How Could This Be Real?

39. I Don't Deserve Any Of It

A few weeks later, I realized that the new game I'd gotten from Cam was releasing soon and excitedly hurried to make videos on it. I was just about to start my first episode when Squid invited me into a party.
    I answered, slightly annoyed that he’d interrupted. “Yes?”
    “Hey, I see you’re playing Colbix.”
    “Yeah, I was just about to record it, so leave me alone.”
    “Well, that’s not very nice.”
    “Please? I’m all psyched up and ready to go.”
    “Just hold your horses for a second.” I sighed and waited. “I was kinda thinking, maybe, we could do this series… together.”
    I rolled my eyes, “How many times do I have to tell you-”
    “I know, I know, but hear me out. I’m putting it on my second channel which doesn’t have nearly as many subs and you’re getting up there. I’m sure nobody would think it’s unreasonable for us to work together. I mean I record with James and he only has 50 thousand subs.”
“I suppose that’s true,” I muttered.
“So is that a yes?”
I contemplated for a while. I’ve been so persistent on not being on his channel for so long. What will he think if I agree? That I’m weak-minded? That I can’t make my own decisions? Would he try to persuade me to do other things? I scolded myself for those thoughts. Of course he wouldn’t think those things, he’s totally supportive of me. Plus, he is right. I do have more subscribers than some of his friends. My fans already know that I’m friends with him, so what harm could it do?
Finally I sighed, “I suppose.”
I could almost hear him grinning. “Awesome! I’m all set up, you ready to go?”
“Don’t you want to talk about it first?”
“Nah, let’s just yolo this.”
I didn’t really like doing videos that way, I always had a plan for my episodes, but if he thought it would work then I decided to trust him. I invited him into the game and we soon started recording.
“Hello everybody! And welcome back toooo, Squiddy Plays! Today we’re starting a series on this totally amazing new game called Colbix! That’s not the only thing that’s new though! For the first time on my channel, I’m being joined by my very good friend, ElsieGurl!”
“Hey peoples, great to see you all. If you’re watching this on my channel, this obviously isn’t Squiddy Plays, but otherwise you can listen to everything else he said.”
We started playing and I just pretended it was another regular video, not going up on his channel. It was a lot of fun and it ended way too soon. When it was over, we decided to do another one straight away. After that, he still had some time so we did another. And another. I started to lose track of how much time had passed and eventually, after I’m not sure how many episodes, he yawned.
“Man, I am shattered.”
I glanced out the window and yelped. The sun was setting already. “Geez, what time is it?”
There was a pause and I guessed he was checking a clock. “Almost one.”
“What?! David, why didn’t you say something?”
“I was in the zone! That was so much fun, I didn’t want it to end.”
I shook my head, “Go to bed.”
“Is that a royal order?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, fine. Goodnight Princess, love you.”
“Love you too Charming.”
The game officially came out a few days later so it was a green light for anyone to upload videos on it. We weren’t the only ones of course, I mean this was the next big thing so everyone wanted in on it. I was tempted to look at the video Squid had uploaded to see what people were saying about me, but for once I decided to leave it alone.
About a week later, David invited me into an Xbox party. When it connected, I started to say, “Hey, wha-”
“Congratulations!” I was interrupted by quite a few voices yelling some form of this into my ears.
I grimaced, “Yo, what’s the big idea?! You trying to make me go deaf?”
“Welcome to the club!” Ash exclaimed.
“You totally deserve it,” Stampy said.
“All of us down here are so jelly man!” James chimed in.
I furrowed my eyebrows, “What the heck are you guys talking about?”
Squid gasped, “You mean you don’t know?!”
“I guess not.”
“Check your stats girl! Now!”
“Okay, okay, geez.” I opened my laptop and went to my channel page. I had a suspicion that this was what they were talking about, but it still warmed my heart. “100 thousand subs,” I said almost to myself. “Who would have thought it was possible?”
“We all knew you could do it.”
“Let us know when you get your play button!”
“That gold one is just a hop, skip, and a jump away now. Trust me, I know,” Stampy said.
“I’m so proud of you Princess,” David murmured sweetly.
“Oh, don’t you go all sappy on me. It’s just a number after all.”
“Who’s up for a celebratory round of Rocket League?!” Ash proclaimed.
“Yeah!” the guys yelled.
I rolled my eyes, “Oh, fine.” So we played a few games of that and eventually, the guys started to drop out until it was just David and me. I smirked, “So, one on one then?”
“The big 100k,” he said, totally ignoring my question.
I shook my head, “I thought we were done with this.”
