Changing | SM

Part 69: bailing

Adriana:

I'm scared about going back to Shawn's.
Not that I don't want to, I'm just afraid things will be awkward between us. But maybe it won't.
I know things won't be the same.

If we can talk it out or just pretend that nothing happened, then I can move on. Move on sounds good right now, but I'm not moving forward without him.
Not a chance.

Life in the future without him is no longer in the picture. I need him with me, no matter if we fight and make up ever single day.
I can get to cope with that, but trying to cope without him will be impossible.

"I'm going out tonight. I was invited over to a house so don't wait up." I mumbled to my dad as I walked in to the house. "Who is it?" I looked at him, standing on the stairs as I started scratching the nail polish off my fingers.

"Shawn." I mumbled again as I looked down at my hands. "Well that's great. I'm happy you guys are talking again."
"Yeah." I sighed, leaving the conversation and walking upstairs to my room.

My dad never liked him, but then they grew on each other. He treated Shawn more like a son than he did with Mason or even Keegan.
My dad tried for months to get me to just see him again, or simply just talk about it. But I never did.
Till today.

I don't know what he's planning on showing me, but if we talk this all out, if we get through what we're in, together... I won't hesitate to ask him if we can run off.
That was the plan all along. And I think it'll always be a plan for when things get too much to handle. When we're far away from everyone, then nobody can bother us.
Nobody can interfere in what we have or make a mess about what we do.

I want to be with him, but society and other people just simply don't approve. I'm glad my dad is on my side, and also on his.
He's on our side.

My mum and Keegan have never been more distant from me, but I don't mind though. I'd rather have them far away from me than constantly listening to how bad Shawn is for me, what a influence he has on me.
But if they only knew.

He changed, he changed me, the influence he has on me is everything but bad and he made me alive again... in a way.

This is all too confusing for me. At the same time I want to be with him, but also move on. I feel we're just not going to have what we had, even though I still love him with all my heart.
I was home now, sat down on my bed and flipping through some old magazines.

"Knock knock."
"And only one stupid stud will still say knock knock whilst knocking on the door. You moron." I laughed as I looked up, seeing Liam walking in to my room.
He sat down at the edge of my bed.

"I miss you Adriana. Ever since you and Shawn we haven't hung out much. We haven't talked much."
It's true.
Ever since Shawn and I got deeply together I've been shutting some people out, not on purpose though.

Just instinct.

"I know, I'm sorry about that. But don't worry, I'm all yours now because there's no more me and Shawn." I sighed. "What?" He jumped up from the bed. "Don't act like you don't know Liam. It's been honking around the school halls  for the past few months." He smiled faintly before holding out his hand to me.
"Common. We need to talk." I looked up at him, my eyebrows furrowed together. "Where are we going?" I slipped my hand in to his and we walked downstairs.

"The station... of course." He smiled back at me, making me smile as my cheeks burned.
He still knows it all, he's still my best friend. Through everything that's happening... I don't want to lose him too.
We got in his car and drove off to the bridge. Not going to the secret shack, but rather just sitting on the bridge, looking out over the view.

"Thank you for never leaving me Liam." He looked over to me. "Hey, losing Mason took a toll on the both of us. If we lost each other in that time as well I don't think either one of us would be here."
"You're right. We kept each other going." He pecked my cheek.

"You're a strong person Adriana. Don't give in and lose hope, there's so much more to be thankful for." He's making me think.

And I don't want to rush.
If Shawn and I truly are meant to be then things will work themselves out in time. "I can't do this." I pulled out my phone and called him.

"Adriana?"
"Yeah. Hey." I whispered.

"I'm sorry it's just weird to get a call from you again after so many months."
"Yeah Shawn. I can't come tonight. I'm sorry, I jus- I think we should just give it a bit more time because I'm not really ready to enter that environment again."

He went silent for a while and I knew I made him sad by saying these words. "It's okay bab-Adriana. I get it."
"Thanks." Just as I wanted to hung up I heard him calling an 'I love you' through the phone. I lifted it back up to my ear. "No matter what, I'll always be here, and I'll always love you." I sighed, closing my eyes.
"Bye." I hung up.

"Why didn't you say it back? The 'i love you'?" I looked over to Liam, bumping his side with a faint smile. "Why are you so curious?"
"Just want to know." He smiled down at his hands. Shawn was on my mind the entire time that we sat on the bridge.

I'm doing the right thing... right?

I'm not ready yet, maybe just some more days or weeks.

Ugh.

I'm so confused and it's killing me.