Changing | SM

Part 31: owning me

Shawn:

I can see it in her.
She's so broken, but trying to fix up on things she left out of her life.

She's trying to be reckless and impress someone with the way she acts.
But I don't want her to be the way all the others are. I like her for who she is, not who she's trying to be.

She was never important to me, but as the months gratuitously passed and I was forced to work with her... she became important to me.

I just wish I knew what she's hiding, I want to know everything she has to tell about herself. But she keeps on locking it and herself up. I can't really say I'm different, for I do the same, but still.
Maybe I can make her open up if I do it towards her.

What do some always say? Never let fear stop you from doing something?
Well, sometimes fear drives a situation. That will be me, most of the time.

I walked outside to where she took off after I walked away from her when we danced. I looked around to see her familie figure sitting on the poolside bench. I let out a deep breath before walking up to her.
Seeing the half empty bottle of sider hanging between her fingers.

"Hey." I sat down next to her. "I'm really sorry." She mumbled, not making eye contact, as if she's ashamed. "It's okay Adri-" "Why did you do it though? Push me away? I thought that's what you want, that it's the reason why you're in this with me. I have this feeling that you'll only break me more, but yet, I don't want to let go of you because I feel there's more to you than simply you." I looked at her.

Her eyes were glossy red as she sniffed, a small and faint smile on her lips. "I pushed you away because I don't want you to be one of them. I don't want other to classify you under the group of girls that are only in this for one thing. You're more than that Adriana." Her eyes grew slightly bigger as she looked at me with disbelief.

"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for putting you in that position." She whispered, looking back to face the front of her before she downed the last bit of her drink.

"Hey slow down." I took the bottle from her hands. "You know what, I don't know why I care anymore." She stood up, "Do you have a cigarette?"

"What! Are you insane?" I stood up, looking at her. She's dead serious about this. "I'm not going to give you one." "Please Shawn just give me a fucking cigarette." "No! I won't let you ruin your life like that." "Then why do you do it?" I sighed, feeling the pack in my back pocket. "One." She asked again and walked closer to me.

She's a tease, the way she does things, but she doesn't even realize it. She pulled the pack out of my pocket, never letting her eyes leave mine.

"Do you have a light?" "Please don't do this." She let the cigarette hang from her lips. She started searching my pockets till she found the lighter.
She brought it up to the cigarette, struggling to get it to light.

"Please Adriana. Don't do this to me." I whispered.

Her eyes traveled up from the light and looked me in the eyes. It was within that few seconds that she realized what I said. It'll hurt me to see her do this because I know that's my influence.

"This is why I told you to stay away from me. Because I'm only bad for you." "You have no idea, no idea! Shawn, ever since I met you books opened that was meant to be closed. I talked about things I never talked about, ever, and there's still so much to say.

Thinking deeply about it, I shared that shit with you! You, out of all people!" That kind of hurt, but I understand it. "So listen to me when I tell you this...." she stepped closer to me, taking the cigarette from her lips and pressing it between mine.

"If you leave me now, I'll be a mess. More than I am now. You'll create a raging fire that can't be burned out, till it's suffocated." She light the cigarette. "You're killing me, like this, is killing you. Slowly, but surely." She walked off after slipping the lighter back in to my pocket.

She strikes me.
She make sme think things through and she gives signs to me in the form of her poetic riddles.

She kills me.

How can I leave when she owns me?