Changing | SM

Part 29: lost

Shawn:

"That's right. Pay up boy, I told you he wouldn't let me down." Cody threw his arm around my shoulders, shaking me with pride as he smiled over to me.

I broke her, even more than she was.
I saw the disappointment in Brian's eyes as he handed his dollar bills over to Cody.
He won the bet. The bet that was Adriana.

I gained nothing out of this... but instead lost even more. "Me and the boys are going to the bridge. See you there." He patted my back before walking out, leaving me alone in the presence of my friend.
The true friend I never fail to disappoint.
But he always seems to be by my side.

"You know I expected more from you. I thought that by now you would've let go of the past and move the fuck on!" He started yelling. "Everywhere you go, all you do is break and take parts of people. Not that it'll make you feel any beter about yourself or the situation you're in."
He broke me down.
Peice by piece.

"I expected better things and throughout it all I was there. I was there with every step you took making sure to pick you back up where you fell down, clean up where you left a mess. Even though you started ditching me at school you knew that I'll always be there. You abused the privilege of me being your friend." He spat.

"Yes Brian! I get it! I fucked up. I'm fucked up. But it's all because of Rac-" "Stop balming every single mistake in your life on Rachel! Yes, what she did screwed you up but that's years ago!" I just shook my head, walking out on him and finding my way to the bridge.

It's near the train station, and I can't stop thinking about Adriana. The thoughts and brokenness I left her with. I hate myself for doing what I do.
I live a life, playing the role of two people.
Yet I can't choose which one I'd rather be.

I kept on staring at the graffiti wall, seeing colour splashes and complications of words and feelings. To some, it'll seem like a disaster, but to me, it was my life.
It portrays the things going on in my head. It's all too crazy, just like the wall.
The hard sound of the train passing by made me look over my shoulder.

Within that moment I saw her, walking up the steps to the top of the station.

She was slouched, reaching the top and throwing her bag down with force before sitting on the edge. It broke me to see her that way. "I'm going back." I stood up, leaving them on the bridge but taking the backroad to get to the steps where I can find Adriana.
The sound of her crying and sniffing filled my ears as I reached the top few steps.

I let out a shaky breath before walking up to her and sitting down. My feet also dangling off the side as the bottle of beer stood between my legs.
It was a silent moment.
Deep silence.

"There was this man that always rode the train." She broke the silence. "I don't know where he went every day but he was always wearing this grey tuxedo with a red tie. A black case on his side and his hair was always neatly combed." I don't know where she's going with this, but all I can do is listen.
"I wondered if he went to work and came back late every night. But to what is he going back home? Does he have a home? I look at him and I feel confused with myself, that, I have so many things to be greatful for but yet, when life took one thing from me it tore everything apart." I kept my eyes locked on her.

What was taken from her that made her this broken?

"What did you lose?" Her eyes shot over to me, red as the tears pooled up and she took a picture, the same one she almost lost, out of her pocket.
Handing it over to me I took a close look. I still don't understand, I still don't know.

"Your so called friend over there..." she pointed down to Cody. "One day, if you're brave enough, ask him what he did." That's all she said before standing up and leaving.
What? Now it makes sense why she has a grudge against the guy, but still, what did he do?
The way she said it made me too afraid to ask. What if it's bad?
By the sight of it, it is.

"Wait! Adriana." She turned to look at me. "This is taking all the courage within me, but, will I see you tonight at the party?" "Cody's?" I nodded. She was hesitant to answer, like she already said yes to someone else.
But a dark sight over dwelled her eyes and it made me afraid of what I'm doing to her.

"Sure. Why not. See you then." She climbed down the steps and took off. I'm changing her when I actually just want to know her. But I think it's because she's unfolding and telling someone, even though she doesn't trust me, she's telling all the secrets, feelings and thoughts that she's building up.
A true mystery.

I saw how I changed her.
From the day I walked in to her independent life in comparison with how she looks, acts and reacts now... you'll say they're two completely different people.

The phases they go through as soon as I walk in. Adriana just skipped straight from phase one to five.
Broken and no repair.

Dying the slow death of living for a second.