Changing | SM

Part 17: the test

Adriana:

The way Shawn left was very obscure.
He just said that I always tell him to go, but the time I did tell him to stay, even though it wasn't in direct words, he just... left.

I'm really glad that he told me a part of him, but there's still a lot more to discover about him.
He's a mystery, a poem... not everyone understands him. But I can analyze him.
I can see through the front he puts up, I can see that he's hiding something. But what?

I never felt this way before over anyone, not love, but insecure and unsure. I don't think I could see anyone the way I see him.
See him for who he is underneath it all. I hated this guy, but I guess I judged the book by its cover. Because he's not entirely who I thought he was. The sadness that lives within his soul intrigues me to dig a little deeper.

Why do I feel a connection with his broken side, when all I want to do is stay away. I know it's good of me to help him out, but I never signed up to be give moral support to another or be a therapist whenever he feels like opening up.
It scares me that I can't or, don't want to, get rid of him.

What is he changes me the way he changes everyone else.
He's known for breaking down and taking parts in unnecessary events, such as making people doubt who they really are.

I was always unsure of who I am after I lost what I worked for, but that faded away in time and I grew stronger.
Now... with Shawn in my midlife, I feel unsure again.
I hate it.

💞next day💞

Today we have a test and hopefully with the help I have given Shawn, he'll remember it all and do great. "Aria-Adriana!" I heard a call just as I was about to walk in class. "You said it right." I laughed, seeing Shawn walking up to me.
"Yeah, I quickly need your help. The test is now and I'm freaking out." I told him to just calm down and think straight.
He'll remember everything we did and he'll know how to to solve the equations.

He thanked me, being all nice and caring towards my help I give, but as soon as his friends arrived for class, he changed back to the guy I knew.
The one I hated.

"Shawn? Dude? Why are you communicating with a low standard?" They laughed and I looked over to Shawn, begging him with my eyes to just stay the same.
"Don't look at me like that." He whispered before walking off.
"Nah dude, she's a nobody. Just another broken heart." He laughed, giving them all a fist bump as they patted his back.

They're proud of the mistake they created. He turned around again, looking at me.
His smile faded. My eyes dwelled with disappointment as I looked at him. What tears me is that he said I shouldn't look at him in that way, in a disappointing way.
He can't take it, he can't bare it.
If he can't, then why does he do it?

I walked in class, taking my seat but not once making eye contact with him again. I could feel his gaze and stare on me the entire time, but never did I let it get to me.
He can't keep going around, playing with feeings and people as if they're not worth shit.

The tests were handed out and only then I looked over to him, seeing the panic on his face. He looked at me. His eyes big and fear was written all over.
"Calm down. Breath." I mouthed to him, and he nodded.

Just because some people are rude to you, does not mean you should return it.
Maybe a kind smile and helping hand is just what they need to get out of where they are.