Eternally His (Dazai Osamu x Reader)

Struggling

Nikolai's P.O.V.
It hurt a lot hearing that she was going to have a baby, it hurt even more saying those words to her, I could barely stand it.

"I'm so happy for you N/n. You and Dazai will be great parents!"

I sat in a apartment room with Fyodor, who was on the computer, looking at something.

"Hey, Niko. Are you alright?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, turning my attention towards him

"Well, you did just let N/n go for real this time, so how did it feel?"

"You sadistic little fuck." I joked around. I scoffed before standing up, "it made me feel happy." I said sarcastically.

"It made you feel like you're going to forever have a hole in your heart?"

My playful eyes soon turned wide, "what?"

"You won't ever find someone to love, you'll be forced to live a life you don't want to." He explained further, "it's alright to feel sad Nikolai."

Fyodor got up and hugged me, his head rested on my shoulder, "you don't have to act so strong in front of me. Go ahead."

My hands found their way to his back and i clenched his shirt, my head dropped and tears began to overflow.

"I loved her so much." I said in a shaky voice, we soon sunk to the ground. Fyodor placed his hand in my hair, "I know you did."

"Dos, I'm so sad."

"I know Niko. I know." His hand gently rubbed my back then sympathetically patted my head.

I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms, shaking. Sadness completely washed over me, all the feelings I had for her, she would never know how much I truly loved her.

"Y-You wanna play cards?" He asked in a sad tone, it was obvious that my own sadness was affecting him.

I slowly nodded before getting up and getting a deck of cards, before I sat back down in front of him. I wiped my face then looked at him, he wore a sad expression before he took my cheek into his hand, "what game to do you wanna play?" He asked while wiping the tear from my eye.

I sniffled before mumbling, "b-blackjack."

Dos smiled slightly before sitting back, "okay, start passing out."

Throughout the first few rounds, there was nothing but silence. While Fyodor looked for any signs of discomfort from me, my thoughts were still racing.

"Maybe it's because I never told her? I always did have a habit of joking about my feelings..."

I ran a hand throughout my long hair, almost frustrated. Dos looked at me, "you alright?"

I nodded before placing down my cards, "I don't...think I want to play anymore."

"Niko-"

"I'm going to get in the shower." I said before getting up and walking to the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it behind me.

I turned the shower on and stripped myself, after stepping in I just stood there under the warm water.

I knew Fyodor didn't really know how to comfort me since it was the first time he's seen me this sad since we were children but I decided that after I got out, I would tell him about everything. Everything mentally and everything physically.

I stepped out of the shower and then wrapped a towel around my waist, I walked out of the bathroom and seen Fyodor sitting on the bed as if he was waiting for me.

"Hey..." He said awkwardly.

"We need to talk." I said, he scoot over and let me sit next to him.

"These past few years in the rats...I haven't really been honest with you. I've been unable to actually enjoy myself like you said I would be able to and I think I've completely lost who I once was because it was getting to the point I didn't feel anything after I watched the life fade from someone knowing I caused it."

"I know. Everything's my fault. If things were different maybe you wouldn't have had to do the things you did, I'm sorry Niko."

"No, no, no, no! Don't blame yourself Dos, it's not your fault because you gave me a choice. It's my fault. I just thought I should tell you that I've been struggling with my feelings and body and everything, if that makes sense?" I looked down and pointed to my wrist, you could see the faint slash marks, I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes.

"It does. I have done the same," he paused for a moment and rolled his own sleeve up, Dos didn't cut appear to have cut himself but there were puncture wounds on his wrist, I decided not to question it, "and I think we both need help. The things we've done aren't things we should be proud of, they're horrible and I think that we need to see someone who can try and help us turn a new leaf and live a decent life."

"I- I think I need help." I said, my eyes watering again. I looked up to see his expression and to my surprise, Dos was crying.

"Niko, I...I want help to." He sniffled before another tear ran down his pale face. I nodded and held my hand out to him and he grabbed it, "this will be our new commitment." His voice was hoarse.

I silently cried while tightening the grip on his hand, "yea."
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so i've been gone for a minute- sorry about that. i wrote this chapter because it goes along with the things that i've recently done. i recently came out to my grandpa about my mental state, my cutting issue, and how i feel 'depressed' (i don't really like using the word because i think it's overused and a lot of people use it for attention.) he asked me if i needed professional help and he didn't freak out the way i thought he would and- it just made me happy. being a person from behind a screen, it makes it easier to get this off my chest because i feel anonymous. but that's also a bad thing because i can't help people struggling with the same issue, if any one of you feel that you want/need to speak to someone about matters like this, please feel free to contact me. you're not alone and you can always reach out to me, i'm here for all of you❤️