Romantic Killer But I Made It Gay

Part 102

"So..." I rub my hands together and I see Junta doing the same. I guess it's a nervous habit we've picked up from each other.

"I'm not going to accept," he blurts and I stare at him in disbelief.

"Are you crazy? This is the chance of a lifetime! You could—"

"I'm not going!" he repeats, tears gathering in his eyes. "I'm not going to leave you!"

I sigh lightly. I have to do this, after all. And I know no matter how I do it, it's going to hurt both of us. "Junta...I-I think you should go."

He gasps lightly, turning to me. "But I—"

"I know. I know why you want to stay. But..." I grab his large hand, placing it in mine. Both are rough, but his is worn from years of the handle of a bat digging into his skin. "But this is your calling, I know it."

"You don't know why I want to stay!" he argues passionately, wrapping his shaky hand around mine. "It's because of you! Because I..."

"Wait, I—"

"I love you, Haru. I always have."

I feel tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision. He's always been by my side. He's always been this amazing. He's kind and helpful and handsome and incredible. But I can't...I can't find it in myself to love him back. It's just...impossible. In the end, we were destined to just be friends, if that's even possible anymore.

"I know."

He wipes at his eyes with his free hand. "What?"

"I'm sorry." I squeeze his hand back, looking down at it, not meeting his eyes. "I knew this whole time. Kiki told me."

"This whole...?" He sniffles, still staring at me.

"Yeah. I just...I never wanted to tell you. I knew it'd be awkward..." I rub my forehead nervously. "Gah, how do I say this?"

He doesn't say anything and I can see tears falling into his legs, soaking into his pants and disappearing. This is killing him, I know it.

"Listen," I start, gathering my nerves to look him in the face. "I want what's best for you. I'm not saying I know that better than you, but I'm doing what I think is right. Please, don't let me hold you back. That...That would be too much."

"You're not holding me back!" he finally disagrees heatedly. "You're the whole reason I've gotten this far!"

"Those were implanted memories," I argue back, trying to keep cool. "All that stuff about me running onto the field to help you? Cheering for you loudest in the stands? You think I'm brave enough to do that, even now? You know how I was in elementary school; I could never stand up for a friend!"

He gasps lightly, leaning back but still holding my hand. "None of that...was real...?"

I shake my head sadly. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"But everything else," I continue, "those memories were real! You were my favorite person to play Cat Ranger with! You were fun and new. I missed you a lot when you moved away."

"Don't say that," he growls, eyes closed.

I blink, surprised by his spiteful tone. I've never heard Junta talk like this. "You can't deny—"

"You didn't even know my name!"

I wince, but somehow stay strong. "Then what about the last six months? Try and deny those! They weren't implanted memories, and they weren't implanted by that wizard. They were real."

"Yeah, real time of me getting in your and Tsukasa's way."

"No, real fun, real happiness, real laughs. All three of us. That includes you, Junta."

He shakes his head, opening his eyes, shaking like he might blow away at any second.

"No! I've always just been in the way! I knew you liked Tsukasa from the start but I kept trying for you! I'm so pathetic! I'm so useless! I should've just given up a long time ago and moved out! That would've been so much easier on you! But I-I stayed!" He chokes on his words. "I just want what's best for you, but I keep hurting you! Every second I'm here, I'm hurting you!"

"Stop!" I cry, putting a hand over his mouth. "Seriously, I can't see through all that bull you're spewing out. You're pathetic? You're useless? Seriously? Those are my lines. Are you just blind or something? Why can't you see how amazing you are!?"

He sniffles and I remove my hand to let him talk but he says nothing. I lean back on the couch, my heart racing from the adrenaline. This whole conversation has been completely made up on the spot, so I hope I didn't say anything wrong. We're barely talking about the same thing we were at the beginning anymore.

"Listen...you're an amazing person, Junta. But I...fine, this sounds awful, but I think we're better off as friends. But know I'm always here for you, whenever you need me."

He forces a smile through the tears. "T-Thanks, Haru. I'm a-always here for you too."

God, how can he be so sweet? I feel even more awful about this now. But I know I have to do it.

"Junta, how does your family feel about this?" I realize. I don't want to tell him to go only for his mom to disagree.

He shakes his head, releasing my hand to wipe at his eyes. "T-They're fine with it. They think it's a-a great idea, of course."

I smile gently. "I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's your choice in the end, and I'll support whatever you choose. But I've said what I want to say about it, so...just—just don't throw this away. Please."

He nods shakily. "Tsukasa thinks I should go too."

So that's what they were arguing about.

"I should go respond to them." He gets up and wobbles to the door, then turns back to me, tears staining his face but half his usual smile still there. "Thank you, Haru. For being honest with me."

"I..." I don't know what to say, and I don't have any more time to say anything as he leaves. As I hear him walking up the stairs, the reality of the situation hits me. I just rejected my best friend. I destroyed him. He loves me so much and I completely shut him down. What's wrong with me? Am I really that awful of a person?

I bury my face in my hand, unable to stop the tears flowing out of my eyes. I bite my cheek, trying not to sob as I pull my knees to my chest. I have to pull myself together. I'm supposed I'm supposed to be the strong one here! I'm getting better. I'm being braver. And look what that did to Junta.

"Haru."

The couch bounces down and I look up, the world blurry around me. Tsukasa's worried face fills my vision and I feel a gentle hand petting my back.

"I'm sorry, I'm not that good with these types of things. Just tell me what you need, if you can."

I choke on a smile. "Thank-ks, Tsukasa."

"I get the gist of what happened," he admits. "I knew about Junta's feelings and I didn't tell you. I'm sorry. I should've...been clearer with both of you."

He's really struggling to blame himself. I drop my legs and lean into his warm body, placing my head underneath his chin. Without hesitation he wraps his long arms around my back, pulling me in as I sob into his chest.

"I hurt him so much!"

"I know."

"I-I didn't know what to do!"

"I know."

"I just want what's b-best for him! That's it! But I can't feel the same way! What's wrong with me!?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong with you, Haru." His hand winds up my back to brush through my hair gently. "Love is terrifying. Everyone deals with it. But you know what? You get through it. I did. And just like you helped me, I'll be here for you."

I smile, making more tears spill out. I really love him, don't I?