Eternally His (Dazai Osamu x Reader)

Everyone Has Secrets

Your P.O.V.
I was with B/f in town when I remembered something, "hey what's today's date again?"

"April 1st?"

My eyes widened, "Niko!"

"Nikolai? What about him?"

"Today's his birthday!" I ran ahead of him, "sorry B/f but I have to go!"

He waved at me then I took off running, I don't really know what type of things Niko likes now, but I would assume it's the thought that counts.

I got him a birthday cake then bought a bottle of alcohol. My hands fumbled in my coat trying to find the address he had given me. Once I found it I headed there. I stopped to get him 3 balloons.

When I finally arrived, I knocked on the door. Nikolai's tall self answered, "oh N/n?"

"Yessir yessir!" I invited myself in, the room lights were dim, I turned to Nikolai then I gave him a perverted look,

"Sooo~ what were you planning on doing tonight~"

"Same thing you and Dazai think about all the time and it already happened." He rolled his eyes, "why are you here?"

"I thought I'd spend your birthday with you!"

"Birthday? Oh, it's that time again?"

"Do you not celebrate it?"

"Not really, ever since Dos' parents passed, we never celebrated our birthdays."

"Oh..." I said in a sad tone. I sat on the bed, forgetting what the bed was just used for. Nikolai stood up then kneeled in front of me, he placed his hand on my lower thigh and his other hand was used to lift my face up to look at him, "hey now. Thank you for this. It's refreshing to have someone actually care about my birthday."

"Apparently someone else cared." I gestured to the handcuffs on the floor, Nikolai put his hand in his hair and laughed nervously, "Well~ what can I say?"

He stood and took the bag from me then set it on the table, "you got a whole cake?"

"Yea." I said still sad. Nikolai took the balloons from my hand then kneeled in front of me again, he flicked my forehead, then rested his head on my legs, "it means more than you know."

He seemed somewhat sad too, "Hey Niko?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you seem sad?"

"Because underneath this cool exterior there is a sad human being."

I put my hand in his hair, "Fyo getting arrested?"

"Sorta. Dos was the only one that ever really understood me. I barely even go by orders at this point because he takes forever giving them. I don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry Niko." He wrapped his arms around my waist, "Hey N/n. Can I ask you for a favor?"

"Anything." I said, looking down at him.

He lifted his head and showed a really sad expression, "will you stay the night with me?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Definitely not, but I miss you so much." His grip around my waist tightened, "it's fine if you say no, you're with Dazai after all. He's much better of a-"

"Hey now, none of this is about Dazai. He doesn't matter in this situation, I'll stay with you Niko." Besides it's not like Dazai will see this as a sexual act anyway.

I felt him smile, "thank you."

I never knew how much he was suffering, how could I? We're enemies. I shouldn't be here. I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt something wet hit my knee, "Niko, are- are you crying?"

"Sorry, just leave me be for a moment." His voice muffled.

I said nothing else but ran my hand through his hair. He was truly suffering,

"Nikolai, why didn't you tell Fyodor about you suffering like this?"

"Dos may understand me better than anyone else, but he definitely wouldn't understand this feeling."

"What feeling?"

"This hole I have. No matter how much I try to fill it, it's just it's never enough."

I brought myself down to the floor with him, holding him closer, "I know that feeling all too well."

"But you have someone you actually love. I thought I had someone, someone who was my everything, someone who helped me when I was down, then they vanished without a trace."

I pat his head, "it'll be alright. I'm here Niko, I won't let you go or abandon you."

He smiled again, "thank you N/n."

He stood up then offered his hand to me, "let's eat that cake now alright?" Tears were still flowing down his face.

I smiled then took his hand, "I brought alcohol too."

He nodded, "you really are the best."

It was silent for a moment, he began to cut the cake after going to get a knife, "Hey N/n, sorry about that breakdown, I know you went though way worse things than I did."

My eyes widened at his words, "How-"

"I felt it way back when I first touched you when we met for the first time in years. Even though you knew it was me, you still jumped at the touch."

I looked down at the floor, "so you knew?"

"I never told Dos. I thought you wouldn't want him hearing about it."

Another moment of silence, "Dazai doesn't know either, does he?"

I said nothing but shook my head. My darkest secret no one knew yet Nikolai found out so quickly?

"We all have secrets N/n. Some we don't want to come to terms with but even so, you have to talk about it sooner or later, it'll eat you from the inside out if you don't. Even if you can't tell Mori, or anyone else, you can always talk to me about it."

I looked at him, then realized there was a mirror, I stared at my reflection, my eyes began to water as I looked away in disgust, Nikolai walked behind me and turned my face back to the mirror,

"If you want to know so bad, you're not disgusting. It was something completely out of your control."

I began to shake as I recalled memories from this incident, Nikolai grabbed my hand, "everyone has secrets N/n. If you need to talk to me, please do so."

He handed me a plate, "here."

Although this was suppose to be a happy occasion, it felt like all that was in the room was sadness. We were both extremely sad individuals.
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so you may be wondering "author-chan why did you give us another chapter?" well my beauties it has come to my attention THAT IT IS NIKOLAI'S BIRTHDAY🥳🥳🥳 this chapter was pretty sad but that's only because i would assume with fyodor being gone and nikolai probably not fitting it with the rest of the rats, he would be a little on the depressed side. anyway, that's all for now, happy birthday niko🥳