Changing | SM

Part 14: live

Shawn:

After school, I drove around the block to see everyone walking out.
I actually needed to find Brian, to tell him that I'll be going home today. I overheard him talking to Ian during lunch saying that I'm starting to get near the point of overstaying my welcome.
So I'd rather leave than get near the point.

I appreciate him for letting me stay, so it's okay to hear that when I too started thinking that I'm overstaying.
But instead of finding him, I found Adriana.
I want to show her my life, if she lets me in.

"Hey Ariana!" I yelled as I rolled my window down. "Oh for gods sake Mendes!" She laughed, sighing hard as she continued walking on. "If you're constantly going to say my name wrong I promise you I'll give you extra hard work to solve for tomorrow." She threatened me.
"Get in." I called her over, only then she stopped in her tracks. "So you can drive me over to your shack in the woods. Kill me. Run away to the next city and then they'll only find my body after what... four months? Nah, I'm good." I rolled my eyes.

The scenarios this girl makes up in her head...

"You still don't trust me?" I put my sunglasses on, reaching for my box of cigarettes in the cup holder. "It's not that I don't trust you fully. It's just I don't know you." I raised my hand, holding it out to her. "Then let me show you." I hanged the cigarette loosely from my lips.
Her eyes watching me like a hawk, but never making a move to say no.
"Silence means yes. Get in." I command, seeing her rolling her eyes but yet walking around and getting in the car.
"Just know that I've watched a lot of Bruce Lee movies and I'll chop you right in the neck if you try anything weird with me. Got it?" She warned me, making me smile as I know she's still protective over keeping her distance from me.

I hate it though.
But at the same time, it's what I want.
If I can get her in, capture her in my trap of love and lies... she'll have it hard to get out again. "Whatever you say." I light the cigarette as I pulled away. "Don't do that." She said, pulling the cigarette from my lips and throwing it out of the window.

"Hey! You can no do that!" I raised my voice. I sensed the fear in the way she scooted away from me, but she never closes her mouth. She never shuts up.
It's a thing I hate about her, but yet love as well.
"If you continue to destroy yourself in a way you can't repair, you'll never get to the top of what's holding you down." I looked over at her. "It's an escape Kendrick. Don't you have them too?" Her face drops as she looked down at her hands. "Where are we going Mendes?" She asked impatiently.

I touched a subject I didn't knew existed. She has a sore spot.
A weakness.

"You'll see." She rested her chin in the palm of her hand as she looked out of the window. She knows things, similar to me. I just want to know what they are, even if that means I need to let her in so deeply, just to throw her out again.
Nobody is permanent.
And that's the mistake we all make.

We believe someone will be with us forever, and then we're broken-hearted when that person leaves you. Alone. That's why I have my 'friends', and then close friends that I keep separately from the rest of the world. If I lose them... I'm more alone than I am now.

And now, I'm lonely.
I trust that this will turn out badly. But also, in a way, I need her. For some reason I feel like she's 'the chosen one' to help me get on track. But if I fee that way, then why the hell will I still be in this to break her?
I don't understand myself and some days, I hate myself.
Oh, who am I kidding... All I do is disappoint so at the end of the days all I do it exist.

I just need someone to help me live.