Changing | SM

Part 66: killing me as you leave

Adriana:

I should've known this was all too good to be true. I should've never trust the broken one, even though the broken one trusted me. Another broken soul.

He promised me that he'll never hurt me, that he'll never leave me. But it was all a lie. And worse of all is that it doesn't seem like him, it doesn't seem real.
I knew he was capable of doing something like this, but I thought he changed... Maybe that's what he did in the past, but why now?

He even said it himself.
He loves me, so why all of this?
Did he truly feel guilt?
What if he wanted to tell me and he really does love me? It's just all too much now. Why did this all happen?

There are so many questions that needs answers, but I just don't want to hear them right now.

I jogged all the way back to my dad's house, tears pouring out of my eyes and my heart sinking and disappearing with every passing second.
I got to the house and just ran up to my room, falling down on my bed and screaming as I cried.

It pains me so much that I lost him.
I know it was all so quickly, but he really felt like the one. He means more than just someone.

"Adriana. What's wrong?" He looked at me with big eyes, "Oh honey." My dad pulled me in to a tight hug as I sobbed out in his chest. "I told you that this is what I was afraid of. You getting another broken heart." I pulled away, wiping my cheeks clean and trying to act brave in my broken state.
I looked at him with no emotion, showing absolutely no feelings.

"But it's just a heart Dad. A organ meant to be broken, and to me it's permanent damage, never to be fixed." I'm surprised that my heart actually hurts.
It was never fully put back together after I lost Mason, but the few pieces dangling on my heartstrings... I'm surprised they still have feelings.
Shawn got most of me back together, he also owns the bigger part of me, but now it's just all ripped apart again.
"I just need to be alone now." I cried, kissing his cheek before he left the room.

I'm drained right now, I'm crying but there's no more tears. I just lied down on my bed, staring at the picture of him next to my bed.
"Why?" I whispered, clapping it down to not see his face anymore and I rolled over, falling asleep.
Dreaming about him, with my broken heart.

-

I heard rumbling from downstairs, crying and comforting.
Then... the footsteps.
The all so familiar walking pattern making its way to my room.
I heard my door slowly opening and the sound of his sniffing filled my ears.

"Adriana?" He whispered, but I stayed still.
Not moving. Not saying a word.
"I'm so sorry. I wish you can just give me a moment to explain." He crouched down in front of me, I could feel the light fading away as his shadow falls apon me.
"Baby, I know you're awake." His hand made its way to my cheek and I felt his thumb caressing my skin.

It feels so right, but I now doubt everything behind us. That's the thing about love, just when you think you're in control, it pulls you in and then it lets you go.
And you don't always get it back.
So how am I going to live without him? How will I live like that?

I slowly opened my eyes, only to have them meet with his. Tears immediately pooled up in my eyes again. "Shawn you need to leave. Seeing you now is just defeating and I-I can't look at you as I lose you."
"Who says you're losing me? If you can just let me explain then it'll all ma-"
"I don't want to hear it! At least not now. Okay, just please. Please please please just go." He ran his hands through his hair as he stepped back again, standing up and looking at me as I sat up on my bed.

"I love you Adriana. Never doubt that and don't you ever forget that. I should've told you, but I didn't knew how." Just like that, he disappeared again.

Have you ever wondered what hurts more? Saying something and wishing you didn't or not saying nothing and wishing you did.
Right about now I'm wishing I never loved him or fallen for him, but I was not in control of that.
My heart was to vulnerable and it fell in love again. Playing a game with my mind to make me think that I truly am in love.

But, I am.
I truly loved him and I still do.
Nothing will change how I feel about him and in my heart he'll always be mine.

But why, after all this time I had to find it out. I'd rather have him told me, even though it would've ended up in the same place we are bow.

"Shawn!" I yelled as I opened my window, seeing him walking down the driveway to his car. He turned, looking up at me.
Bloodshot red eyes shining in the light of the porch.
"I accept your apology. But I think it's better if we end what never truly was there. I don't want my heart to be broken any longer even though watching you leave is killing me."
"I promised you I won't leave you Adriana, and that's not what I'm doing! This is not the end, don't say that!" He keeps on fighting.
"But I want you to leave, even if I made you promise. If you stay, it'll only create a bigger mess." I closed the window and fell down on my bed again.

Sleep.
It's all I can think about.

The drug that even the most sensible teenager can get addicted to. The moment I close my eyes, the living nightmares, the anxiety, problems and stress are all gone.
Feelings I so hopefully didn't want, I now no longer have to feel.
But I abuse the ability to sleep so much, I use it as an escape to not live reality.
I become tired all the time, and not because of the lack of sleep, but because I get use to the feeling of being blank and numb.

These goodbyes hurt when the story isn't done yet and the book is being closed. But I think it hurts because it mattered.
And it still does, he means so much to me. How can I just let him go if I strongly believe he was the given one.
The one.
The only one.

But it's my heart pushing the pain away, pushing the person away that's causing this disruption within me.