“But that’s just incredible! To get that many in what, four months? Do you know how many people have been on YouTube for years and they’re not even close to that? You’re amazing Angel! Everyone loves you!”
“It’s because I had you, duh. You did this, I told you not to intervene!”
“But I didn’t do that much, not really. You got that part in Area 33 by yourself.”
“After you promoted me.”
He ignored that and said, “Why is it so hard for you to accept this amazing feat?”
“Because it wasn’t really me! I had so much help, I have to give them credit. Especially you. But to be honest, it’s mostly because…” I dipped my head, “I know that I don’t deserve to be here.”
There was a pause. “What?”
I didn't think about it often, but I knew that it was true. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I was right now if I hadn't had all this help. I started with such good intentions, promising that I'd never go on his channel, that I would grow naturally, but now look at what I'd done.
I sighed, “I don’t deserve all this attention, I’m not good enough. I never would have been able to do this on my own, I can’t do anything on my own! I always need help no matter what I’m doing. RyGuy was wrong, I’m not independant and certainly not a leader. I don’t deserve any of it.” My eyes slipped shut sadly, “I don’t deserve you.”
A long silence passed between us. He finally gets it, I thought. He finally understands my point of view. He knows why I don't want to accept it.
My laptop pinged and I jumped. I glanced at the screen, “Skype call from Charming”. I swiped at my eyes to make sure they were dry and answered it.
He was a mix of emotions, his eyes were sad, his shoulders drooped in what I guessed was sympathy, but he wore a loving smile. “God, I wish I could be there right now. Just, pretend I’m holding you. You’re in my embrace, I’m stroking your hair, kissing your forehead.”
My body ached for him but I tried not to let it show and nodded.
“Angel, you deserve everything you’ve gotten. You’re one of the kindest, most determined, hard working people I’ve ever met, and I’m not just saying that because I love you. It’s the complete truth. Sure you needed help, but we all did! None of us went through this alone, we all had support in one way or another.
“Everything you do is a group effort. Even... independant worksheets you do at school for example. Sure, you’re the one putting down the answers, but you’re using all the knowledge you’ve gathered over the course of your life, from all the classes you’ve had. YouTube is no different. Yes, it’s your channel so you feel responsible for it, but it’s like you said, there are many people to give credit to.
“What’s at the center of it all though? Who really made this all possible? You did Angel. You’re the one you have to give the most credit to. Without you, there’s nothing.
“Without you... I’m nothing. You think I’m the one that’s been helping you, but really you’ve been helping me. You’ve taught me so much, been there with me since the beginning. If anyone is undeserving of anything, it’s me.”
I wasn’t sure when the tears had started, but I knew they weren’t going to stop anytime soon. I looked deep into his eyes, trying to see into his mind. Trying to see how he had come up with such kind words. Looking for some explanation of how this perfect man could love me. I soon decided that I didn’t need an explanation, I didn’t care why, all I cared about was that he did.
“Thank you David,” I whispered, afraid that my voice would crack and break the moment. “I love you with all my heart. I love you.”
“I love you Angel.”
I continued to tell him I loved him for I don’t know how long and soon found myself singing the song I had wrote for him. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed there, exchanging words of amor, but eventually he had to leave and my heart broke a little. As soon as he had left I watched some of his videos, not wanting to go a moment without seeing him. I soon fell asleep to the sound of his voice and dreamt of play buttons and fans and David, of course of David.
***
The next few months went by in a blur. I fell into a rhythm of school, YouTube, sleep during the week, and David, YouTube, gang, sleep on the weekends. I lost track of how many collabs I did, most of them with people I had never heard of, but I ended up making a lot of new friends and some of them even became regulars on my channel. I swore my subscribers counter was broken, the number kept going up so fast. 150, 200, 300, 500 thousand people. That’s half a million.
    Apparently I was attracting attention from more than just fans and other youtubers though. I was getting offers from sponsors and advertising companies, people that were willing to pay me for letting their stuff be on my videos. I couldn’t believe it, I was raking in money for doing what I loved and having fun. This was the best thing that had ever happened to me, besides meeting David of course.
Summer came and I doubled my uploads, simply because I had the time to. I started Twitter and Facebook pages and was immediately flocked with fanart and messages from people saying that they loved me. Loved me. It was all too good to be true, I was almost positive I was dreaming.
A few weeks into summer vacation, I got a message from a familiar face on Xbox. “Hey, have you forgotten about all us little people?”
I immediately invited him into a party. “Tycer!” I exclaimed. “How you been buddy?”
“Pretty good,” he replied, “can’t complain. I see you’re doing great though.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve never felt so accomplished!”
“We’re all happy for you but I got to admit, we miss you girl.”
