Changing | SM

Part 42: hard to love

Adriana:

💞next day💞

I woke up alone, Shawn wasn't by my side and I was sleeping on the mattress... alone.

"Shawn?" I called out his name, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders and I walked through the old cabin in search for him. I opened the door to find him parking up in front of the house, getting out with a paper bag and two take away coffees. "I promise you I didn't steal them. Just to clarify I don't have a criminal record." He laughed, walking up the steps to me. "I got us some breakfast."
"Thank you." I pecked his cheek, taking the coffee from his hands and we walked to the back door, out, and sat down outside by the small lake.

There's a silence between us, kind of awkward. "Soo..." he trailed off. "What happens now?" I shrugged my shoulders. I don't know. "Depends on what this is." I pointed my finger between the two of us.
He nodded slowly, taking a bit of his sandwich before just looking out over the view.

"Shawn, am I hard to love?" He looked over to me, but I broke the eye contact by just looking down at my hands.
"You're not hard to love Adriana, you're just expecting love from someone who is incapable of loving."
"Why do you keep saying that?" I sighed. "Because it's true. I forgot how to love and you know that. But I don't want to hurt you so rather say it than keep it quiet." I don't know where we stand but I know we don't love each other.
Or well, I love him.

He's just not on the same rowing boat as me and our rivers flow in different directions.

"I better go." I stood up. "Don't just leave." He begged, grabbing ahold of my hand. "I have to. My mum is probably freaking out by now." He let go of my hand. "See you at school?" I questioned, knowing he'll probably not be there.
And so it was, his hesitation to answer gave me my answer. "See you around." I walked back, throwing the blanket in his mattress and walking out to my bike.

He stood by the door and as I wanted to walk past him he grabbed my waist, pulling me to him. "Please don't make it hard for me when it's easy for you." I whispered.
"All I want is someone who will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me."
"I'm that person. But I don't want to stay if I'm only falling deeper and you're staying at the top."
"Pull me with you." He cupped my cheek, but I shook my head.

"It has to be your own choice. I don't want to be held charged for your life in drowning love." I walked off, obviously glancing back at him before getting on my bike and driving back home.

I don't need magic in my life, I need his arms around me at 3:25 am in the morning, when the darkness gets too much. I need him to be real when nothing else is.
I think back to the first day we met, and with that, the both of us changed.

Life isn't a game anymore and my smile isn't as consistent. But the way we changed made me feel other things I never felt before. Maybe it was a good thing.
But only time will tell that to me. 

I got home, and like I thought, my mum went crazy. "Where the hell were you! I've been worried sick. Your dad and Keegan went out to search-" wait what.
Keegan actually went out to look for me?

Guess the speech that Shawn gave him actually sunken in to his mind. I'm impressed, but he still hasn't apologized and nothing he does or says can actually give me a year back where he was rude to me.
I just stood there by the door, hearing her speech mumbling through my ears as I thought about Shawn.

What can I do to keep him, but not make him feel pressured to stay if he doesn't want to. Even though he promised.