Please don't fall (Shawmila)

27

Camila's POV
Two weeks had passed.
Shawn left 1 week ago. I had my date with Matthew... It was pretty weird, he made way too big steps and wanted to kiss me right away. After that I decided I gave him some space. Since then, I've been alone in my room at my parents house. They were barely at home and Sofi was always at school, so practically I was alone. I fell into a hole of depression since Shawn left. I barely ate, never really left the house and unfortunately cut almost every night since I couldn't sleep because of nightmares.
Yesterday I got a call from management telling me that we would continue touring next week. I was really anxious. I had completely shut down my social media and none of the girls had called me. Shawn sometimes texted me but he was busy since he was preparing new music. I understood. I also understood why none of the girls had checked on me. Why should they? I'm an adult.
I had written some songs for myself. They are pretty dark since I'm in a dark place at the moment....
The texts from the unknown number had stopped, which I was glad about.

It was currently 3:28 am. I was wide awake after another nightmare or better, flashback about that night. I was barely holding on. I know sometime I would drop it all. Leave. But not now. Maybe it will get better.

I was deep in thoughts when my phone buzzed. A text message. I turned the screen to my face and saw the contact. 'Shawn M.'

Shawn M.(just now): Hey Mila, are you awake again? I know it's pretty late where you are but I just wanted to check.

He is so kind... and of course I responded.

Me: Hey Shawn, yeah I'm awake... again... :/ Thank you for checking. I'm fine though. Good Night, go to sleep.

And with that I turned off my phone and made my way to my bathroom. Without really paying attention I automatically grabbed the blade I had hidden underneath my sink, pulled my sleeves up and searched for a spot. Almost every spot on my arm was covered in cuts. Some deep ones and some light scratches. When I had found a clean spot, I pressed the blade forcefully into my skin until I felt something.
In no time, blood was gushing out of the cut and I covered it with a bandage after slowly cleaning it. I pushed the sleeve back down, looked in the mirror at my face and left for my bed.

---

I opened my eyes, not knowing what time it was. I looked at the clock on my wall and saw it was 1pm. Well.... no one woke me up.... but it's probably because I had locked my bedroom door. No one needs to see this mess. Not only was my room a huge mess, but also myself. I looked horrible. How was I supposed to go back on tour in 6 Days? I wouldn't even be able to find proper clothes to wear in this mess. Everything was laying around on the floor.

I tiredly got up from the bed when I heard a faint knock on the door and my moms voice. „Mija, you have a visitor." I walked to my door and opened it a bit to reveal my mom and.... Shawn. I immediately opened my door and led him inside my room.
"Oh my god mila... whats going on in here?" he asked surprised and shocked. I knew my room was a mess. I just shrugged, pushed some things off my bed and let him sit down.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had to go home?" i asked confused since he just left one week ago.  "I needed to check on you. Your mom called me, telling she was really worried." I nodded. "Are you ok? And tell me the truth because to be honest you don't really look ok Mila.... I care for you." I guess how I looked gave it away. And as if on queue, a tear escaped my eye. He embraced me tightly, rubbing my back. "Please tell me whats going on.... the truth. I know what you told me last week wasn't the whole truth. Your room is a mess, you don't look too good and it looks like you haven't left the house since that day with me. You don't look healthy either. When your mom called me, telling me you are shutting yourself out, I needed to see you."
I was speechless. He is honestly such a good friend and I.... I'm a burden to everyone... he had to fly out here to see me because he was worried.

He gently took my hands in his and rubbed them. Unfortunately I didn't notice that my sleeve had rolled a bit up and was exposing a bit of my wrist, which had cuts on in until Shawn gasped and let go of my hands. When I noticed why he gasped, it was too late. He had rolled up both of my sleeves, exposing million of cuts, some smaller and some bigger and deeper ones.

"Camila... what....when...why... oh my god, no...." he stuttered as I pulled away my hands. I could tell he was angry and disappointed. I didn't dare to look up but he put his hand under my chin which caused me to look up anyways. I looked into teary eyes but I knew I looked the same. Of course I was shaking, like always. Now-days the smallest things caused me panic attacks and this one was creeping up on me pretty quickly.

He let go of my chin and my head dropped down again. My shaking of course got bad. I wanted to stand up and go to the bathroom since he didn't need to see me having a panic attack but failed miserably when I tried to stand up and my legs gave up. I dropped to my knees and held my chest, which was hurting because of the panic attack. I was bending down to the floor and breathing heavily. Shawn saw this and immediately came down next to me and held me in his arms. He gently rocked me back and forth, stroking my back while whispering that everything was going to be ok.

I eventually calmed down and pushed myself away from Shawn, still not daring to look at him. "Mila" he said softly. I kept quiet. "Mila... I'm not mad.... not at you." How is he not mad at me? "Who are you mad at then?" I whispered. "Myself." He answered without hesitation. "Why? Why are you mad at yourself? You didn't do anything wrong." There was a short pause. Then he looked up at me, grabbing my hands again. "Mila... I feel....I feel like I failed as a friend. I didn't notice you were hurting so bad that you had the need to hurt yourself. I wasn't there for you, no one was." This wasn't his fault at all. "Shawn... No one noticed... and its no ones fault. It's mine. I keep hiding and pushing everyone away. This is no ones fault but mine." "Why are you pushing us all away Mila? You are so important to all of us. We love you, the girls, I , your parents, the fans.... so many people need you in their life.... I don't know what I would do without you." It didn't feel like it though. I felt completely lost and alone in this world. Like I was battling a war alone and no one was noticing. I don't know if I was relieved that he knew I was hurting or scared. what if he turns against me some day.... what if he forgets about me?
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A pretty deep chapter today... sorry!
Imm sorry for not updating regularly but I have sooo much dance practice to do since I'm going on some competitions soon and I'm soooo exited!
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