Ask BAM ~A wattpad advice column~

Family problem (1)

Dear BAM,

I come to you with to problems (please bare with me, as it is a long story). I never imagined writing about my personal life to a complete stranger. Or talking about it with my best friend. I'm really not one to share information like this. It's been bad, lately. I feel like I've been falling further and further into a pitch black hole, and I can't tell which way is up or down and I'm forgetting how to breathe and my heart is pounding and my stomach is dropping and it's just too much.

I'm sure you're confused, but I suppose I'm supposed to enlighten you. I did come asking for your help, anyways. (I will warn you right now) that what I am about to admit is slightly disturbing and depressing. If you are to completely understand my situation, I will have to explain everything.

My father wasn't a good person to my mother. I knew that they had gotten into fights (as a 5 year old me tended to try and stop them), and I also knew that when my father got angry you didn't want to be around him. Later on, I discovered he was an alcoholic and had hit my mother on multiple occasions. Please don't let this make you think he is a terrible person, because he isn't. He was a wonderful father to me- I loved him with all my heart. He was my Daddy. Of course, mother took me and we moved to a different state to live with my grandma. I didn't see him as often. He didn't call much, and when he did it was mostly lies. My mother and older sister kept bad mouthing him in front of me. Finally, after him not calling me for 3 years, they had convinced me to break off all ties with him.

His family had disowned him before. His wife left him. Then his daughter deserted him. I don't know if he's alive. I don't know if he's okay. I keep a picture of him under my pillow, because I know if I call I will be disappointing my mother and sister. How am I supposed to get through this? He is my dad. I don't even know what he'd say if I tried contacting him. Please do help me.

Now my second problem is slightly more depressing. After leaving my father, my mother dated a few guys until she finally met a man (I'll call him Bob). My mother told me Bob was my father, and I were to call him 'Dad'. My mom had a thing for jerks. She still does. He always insulted my mother and I, we were almost never complimented. When mom wasn't around, Bob got a lot worse. My mother didn't believe in spanking children, but Bob did. So mother had to. After the spankings, came the flicks to the head. If I said something he didn't like, he would flick me in the head very hard. Eventually, he began grabbing me by the throat. Leaning me over the bathtub, against the wall, grabbing me by the hair- you get the gist, you don't need the details. Long story short, after my sister and I confronted my mother while Bob was at work, we moved away, mother found a nice guy, blah blah blah.

I can't cry about him anymore. I feel... numb(?) about it. I don't know what to do with myself, or what to think. What do I think of my mother? I still have to see him because he is the father of my younger brother (who I watch all the time). What's wrong with me?

- ConfusedAndHurt

__________

Dear ConfusedAndHurt,

Firstly there is nothing wrong with you. If you have gotten through all that I have one thing to say to you and that is that you are STRONG. Your dad is his own person and if he hasn't called then he has his reasons. But it seems to me like you have forgiven him? How do you get through it? Well Hun.. You forgive and you let go.. You keep moving forward because that's all you can do. Focus on the family you do have. Sometimes.. Just sometimes something's are better off being left alone then dug back into. But I will say this, if you want to know if he's okay then check up on him when your ready but only when your ready.

Secondly you need to have a talk with your mom and tell her which guys you think is best for her because as a daughter your supposed to look out for her as much as she's supposed to look out for you. We all are human and we all have mistakes and just remember that your mom is just affected as you are and her being in such abusive relationships probably will carry her to more relationships like it because that's all she's known.. So love your mom and protect her. So that way you can also protect yourself.

I hope everything gets better for you love. Please, if you need to talk more then I am here to listen.

Love BAM <3