeper red mark on my arm but I wasn't satisfied. I needed more. And thats when the words from earlier from the concert started to enter my mind. So I did a cut for every bad word or hate against me that I received... not only today but the other few days.

And so I ended up with both of my arms covered in cuts. Deep cuts. And the blood was dripping onto my jeans and onto the ground since I was kneeling on the ground. It took a moment to realize what I had done and as soon as I had taken in the sight of what I've done, I started panicking. My breathing got heavier, my head started spinning and it got hard to breathe. So I leaned my had back in hopes to ease the headache and not have a panic attack. But it was too late. So I just sat there, in hopes it would just go away.

And it worked. But it took me almost forty-five minutes. Now I was calmed down but still crying but I knew I had to clean the mess I had made. I took a wet towel to clean the blood from the ground and from my hands. I was lucky to have black pants on so you couldn't really see any blood on my thighs. I put some thick layers of bandages around my arms to cover up all of my cuts and casually walked out of the bathroom. Only to find all of the lights off and the girls in their bunks. Probably asleep. So I just went to mine to sleep too but was surprised when it wasn't empty. Lauren sat in there. "Hey" She said, slightly smiling at me. "Hi." I said and also gave her a small smile. "What are you doing in my bunk?" I asked her. "I was wondering if you needed some comfort again. Since I left earlier to get something to eat." I knew she didn't get anything to eat but just shrugged it off. I nodded and climbed in next to her but not before hurriedly changing into some sweats and throwing my dirty pants into my suitcase in the bunk next to mine. I landed my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes until she started talking again. "So, what are your plans for tomorrow...or better....later, since it's already like 2 AM." Oh I forgot we had a day off tomorrow again... a perfect day to show them that I was doing great. "Well I was thinking about maybe doing something together with you and the others." "Yeah, sounds good. Let's make plans tomorrow. You sound pretty tired." "I'm not..." I said and as if on queue, a small yawn escaped my lips. "Yeah.. tell that someone else." Lauren said smiling and pulled the covers over both of us. So I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

And my eyes opened again. 6:24 AM... great. I looked around and saw Lauren laying next to me, snuggled up in my covers. I didn't have any covers anymore since Lauren had took it all in her sleep but that was ok. I then noticed that my sleeves were rolled up and you could see my bandages which had blood stains on them, since the cuts were pretty deep. I pushed the sleeves down and laid back. Today was our day off. I have to pretend or else they won't trust me.

Later that day we were sitting in a cab on our way to a shopping center. We decided to just walk around and look at some stores. It was currently 2 PM so the first thing we were going to do is getting something to eat. And there starts my anxiety.... food. But I can't show them. So I will just be quiet.

We were now entering an Italian restaurant since everyone had agreed on it and sat in the very back of it just so no one would be able to see us by walking by. I sat next to Dinah and Ally and in front of me sat Lauren with Normani next to her. We were all looking into the menu, ready to tell the waitress our order. I was going with a simple water and some Spagetti Carbonara, not wanting to make it too obvious. I mean, I could always just throw up. I just wasn't allowing myself to get another meal this big today.

After Lunch we went shopping. I did throw up after eating and no one had noticed. Not even Lauren who had recently talked to me about it. The day went by pretty good and I think I also did a good job. We even did some pictures with some fans and then walked back to our bus to drive to the next location. We got comfortable in the bus and started to drive.

I of course went directly to my bunk and searched for my notebook. I definitely needed to write some things down.
So I grabbed it, along with my headphones and sat in my bunk to write. And this time i didn't spill any tears. No. I didn't want to seem weak again. On a day where everything had gone alright.  I'm not always weak.

When I stopped writing it was around 11 PM and the bus was quiet. I got out of my bunk and walked to the back part once again. This time, all I brought was my phone and headphones.
It was actually a pretty good time to listen to music and get my mind of things.  I put on my chill playlist and was feeling kinda chilly. Thats until the song 'A little too much' by  my best friend Shawn Mendes came on and I realized how much I missed him. That song actually made me sad. I felt this song. It was about seeming OK to other people but being hurt on the inside and when being by yourself. Sometimes it just gets a little too much....
and I suddenly felt sad again. Well not exactly again... just... I felt the sadness stronger than the rest of the day.
Tears welled up in my eyes. But I didn't have a breakdown. Not this time.

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Good morning my friends!

It's 10 am where I live and I felt the need to update since I will have a lot of time to write today :)