Changing | SM

Part 67: almost

Shawn:

With a heart sinking to the ground I got back in my car, driving off and for once, wanting to take her with me, but she refused to come.
She threw me away now, she asked me to leave after I promised her I wouldn't.

One thing about me, even though I'm a messed up person... I never break my promises.

I'm not leaving her.
And I'm sure as hell not giving up on this fight to keep her, win her over again.

I love her so much, and I can't believe this all happened. If I just never gave in to that bet with Cody this would've never happened.
I was a different person back then, and I now wish I didn't do it.
But then again, if I didn't, I would've never been that pressured to get closer to her and in that way get to know her.
Fall inlove and have her...

[months later]

I miss her.
God, I fucking miss her.

Sleeping alone and not having the house filled with laughter is a paining silence. It's a slow death that I'm dying every day.
She's been skipping school and cutting class just to avoid me and people in general.
And I hate to see what happened to her... what I did to her.

💞Adriana:

Skipping school never felt more at ease and dropping grades never bothered me less.
I'm changing, I'm breaking.

I feel like I'm once again watching my life passing by in front of my own eyes. Losing a piece every passing second of every day.
I don't want to be this broken again.
I want and need Shawn to keep me together. But I can see my own body, I can see myself from the outside. And no matter how hard I yell or try to get out of the situation, I simply can't hear.

I keep drowning in my own air.
Every breath I exhale, I wish were my last. I see him everywhere. And it pains me to not be with him.
Why is love such a rollercoaster?

Sometimes when I get home I just fall down on my bed, hoping that I'll fall asleep before I fall apart.
To never wake up again. From lovers, and friends, and basically family we went back to complete strangers.

"Adriana are you okay?" Mariana asked for the fifteenth time this day, and for the first time ever... I'm answering her.
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Just don't look in to my eyes." I said, already feeling the tears burning.
"You know. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be weak for a moment just to bare your broken heart." "Yes. I agree, but if you've been weak your entire life, another moment of weakness can last a lifetime."
We sat down in our class.
English.

Shawn basically moved classes just so he can show his face in every class I have. Lucky me, getting to see the one who broke me again in every class.
I wish he'd just leave. Or I'll do the favor to leave.

"Class, who can tell me what the saddest word in English is?"

I know this.

Even though it's wrong, it's the saddest word for me. I looked at the teacher and when he saw my eye contact with him, he called on my name.
"Adriana?"
"Almost, sir."
"Almost? Why?" He leaned against his table, waiting for me to answer.

"Because 'we almost had it.' 'We were almost there.' 'I almost survived.' 'He almost loved me.' 'We almost made it.'" I said that all, looking over to Shawn, never moving my eye contact from him.
And I saw how it ate every last piece of him away.

The class went silent as our eyes locked on each others.
Even they know. And that's just defeating.

I couldn't take it any longer. I got up, gathering my things and just leaving the class.
Home.
Is all I can think about, but I can't even go there because that's where he is. That's where so many memories are.

I have nobody.
Nowhere to run.
Nowhere to go and cry.

Empty. Like the day I started with this.
Alone. And that's how I'll end with this.