Changing | SM

Part 10: my level

Shawn:

💞next week💞

I've been staying at Brian's for a few days now. I don't know if I'm overstaying my welcome but I know he'll say something if it ever comes to that point of me staying too long.
And at some point I have to leave.

My mom keeps on bugging me to come back home, same with my sister asking me, but I'd rather run away than go back there ever again. It's not a good environment and I honestly hate to be there.
I know it's probably not the best thing to do, to pack your bags and just run away from every problem that comes over your path, but it scares me to have to face them.

I'll rather live with the knowing thoughts of running off and being a coward, than to face my problems and then people expect more from me. More from the person I am now, because I'm not the samw anymore.
I'm not that strong anymore, I lost the belief in myself and that other will help. And the people also lost their belief in me.

The world leaves you in times you need it the most, when you need help or just a glimpse of showing care.
People constantly say they're with you, they'll stand behind you, but once your turn your back on them to go forward on and face a problem... you walk alone.
You'll face everything alone.

I drove to school this morning, feeling the weight of the world already on my shoulders as I parked my car in the illegal parking zone.
Ah well.
"Hey Mendes! You're not disabled!" I heard a yell, turning around to find Adriana walking up to me with her brother, I don't really know his name, just behind her. I can see that he shares the same feeling as me. Looks like the two of us, both despise her. "I am!" I yelled back, throwing the last few things in my bag before swinging it over my shoulder.
"Where? I don't see you wheeling in on a chair or anyt-" "My mind Ariana. My mind." I yelled, already irritating her by saying her name wrong.

Waiting for her to blow.

"It's Adriana!" She groaned hard and I smiled with pure pleasure as I walked into the school halls. "Success." I said to myself, chuckling. I went to pack my books for the first periods before lunch.

I can't wait for lunch.
I'm wishing every hour over so I can get school done, leave this hell hole and get done with everything around me. To just run away, if I can place it in more simpler words.
Once I read, yes, I read a book once but that was long ago, that you should go to the place where you feel most alive.
I still need to find that place where I feel most alive, where I feel myself and can live in the moment instead of just wishing it over. Irritation pricking my mind as I walked into each class.

Seeing the people I hate and the teacher I... hate.
Wherever I sit it's only between positive people, overexcited over things making them happy. It makes me sad to see that they actually have a family. Am I the only one on this earth that has the sadness in my heart that simply can't be replaced with joy?

"My mom baught me a new phone yesterday and I love the sound it makes when I receive a text. Just quickly text me. *ding* Did you hear that? I love that sound. But it's not the one I wanted, but still just hear that sound." Bragging over things they think brings joy. Selfish. Stupid.
"You know, I love the sound of you shutting up." I turned around, bursting the bubble of joy and creating an atmosphere of misery and confusion.
My level of atmosphere.

Success in your way, can be compared with achieving goals and living your dreams... mine is compared to making people feel the same way I do.
Down and silent.

It's beter that way, when nobody speaks. Because then nobody will get hurt. Don't you think? Success in the hurting sadnesses of life.