Changing | SM

Part 63: nerves

Shawn:

I gave her one more kiss before the both of us went to get ready for the party.
I'm afraid of what will happen when Cody will, eventually, see the two of us together, but the only thing that bothers me is that he'll tell her about the bet.

I don't want her to know that way, but I also don't know how to tell her in a way to still not lose her.
Either way she'll be mad and sad, I don't think there is any possibility that this will go down in a good way. That things will be okay in the end.

But I fear her finding out before I can tell her.
But fuck, I don't know when to tell her or how.

"Wow, you look beautiful." I said as I walked in the bathroom to see her ending off her look with earrings and a bit of mascara. "You know you don't need makeup."
"Yeah, but I want my eyes to look open so that I at least look awake." She laughed, pecking my cheek before we walked out to go get Brian.

The ride to his house was silent, but comfortable... for her.
The nerves were eating me away from the inside out and I felt uncomfortable with the situation, I felt uncomfortable with myself.

"Hey, why are you looking so tense?" The feeling of her hand being placed down on mine made me feel at ease for a moment, but I know nothing will satisfy me over the fact that I might lose her. "Nothing, I'm okay." I kissed the top of her hand as I intertwined our fingers.

I don't want to let go.

We pulled up in the driveway of Brian's house and waited for him to come out.
I was rubbing my hands against my thighs, and she noticed it, but didn't ask anything. Probably knowing I will only say that I'm okay. But she kept on looking at me with her eyebrows furrowed together.

"Hey dudes. Ready to get our party on!" Brian jumped in the car with a big smile, and as they laughed, I just drove off. I'm really stressed, not knowing what to expect... but everything always goes wrong at parties.
And tonight, I hope they won't.
God, I wish they don't.

Love can't exist without fear, because if losing someone doesn't fear the shit out of you then it isn't love. That's how I know this is real, because of the way I feel.
Because I'm fucking terrified.

"Shawn. Hey, earth to Shawn." I snapped out of my thoughts as I saw Adriana standing in front of me.
I'm still in the car, and I didn't even know that hhey all got out already.
"Sorry." I wanted to get out but she closed the door again, keeping me  locked inside. I looked over to her with my eyebrows furrowed together.
What is she up to?

"We're not leaving here, and I'm not letting you out of he car till you tell me what's going on." I leaned out the window, cupping her cheeks as I saw the sadness in her eyes.
She's sad about me not being happy, very on edge and just in general not present in the moment with her.

"I love you."
"Shawn please... just tell me." She whispered, making me sigh.
"I'm just afraid of what will happen. Cody already got a piece of you and I'm just scary he'll try and take more of you. That he'll take you from me." She stepped closer to the car, leaning inside through the window to me as I plonked back down in my seat behind the wheel.

"Look at me." She took my chin in her hands. I locked my eyes on hers.
"I'm all yours. Even if we break apart, which I hope doesn't happen, I'll still come running back to you. Nobody and nothing in this world will ever make me as happy as you make me. And you need to know that no matter what, even if life pulls us apart, I'll always try to find the path to run back to you."

It gave me a settling feeling in my heart with the knowledge that she's mine, and no matter what we'll get back to each other. But that still means that we can lose each other.
I eventually got out of the car and grasped her in my arms.
I heard her sighing as well as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Falling in love is easy Shawn, but saying in love is hard and a bit more challenging. I promise you we'll be okay. Ups and downs are a regular thing, but we just need to learn to handle it." I crashed my lips to hers.

"Oh common love birds, we're missing the party in there." Brian yelled, pulling the two of us apart.
She took my hand in hers, intertwining our fingers before we walked inside. I let out a deep breath as I saw everyone dancing around, already stumbling over their own two feet, spilling drinks and chain smoking.

I only held on to her hand even tighter, but Brian was already out of his natural habitat. Running to get a drink and trying to find a lady to hook up with.
My boy.