Changing | SM

Part 104: talk about it

Adriana:

I'm not mad at Shawn for reacting the way he did. I'm scared too, but I'm not doing this on my own.
He has a big part in this as well.

I went to bed even though there are still a lot of people here. There are just too much emotions within me to even try and keep my composure to keep it all together and not burst in to tears. As I lied in bed, I just kept on softly caressing my tummy with my hand, deep in thought of what will happen.

Will Shawn actually leave me?
Is he really not ready for this? I'm not either. But I don't want anyone other than him by my side when having to face the time of pregnancy, a child and even marriage.

He's the only one.
And if only he knew how an amazing dad he'll be, but he keeps on doubting himself beca of his past.

We talked about it once, being parents, and he said he's afraid that he won't have a good bond wit them, that he won't be the amazing father they want him to be. But his kids will learn to know the real him, and still get to love the old him.
It's part of who he is, nothing will change that, but I bet when the day comes, when this baby is delivered and he sees him or her for the first time... he'll fall in love.

He'd do anything in his might to protect them. Just like he does for me.

"Okay, bye guys. Thanks again for the visit." "Send love to Adriana!"
"I will." I heard Shawn greeting all the guests and his family. Seeing the lights getting turned off from the front door to the hall and his footsteps came even closer to our room.

He only glanced at me as he walked in to the bathroom. His eye meeting mine only for that split second. I saw him standing over the sink, just looking down and tapping his finger on the side.
He's contemplating.
Deeply contemplating.

After that he closed the door, took a shower and got dressed. Still not saying a word or making a sound. The silence from his aide is actually killing me, but maybe it means he's thinking.
But that just kills me more.
To not know what he's thinking or planning to do about me, us, this situation.

After about a good half and hour, the bathroom door opened again and he came walking out. He still blows my breath away whenever I see him. He might not see it as luck that I have him in my life, but I sure see it as a blessing.

He turned the lights out and got in bed behind me. His bedside lamp still on.
I felt his warmth already radiating on to me as he scooted even closer, wrapping his arm around me. "Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered, leaving a small peck behhind my ear.
I turned around to face him, seeing his leaning on his elbow to look down at me. "I'm sorry about how I reacted, it was just a big shock because neither one of us was expecting thia to happen and I don't know if I'm ready or really cut out to be a dad."
"You are Shawn. And it's okay, I'm not mad about how you reacted, I just want to know that I'm not in this alone." I cupped his cheek, playing with the stands of hair at the nape of his neck.

"You're never alone in anything baby. I'll always be there." He kissed my forehead, turning the light out and lied down next to me. I was still laying down on my back, looking up at the black ceiling, still in thought.

"Shawn."
"Hmmm."
"I'm scared." I whispered, almost feeling the tears stinging in the back of my eyes. But I immediately smiled and clamed a bit down when I felt him placing his hand down on my stomach.

"Don't be. I'm rigth here." He scooted closer, giving me a kiss  and cuddled up to me. He fell asleep, but never did he remove his hand from my stomach.
It gave me the reassurance that he'll be here to support me, and he'll be here for our baby.

He's going to be an amazing father.

I know it already.