Have you ever heard of someone who is afraid of sex?
Yes, they exist. And one of them is my wife.
We've been married for two years and yet, I can't even touch her. Sa tuwing lumalapit ako sa kan'ya, nanginginig ito at kaagad na lumalayo sa akin. Sa tuwing tatangkain kong hawakan at yakapin siya, nagsisisigaw ito at umiiyak.
Imagine, going home every night after a long and tiring day of work, walang asawang naghihintay sa'yo. Mahimbing na itong natutulog sa kabilang kwarto, nakakandado para hindi ka makapasok.
It hurts me seeing her like that. Seeing her scared of my touch, my hugs, my kisses, seeing her scared of me.
Sinubukan ko siyang pinatingnan sa doktor noon para matulungan siya. We found out that she has a Genophobia, a physical or psychological fear of sexual intercourse.
Noong una, napaniwala niya rin ako. But I found out that my wife is such an actress and a great pretender.
She wasn't afraid of another man's touch. She wasn't afraid of another man's hugs and kisses. Pinanood ko siya. Pinanood ko siya nang hindi niya alam.
She lets my cousin, Mark holds her hand. She lets her friend, Joey hugs her. She lets another friend of her kissed her cheeks. But not her husband.
I wasn't her first love, her true love or even her great love. I'm fully aware of that. I just forced her to marry me and brought her in misery. I know, it's all my fault but I just love her so much. Masama ba 'yon?
She has a long time boyfriend when I met her. Her family disliked him and forced her to marry me.
I still remember seeing her crying while walking on the aisle. Kung gaano siya tulala habang nagsasalita ang pari at kung gaano siya nahirapang bigkasin ang 'I do'. The memory is still vivid.
For two years of marriage, I did everything to make her falling in love with me. I made sure that I became the best husband I can be. I gave her everything she wants. I gave her the love she deserved.
Akala ko kasi mamahalin niya rin ako kapag ginawa ko 'yon. But I was wrong. Maybe, she's still in love with him. She's still in love with another man.
Akala ko, iyon na ang pinakamasakit. Not until one night, she killed me.
Gabi ng Lunes, nagpaalam ako sa kan'ya na baka hindi ako makauwi. Malakas kasi ang ulan noon at may bagyo. Nasa trabaho pa kasi ako nang bumuhos ang malakas ng ulan. Tiyak na stranded lang ang aabutin ko kung magpupumilit akong umuwi. Balak ko na sanang dito na lang sa opisina magpalipas ng gabi, kung hindi lang sana kumulog ng malakas.
Takot siya sa kulog. Sa isip, naririnig ko ang mga sigaw nito habang naghahanap ng mapagtataguan. Dahil doon, walang alinlangan kong sinuong ang malakas na ulan kahit pa anong pigil sa akin ng mga kasamahan na huwag ng tumuloy. Pero walang-wala ang bagyong ito kung ang asawa ko na ang pag-uusapan.
Nadatnan kong madilim ang buong bahay. Malakas pa rin ang ulan at panay pa ang kulog. Kaagad akong dumiretso sa kwarto nito para tingnan kung ayos lang siya. Pero higit pa pala sa ayos ang kalagayan niya.
Mula sa ilaw na nanggaling sa posteng nasa labas, I saw my wife fucking another man. Sumasabay pa sa kulog ang mga halinghing nito, senyales na nagugustuhan nito ang nangyayari.
Hinayaan ko lang siya hanggang sa matapos sila tsaka ko binuksan ang ilaw. Nakita ko ang pamumutla ng mukha ng asawa ko at ng kalaguyo nito. O baka mas tamang sabihin na 'ng totoong mahal nito.'
Walang imik na umalis ang lalaki at naiwan kaming dalawa sa kwarto. That night, unexpectedly, she hugged me. I should push her but I didn't. I hugged her back.
Simula noon, nakita ko ang pagbabago sa kan'ya. Siya na ang kusang lumalapit sa akin. Siya na ang kusang yumayakap at humahalik sa akin. Higit pa roon, she let me made love to her.
Then I found out her reason.
She promised herself to give her first to the man she really loves and that man wasn't me.
And to give her second, third, fourth, fifth until her countless times to the man who will still accept her even he wasn't her first and that man was me.
