Changing | SM

Part 37: fitting the pieces

Shawn:

I've got a thing for the type of people who are undeniably themselves.
The ones with messy hair, and even messier souls.
The kinds of people who wear their heart on their chest, and have passion in their tears.

I've got a thing for those people who laugh at their own jokes, and rejoice in their own success.
It's the people who fight for what they believe in and never let their spirits settle.
Those are the ones for me.

I'm obsessed with the people who have the strength to remain soft, and let their fire burn hard. Even through the darkest times.

These are the type of people I'm in love with. Theses are the type of people I want in my life because they inspire me to try and do the same.

That's Adriana.

She shows me that life is worth living for, no matter how shit it might actually be. She showed me that you don't have to search for he light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be the light.
But she sure was mine, she helped me shine on my own.

Even though my light might still be very dimmed, with her by my side we shine brighter that the sun.

After she told me her story I felt the success in my heart that I succeeded to break down her walls.
She opened up to me, and to be honest, I was disturbed by the story she told me.
I thought that her, being a girl, it would just be over some pity of a broken heart from a boy leaving her.

I never thought it'll take the wild twist of both Cody actually committing murder, she losing the love of her life through death, losing herself and watching the process as it happens.
She told me that some days she feels like she's watching her own life go by from he point of view of a third person.

I'm quite surprised how she handled it all and how she grew stronger in the months passing after her boyfriend actually... died... it all makes sense now.

'Don't die on me Shawn.'
'Don't leave me Shawn.'
'Don't do the things that will kill you Shawn.'

She's protecting me, trying to keep me. She's afraid that I might leave her just like he did.
That's my fear too.

I don't know how she will change me for the better but once you have the front of not giving a shit, it's hard to see yourself as valuable again.

Have you ever met a person who at first glance you weren't attracted to, but then they talk, and with every word, every smile, every laugh, they become more beautiful until you can't believe there was a moment you thought they weren't?

Adriana was like that for me, but now I can't describe a beautiful person without exactly describing her.
Both heart, soul and look on the outside.

"Are you okay?" She smiled faintly over to me, "I am. But I know this will sound completely stupid, but I need something to get high on." She laughed. "Here." I handed her a broken-in-half cigarette.
I can see she never smoked before, but in this moment of pure desire I want her to, so she can feel that it's not for her.

"Oh, okay, thanks." She let it hang from her lips before I light it. She looked perfect though. The advanced look between good and bad. And I never saw it looking this hot.
She inhaled and puffed it out, keeping her cool for a few seconds before coughing extremely much.

"Told you. It's not for you." "I don't know how you do it." I took the cigarette from her fingertips and flicked it away. She looked at me with her eyes big in surprise as a small smile played on her lips.

"What?" I chuckled, "You didn't smoke it." She smiled, lightly bumping my side.
"I'm proud of you. Just know that."

Hearing those words means more than anyone can ever imagine. I don't hear them often because all I ever do is disappoint, but ever since I got Adriana pulled in to my life, things in general went beter than they usually did.

"I'm serious Shawn. When I first met you I thought you'll be this hard to handle dude, but in a way you changed. I can see you're happier now. And I'm so happy you smile more often."

"That's all thanks to you though. I never thought someone could ever effect my life in a positive way ever again. Especially a girl." She took my hand in hers, intertwining our fingers before resting her head on my shoulder.

"She was stupid to hurt you. You don't deserve that." "I'm happy I found you Adriana. Being with you makes me very happy." Her eyes locked on mine after she looked up at me.

Oh her eyes, the stories and secrets they keep. I want to unravel them all and see within her soul.
She is the other half of me.

It scares me how I see myself in her eyes, like I'm the only one she sees. Nobody ever looked at me the way she does, not even Rachel.
And she was the love of my life.

But if love can fade, so can pain... what if I love again?
Will I get hurt if I open up to it or should I just keep myself locked up for safety?

I let my eyes travel down to her lips and I saw her smiling as her cheeks turned an even deeper crimson red shade.

"How do I love?" I hesitated to ask, but the words just came out. "In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you." "But what if I want to love you?"

Her eyes grew big before the most surrealist smile appeared on her face.

"Well that's easy. Just love." I smiled, wrapping my arm around her shoulder as I pulled her in to my side.

I want to love.
But I want to love her.
I just don't know how... even if it sounds so simple.