To Love Again

Moving On

Here's a short update. I apologize if it seems like it's dragging and all over the place, but I haven't had much time to edit since I wrote it during downtime at work. I promise to make it up on my days off. I swear!

Strong language used herein.

===================================

Its been 2 weeks since Maine returned to the Philippines. Two weeks since she and her parents scattered her sister's ashes to the wind. Two weeks since she locked herself in her childhood room, only coming out for food. Two fucking weeks of self pity, of remorse, of guilt. Two fucking weeks of my life wasted.

Maine woke up that morning with determination and resolve. Enough! Ate, I miss you but I am done mourning. Time to move on. She took a much needed shower, put some light make up on and headed towards her sister's room. Once she opened the door and stepped inside, memories came flooding back again.

In that very moment, Maine felt the emptiness that her sister left behind. She moved towards the well made bed and lied down where her sister usually occupied. She turned her head and sniffed the pillow but instead of smelling her sister's usual scent, her nostrils were assaulted with the smell of fresh laundry. It dawned on her that her Nanay must've washed the sheets during the times that she locked herself in her room. Such a supportive child, Maine. Leaving my Nanay to clean up by herself after she already lost a child.

Maine sat up and headed to the dresser containing pictures of her sister and their family. She caressed her sister's smiling face in one of the photographs and quickly wiped the tears that came unbidden. Ate, I am missing you with every fiber of my being. But forgive me if I am done wallowing in my grief. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are. With that, she stepped out of the room, closed the door and walked away without turning back.

Nanay and Tatay need me now.

The thing about Teodoro and Maryann Mendoza is that they are both very resilient individuals. They've both been through a lot in their lifetime but they still managed to pull through and trudge on forward. They have always looked on the brighter side instead of wallowing in the darkness, in the pain, in the emptiness. When they first found out about Dyann's depressive and suicidal tendencies (at the age of 18), they worked so hard to get the help she needed. They searched for the best psychiatrists and psychologists locally and abroad. They never gave up.

Maine during those times, felt neglected and felt like she was left to fend for her own. So she did. She pursued nursing, not because it was her passion but because it was her way out of the country. Away from the family that doesn't love her anyway.

It took her at least 2 years of being in the states, working her ass off to make a life of her own before she realized how wrong and how selfish she was. She had numerous letters from her sister and her parents left unopened since she left the Philippines. She made it a point to not call or have any form of communication with them. What changed my mind?

She came home from work one night (exhausted as always), when she reached her apartment hallway, there lied her father, sleeping on the floor outside her door. At first sight, Maine couldn't help the irritation that she  instantly felt. But as she drew nearer, mixed emotions of guilt, regret and excitement alternated within her. As much she tried to deny it, she was actually happy to see her father. She woke him up and as soon as her father opened his eyes and saw her alive and well, he cried.

Teodoro stayed for a week then just making sure that his youngest daughter truly is okay. He updated Maine on how her sister had been in and out of the hospital because of her unsuccessful suicide attempts. That's when Maine realized that perhaps she was a bit selfish to leave her parents when they needed her the most. Since then, she stayed in close contact with her family. Making it a point everyday to talk to them via Skype even for a short time. It seemed to have worked well because her sister appeared to have flourished. In fact, Dyann actually put the effort in looking for a job as a receptionist of a high end plastic surgeon. She seemed happy until...

Until she finally succeeded in ending her own life.

**************************************

Silence descended when the people in the kitchen noticed Maine enter. Her mother was the first one to speak.

"Menggay, anak. You're up. Are you hungry" she tentatively asked which made Maine feel ashamed because of the way she behaved for the last 2 weeks. That instead of grieving with her parents, she chose to lock herself in her room, not caring if her parents were doing okay. Honestly Maine. And you called your sister selfish? With that realization and the resolve to make things better, Maine smiled and went to hug her mother and father.

"I love you Nanay and Tatay. Today is a brand new day. Let's eat" she stated enthusiastically which seemed to have galvanized the others in the room to start moving.

The family of three as well as their housekeeper all sat down for breakfast. It was a comfortable silence at first, with the utensils touching the plates the only sound. Each person caught up in their own thoughts. Then the doorbell chimed.

In the last two weeks, there have been the constant traffic of flowers and condolence cards/letters through their door. Most were from relatives and friends locally and abroad. Since they didn't have a funeral service, the people just heard of what happened through word of mouth.

Ate Sonya, their housekeeper stood up to answer the doorbell and came back with a huge bouquet of white lilies and a card to which she handed to Maine.

Maine opened the card and it contained 7 words. 7 words that would've been acceptable and dare we say normal under the circumstances; but as soon as she read who it was from, Maine felt this unmistakable rage. How dare he? Who does he think he is? The fucking nerve of this man? Unbelievable!

"Who is it from, anak" Maryann asked.

"Oh. It's from one of our distant relatives in Canada" Maine nonchalantly stated belying the churning anger she was feeling inside. She placed the card in her back pants pocket for later. She continued chatting with her parents without letting on that she was fuming. Her mind kept going back to the card and it's contents like its burning a whole in her pocket. It clearly read...

"I am very sorry for your loss."

From,

Richard Faulkerson Jr.