“I know, I miss you too! We should totally collab again!”
“Like, for real?”
“Yes for real, you think I’m joking?”
“Well, I just mean, you wouldn’t mind having someone... smaller like me on your channel?”
“Of course not, we’re mates! We’ll have like a welcome back party for ya or something.”
He chuckled, “Thanks, I appreciate it. But anyways, the main reason I wanted to talk to you is, well, Minevention is coming up soon and we were kind of hoping, that, you know, you’d... come? As one of the spokespeople for Area 33?”
“Where’s it being held?”
“Meath.”
“You’re going to have to be more broad.”
“Oh, right. It’s in Ireland.”
“Yikes. I’d love to but I don’t know, it’d be pretty expensive for me to go there.”
“Oh no, they’d pay for it of course. The plane, the hotel, everything.”
“Who’s they?”
“The people running it, they’re paying for all of us.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“Woah, then sign me up! I mean, I have to ask my parents of course, but they’ll probably be fine with it.”
“Wait, you mean, you actually want to?”
“Duh! That sounds like so much fun! Here, I’ll go ask them now so you have an answer.” I tore off my headphones and ran up the stairs. “Dad!”
“What?”
I spoke really fast, adrenaline pumping through me, “You know how we went to Minecon last year? Well, there’s something similar to that, it’s called Minevention, and Tycer just invited me to come as one of the youtubers. It’s in Ireland but it would all be paid for. Please say yes! I really really really want to go!”
“Woah there, slow down Flash. You mean to tell me you want to go to Ireland? By yourself?”
“Well I’m sure you could come if you wanted but you’d probably be really bored and might have to pay for yourself. Even if you didn’t come though, I wouldn’t be alone. I would have Tycer and Snake and RyGuy, all very responsible adults.”
“How long would you have to stay?”
“Oh, I didn’t ask. Here,” I grabbed his arm, “you should come down with me so you can ask him your questions.” He reluctantly followed me and I put Arran on Kinect. “Okay, I’ve got my dad here, he has some questions.”
“Uh, okay. Hi Elsie’s dad.”
“It’s nice to meet you. Well, your voice at least. Anyways, can you explain exactly what you’re asking her to do? She was talking a million miles an hour.”
So Tycer told him in detail what I would be doing there and it just made me even more excited.
“When is it?”
“The 14th to the 16th of next month.”
“Where would she be staying?”
“We’re all going to be in a hotel right across the street from the convention. If she ever needed anything, one of us would be right down the hall.”
“Is it a safe area?”
“Oh yes, very much so.”
After a few long moments he looked at me, “This is something you really want to do?”
I nodded vigorously, “Yes!”
He sighed, “We’ll have to talk to your mother when she get’s home but, I don’t see why not.”
I threw my arms around him, “Thank you thank you thank you! And thank you Tycer!”
“Woah now, you know how mom is.”
“Yeah yeah, but I’m sure we can convince her.”
“Alright, well let me know as soon as you have an answer,” Tycer said.
“Will do!”
My mom came home a few hours later and we sat down to explain it to her. She laughed when we were done, “You can’t be serious.”
“More serious than I’ve been about anything,” I said and she stopped laughing.
She looked at me, “You honestly think I’m going to let you go halfway around the world, by yourself, and leave you with a bunch of strangers?”
“But they aren’t strangers, not to me. I’ve been talking to them for months, they’re like family. I totally trust them.”
“Angel, no, it’s not happening.”
I looked to my dad pleadingly. He put on a hand on my mom’s, “Renee, she’s getting older. We have to trust her to do things on her own.”
“She’s 15 for crying out loud! My parents didn’t even let me drive by myself until I was 18, let alone take a plane!”
“Mom, please, I know there are bad people in the world and bad things happen, but you just have to believe in all the good. I believe that the plane will take me there safely. I believe my friends will help me and protect me. I believe I’ll come home and have lots of fun memories to tell you about. Why is it so hard for you to believe it too?”
She was quiet for a long while, looking between my dad and me. Eventually she sighed and her eyes began to water, “Promise me you’ll come home safely.”
I gave her a tight hug, “I promise.”

✧✦☆★✧✦☆★
I didn't have a lot time so I just kind of skim-edited this. Sorry if it's total rubbish haha. I'll probably go back and fix it up when I get back home. I just didn't want to mess up my schedule. Not sure what else to say... I'm hungry... I'm gonna go get some breakfast... Wait, why are you still here? Go find something else to read! Support the amazing people of Wattpad! Go go go! (Or you could keep reading this story... I wouldn't mind that...)

Thanks for reading peoples ;) ☮ Peace ☮ - Elsie