Changing | SM

Part 33: telling her

Shawn:

I don't want to change or be someone else, someone I'm not, but I have a hidded desire to be that as well.
To be so lost in the world of wonder and joy to even think about what I want to do, who I am or the sadness that once overcame me.

"Her name was Rachel." I sighed, closing my eyes.
I felt her lifting up her head from my shoulder before she looked at me. A puzzled expression on her face.
I want to open up to her, I want to tell her.

"Can I tell you this?" "Please do." I sat up, still not letting go of her hand though.

"I loved her, even though that might sound really crazy coming from someone like me. But I did. She was it all for me, she was the only one I ever had eyes for. But clearly she was in something for all the wrong reasons. Throughout our entire relationship, all she did was argue with me. She hurt me a lot Adriana. And she's the reason I don't love anymore, the reason I don't really trust people. She made me this way by breaking every last bit of me. She made me do things I didn't want to do, but in order to keep her because I loved her so much, I-I had to." I sighed, feeling my heart aching again as memories came back to me.

"What did you do Shawn?" Adriana asked, and I looked up at her.

She's afraid.

I hate it when I see her this way.

"She made me sleep with her. When I wasn't ready. She used me to get the pleasure she wanted and threatened to put the 'relationship' on the line when I don't do something for her. One time my dad had to bail me out because I had to stole a bracelet for her from the jewelry shop in the mall. She's the cause of so many disruptions in my life. My family, sister, friends, even me." She wrapped her hand around my bicep, resting her chin on my shoulder again.

"I'm sorry that had to happen to you. You don't deserve that." "How can you say that?" She looked at me again with her eyebrows furrowed together.
"What do you mean?" "How can you say that I don't deserve it when you didn't even know how or who I was before knowing the me I am now?" She smiled, feeling satisfied that I asked the question.

"Because you're showing me who you are." I couldn't help but smile, but the story isn't done yet. "How long did it last?" I sighed, looking down at her hand that was still in mine. I wasn't satisfied with its position so I intertwined her fingers with mine, feeling much more safe, secure and happy.

"We dated for over a year, but then at this one party... she-she made me drunk on purpose before pushing me on to another girl. She made me actually sleep with her under command, but I didn't want to do it. Even through my drunken state I declined, not wanting to go through with her plans. She told me I'm a coward, a fake. Just because I had enough of her pushing me around. It's actually sad that I had to be drunk to realize what she actually did to me and the pleasure she found in the ways she hurt me. That next day when I went to school I was sure that we were over, and it didn't bother me that much, but then, she came to me and acted like nothing happened. It got to the point where I yelled at her to leave and she saw that as the biggest opportunity to ruin every last bit of me." I stood up, standing in front of her as I played with the ring around my finger.

"She started making up stories about me, telling people things that aren't true. She told them how I slept with another girl whilst still being with her, but that wasn't the case. But it's all like a fart against thunder, nothing I did could help stop it or show people differently. So I took it." "What do you mean, you took it?"

I crouched down in front of her, locking my eyes on hers. "I took what they said, and even though it's not true, I turned into the person they thought I was. And now, I am." Her eyes turned sad but I smiled at her.

"Don't look like that."
She smiled faintly.

"To be honest, ever since I met you Adriana I don't think I've ever felt a glimpse of normality the way I feel it when I'm with you. It scares me, what you do to me and how you make me open up to you, but you, in a way, make me happy. Will you do the same?" I asked hesitantly.
"Everything has its time and place."

That's all she said, it gave me a answer though, that in the far future or near future, she'll tell me the story behind her broken heart.
I can see it fitting together now, every day, a piece gets reattached.
And I don't know by who or why.

When I think about it, if I'm the reason, I feel good, I feel happy, I feel loved.
Even if I'm only making assumptions up in my head.